Mom And Dad Are Worried Their 20-Year-Old Daughter Will Cut Them Off Because Of Their Reaction To Finding Out Her Boyfriend Is 44
“My husband would have to be held back if he ever saw that man again.”
BearFotos | Shutterstock Depending on your maturity level and what you’re looking for in a relationship, age-gap partnerships have the potential to be healthy, loving, and long-lasting. However, as much online discourse suggests, they can also be quite concerning.
Such was the case for a pair of parents who recently met their college-age daughter's much older boyfriend.
The parents found out that their 20-year-old daughter's boyfriend is actually 44.
“About 5 months or so ago, Ellie told us that she had a new boyfriend, who I'll call Tom," the mom explained in a Reddit post. "This came rather out of the blue, as Ellie hadn’t mentioned seeing anyone."
According to the mom, Ellie was "strangely secretive" about her new relationship, telling her parents "next to nothing" about Tom and refusing to show them any pictures.
That was until she asked to bring her new boyfriend home for a weekend visit.
As things were apparently “getting serious,” these parents willingly agreed to let him stay for the weekend but were completely shocked when they picked the couple up at the airport.
"We knew instantly that Tom was much older than Ellie, and he certainly wasn't a college student," the mom revealed.
After an uncomfortable ride home, Ellie's dad confronted her boyfriend about his age. "Tom said he was 44,” she wrote. “I was immediately disgusted. He’s only two years younger than my husband and old enough to be Ellie's father.”
The parents interrogated their daughter's much older boyfriend before kicking him out of their home.
Her father asked the hard-hitting questions, confused as to how his daughter began dating a 44-year-old man.
“Ellie explained that [they met] at a party, and Tom was there because he’s ‘well known around the town.’" Apparently, the couple "realized they had a lot in common" and "hit it off."
After hearing that, the parents demanded that their daughter’s “boyfriend” immediately leave their home. Of course, their 20-year-old daughter left with him, angry at her parents for not giving Tom a chance.
After they left, "I texted Ellie to tell her we'd love to see her and to come over to discuss the situation," the mom added. "She asked if Tom was welcome, and I said he wasn't."
Despite being labeled as “judgmental” and taking the brunt of name-calling from their child, this mom admitted she’s afraid of losing her daughter, who she’s always been close with.
In a series of follow-up posts, the mom admitted she's not willing to ‘lose her daughter' over her relationship and agreed to meet Tom again.
Although her husband refused to join, the mom ultimately met her daughter and Tom for brunch at a neutral location. "I thought this was the opportunity to find out more about him and his 'intentions' as it were," she explained in her post.
However, her conversations with Ellie's boyfriend did not make her feel any better about their relationship. When asked why he is "known around town," he explained that he went to the same college years ago and "decided to never leave" — an admittedly concerning thing for a mother to hear.
"Something felt off about him, but maybe I already had my preconceptions," she added.
When asked to elaborate on what the couple had in common, Ellie explained that they "love the same spots around town and campus," including the campus bars, and "she's never met someone so mature and understanding."
Dmytro Zinkevych | Shutterstock
The mom then invited the pair over for dinner, where they were joined by her husband and their oldest daughter, Holly. This meeting went as poorly as the first, if not more so.
Holly, their 23-year-old daughter, grilled Tom, questioning if he had a history with younger girls and why he hung around college parties at his age. While Ellie didn't appreciate her sister's obvious disdain, her questions were entirely understandable and came from a place of concern.
Tom and Ellie then announced that they would soon be moving in together, taking the situation from bad to worse. "At this point, my husband lost it and told Tom to get out of his house," the mom wrote. "Tom stood up and seemed affronted and Ellie started crying."
"I've reached out to Ellie since, but she hasn't responded. I don't want her to move in with Tom, and it seems he's trying to derail her whole life."
There's no right or wrong answer in this scenario.
Is Ellie doing anything wrong by dating Tom? No. Are her parents wrong in being concerned? No. And that's why this situation is so tricky.
According to data acquired over 70 years, the average age gap in romantic relationships in developed countries is between two and three years.
In a 2016 paper, researchers indicated that relationship satisfaction starts to decline if the relationship has an age gap of 10 or more years. Basically, things start off great but eventually the differences become glaring and problems will arise.
Could Ellie and Tom be the exception? Of course, but statistically speaking, this relationship will run its course as long as her parents don't force her to prove them wrong by taking a hard line.
Psychotherapist Rebecca Hendrix told Women's Health of young women who get involved with much older men, "The things that are very attractive or exciting to you right now are likely to be the same things that annoy or concern you later on."
Commenters urged the mother to support her daughter, not out of approval of their relationship but out of concern for her well-being.
Reddit users pointed out several red flags, from “fetishizing” her young age to socializing with communities much younger than him. Though obviously challenging to support, they highlighted the danger of alienating themselves from their daughter.
"I was your daughter once. Nearly [the] same age gap with the guy I was dating," one user candidly admitted. "The absolute best thing my parents did was keep the lines of communication open between us because the guy started to systematically cut me off from all the other people in my life."
"When I finally went to cut bait," she continued, "it was my parents who stepped out to catch me."
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.