Psychology Says Parents Who Raise Children Who Are Emotionally Stronger Than Other Kids Do These 6 Things
Stop focusing on false benchmarks, and hone in on more important qualities instead.
cottonbro studio | Pexels Like most parents, you probably dream of academic, financial, and emotional success for your children. You also want your kids to become noble, honorable citizens who make substantial contributions to the world. So, how do you know you're on the right path, guiding your children to success? Put another way — what is the best way to measure your success as a parent?
Here are six things parents do to raise emotionally strong children:
1. Encourage effort
An analysis from Harvard University supports how grades are a poor communicator of success that contribute to the loss of intrinsic motivation we're currently witnessing in our school systems. Success researcher Carol Dweck encourages parents to praise their children for effort rather than high grades.
When your child receives a grade that is lower than their expectation, explore their learning process. Ask questions about how they learned. Applaud their desire to keep trying.
Remember to keep your eyes on the aspects of our children’s success that cannot be quantified, such as work ethic, perseverance, creative vision, connection, and personal insight.
2. Replace grief with gratitude
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock
Rather than lamenting over your 75 percent student with an 1190 SAT score, focus on the unique qualities that make your child special. Is she a gifted artist? Does he have a knack for a particular sport? Is he a natural mediator? Does she impart wisdom to her peers?
Guide them to pursue goals that reflect their dreams and innate skills rather than their grades. Shifting your perspective toward gratitude helps you relate to them better, as psychologist Erica Wollerman suggested, "Practicing gratitude for our children and who they are actively each day can certainly help shift that attitude and somewhat negative dynamic. I encourage any parent who is feeling frustrated with their child or teen to consider trying this simple trick to change the narrative you are telling yourself about your child. Set aside 10 minutes a day to make a list of 10 different things about your child you are grateful for."
3. Remove limits on their love
I have several clients who boast of withholding affection from their children as a result of their low grades. This form of punishment simply does not provide children with the intrinsic motivation that they need to do their best.
"I only love you when you measure up" is a toxic message to send a child. While the rest of the world is caught up in the numbers game, you can change the rules by freely giving 100 percent of your love.
4. Forgive themselves
A study in the Psychosomatic Medicine Journal indicates a correlation between shame and immune functioning. Don’t make yourself sick over the fact that you did not give birth to the class valedictorian.
If you find that you cannot move past the sense of shame and guilt you feel over these success measures, then seek help. To your surprise, you'll discover the shame over your child’s "failure" is rooted in a deeper wound that you experienced long before you became a parent.
Family therapist Merle Yost explained how the family paradigm follows us. "The dance of intimacy we learn from our family, we take into the world and believe is just how the world works. It is how abuse is passed on from generation to generation. It takes commitment to change a family pattern. We download the family survival methods; from our perspective, it is just how the world is. The family paradigm is pervasive and insidious if a person is unaware of what is happening and how it impacts them."
5. Celebrate imperfections, including their own
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
One of the most challenging lessons I teach my clients is that imperfect parents are the reality (and so are imperfect kids). If you're like most parents, you probably use the same metric to measure your success (and your child's) as the rest of society, your child's grades!
The pressure on you to make sure your kids "measure up" is intense. Which, of course, results in you often placing a great deal of pressure on them. Report card time is fraught with tension, often ending in the usual "numbers fight," even when their grades are pretty good:
- "Oh no! Your GPA is down to 3.2! You're not applying yourself enough."
- "Wow, 3 As and 2 Bs. Great job. (pause) So ... how do we get those Bs up?"
- "You have so many Cs. You'll never get into a good college now!"
That pressure intensifies each time family, friends, co-workers, etc., ask you, "How’s the family? How are the kids doing in school?" Translation: "Do your kids measure up? How are you doing as a parent?"
Believe me, I understand how this feels. This subtle language of numbers and calculations to measure our children’s success hit me hard last spring as my oldest daughter wound down her junior year of high school. Suddenly, people from all walks of life felt compelled (and entitled) to casually ask my child, "So, what’s your GPA?" Or, "What were your SAT scores?"
I wondered what would happen if I’d turned to all of those well-meaning adults and responded, "Well, I’ll tell you her scores as soon as you tell me your salary. Oh, and how much you weigh. How much is in your 401K, and what about your FICO score?"
6. Never judge or compare kids based on false benchmarks
If it's rude to ask an adult about the metrics that allow us to judge them (salary, weight, age, credit score, etc.) why is it not rude to do the same to our children?
Questions about other people's salaries and evaluations are taboo enough in the adult world that asking can result in termination in the workplace. I think such questions about our kids' grades and test scores shouldn't be discussed at soccer games, music recitals, and Thanksgiving dinner as well.
As an integrative psychotherapist, each day, I witness the impact of people feeling they do not "measure up." I know how the underlying social messages of judgment, shame, and resentment directly contribute to anxiety, depression, and stress-related chronic illness in the individuals being assessed. People, including children, suffer a great deal from physical, emotional, and spiritual illness when others impose on them an external, arbitrary measure of their value.
External measures of value are disempowering, so parenting coach Mia Von Scha suggested. "We empower our children by letting them figure things out as they go. The parental home is the place where children can experiment, learn, and explore, trying out different emotions, behaviors, attitudes, and character traits in a safe and loving space. If they do not have this freedom, they will try these things out once they’ve left home and the safety net is no longer in place."
None of us were perfectly parented, and none of us are perfect parents. Yet, we can still find success in life when we release ourselves from the burden of measuring up to "numbers" and allow our children to "score" our attention and support.
Sabrina N'Diaye, PhD is the founder of the Heart Nest Wellness Center. For over 25 years, she has served as a guide for trauma survivors, couples, and women in recovery and healthcare professionals. She serves as a mentor for countless therapists and runs regular retreats for women healers.