Most Parents Give Kids Gifts On Their Sibling’s Birthday So They Don’t Feel Left Out, Survey Finds
At what point does inclusivity keep kids from learning about how to handle things like jealousy?
Pixel-Shot | Shutterstock If you've got any small kids in your life, or perhaps if you're a parent yourself, you may have noticed a new trend: When it comes to gifts, birthdays are often no longer just about the birthday boy or girl but about all the kids in the family.
A survey showed that this practice is growing rapidly. But is this inclusivity hindering kids from learning vital skills? Some experts say yes and are urging parents to change course.
A survey found that most parents are giving their kids gifts on their siblings' birthdays so they don't feel left out.
The survey, conducted by parenting website BabyCenter, found that 54% of parents have adopted this practice. My siblings do this with their kids, for example, and in our case, the way it works is that everyone brings one small gift for the other kids in the family so they have something to open too.
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It's a nice way to make the other kids feel included in the festivities, and in BabyCenter's survey, most parents who do it said the reason was to avoid disappointment or making their other kids feel left out. Some also said they give the birthday boy or girl one gift that is meant to be shared with their siblings, for the same reason.
Parents say giving siblings a gift helps minimize tantrums during the tumult of a birthday celebration.
Kids thrive on boundaries and routine, and there's nothing quite so disruptive as a big birthday celebration, even with all its fun twists and turns. And putting kids off their routine, of course, invites tantrums and meltdowns, of course.
On top of all that, the fact that a kid's brother or sister is getting treated with attention and exciting new toys and clothes and games, and it's the perfect storm for a kid to lose their mind. Research suggests that sibling jealousy starts as early as age 1, so the stage is set for tears and acting out.
So, having a little something for the other siblings can help contain this, and child psychologist Dr. Donna Housman told BabyCenter that it can even give the birthday kid a valuable opportunity to practice acts of kindness and inclusion toward their siblings.
She suggested, for example, the birthday kid giving their siblings something small like a treat bag, stickers, or a book to "help the [siblings] feel included, special, and acknowledged.
But experts also say this practice prevents kids from learning how to manage feelings like jealousy.
I'm not a parent, but I am an uncle, and I can't help but admit: This practice always makes me wonder how kids are going to learn how to manage the disappointment of not being the main character if even their siblings' birthdays are partly about them.
It turns out I'm not just an old crank. Many experts say this practice may put a band-aid on the problem of meltdowns but doesn't offer kids much in the way of long-term development, especially where issues like jealousy and sibling rivalry are concerned.
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"For a child, not being the center of attention can sometimes be difficult, but it is not unbearable," psychologist Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore told BabyCenter. And she says that practices like sibling birthday gifts can actually make the situation worse.
This is because it can promote "score-keeping" between siblings and set the expectation that any time one sibling gets something, the others will too, and if they don't, it can be perceived as a slight. Dr. Kennedy-Moore called this a "path to misery" for one simple reason: "Things are never going to be exactly equal, and that's okay."
Experts suggested 6 other ways of making the non-birthday sibling feel included instead:
So what should parents do instead of extra gifts? Drs. Housman and Kennedy-Moore said there are six key solutions.
1. Acknowledge the non-birthday kids' feelings.
Validating that it's hard not to be the center of attention will help kids minimize their acting out and reinforce that the discomfort is temporary, leading to resilience skills.
2. Give the non-birthday kid a role in the festivities.
Giving the kids a special job like handing out the party favors or helping decorate can help them feel included and important.
3. Emphasize those responsibilities ahead of time.
Letting kids know "I could use your help at the birthday party" helps both build excitement for their role and give them time to emotionally prepare before all the tumult starts.
4. Don't push it if the other siblings don't want to help.
It's important not to pressure kids into these jobs if they don't want to do them, especially if it's making them act out emotionally.
5. Encourage compassion from the birthday kid.
Having the birthday boy or girl consider and help with how their siblings might be feeling will help manage the siblings' emotions and teach the birthday kid empathy.
6. Build in quality time with non-birthday siblings after the celebration is over.
A trip to a park or a fun errand just for the non-birthday sibling later in the day "reinforces the continued connection and specialness" for the other kids in the family.
The point, Dr. Kennedy-Moore said, is striking a balance. "Being sensitive and responsive to our kids' feelings doesn't mean we have to protect them from painful feelings," she says. "Empathizing and helping them cope is more empowering for them than trying to avoid all pain." And it'll also save your party guests the expense of having to buy extra gifts. Don't ask me how I know!
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
