Parents Don’t Realize These 10 Behaviors Sabotage Their Relationships With Their Adult Kids
Understand the subtle ways parents unintentionally harm their relationships with their kids — and how to break the cycle for good.
Halfpoint | Shutterstock Relationships are a two-way street, even between parents and their adult children. Sometimes, parents and their adult children have preconceived notions about each other, making it difficult for them to maintain a strong connection. They get stuck in old patterns, and parents don’t realize these behaviors sabotage their relationships with their adult kids.
Cultivating a close relationship takes a concerted effort from parents and their adult kids. Even if they don’t see eye-to-eye, meeting in the middle is the best way forward. Despite disagreements, treating each other with respect can keep the relationship parents have with their adult kids from eroding completely.
Parents don’t realize these 10 behaviors sabotage their relationships with their adult kids:
1.They impose unrealistic expectations on their kids.
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Parents don’t realize that imposing unrealistic expectations on their adult children will sabotage their relationships. Almost every parent has hopes for what their children will become, but there’s a difference between having dreams and forcing your kids to be something they’re not. Parents who expect perfection from their children, even as adults, sabotage their relationships.
Part of raising kids is holding space for them to grow into themselves. It’s okay to feel disappointed that your child decided not to go to law school or follow in your footsteps as a teacher, but those feelings are best kept to yourself. Adult children need to establish identities that are separate from who their parents are, and expecting otherwise can sabotage the relationship and even lead to estrangement.
2.They can't help themselves from opening up past emotional wounds.
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A behavior parents don’t realize can sabotage their relationships with their adult kids is bringing up wounds from the past. It’s healthy to openly talk about hardship as a way to process it and move through it, but constantly focusing on old wounds sometimes serves to make the pain feel as though it were still happening in the present.
Parents who force past wounds to the surface risk significantly sabotaging their relationships with their adult children if they haven’t healed themselves.
As psychologist Dr. Sandra Cohen shared, “There is such a thing as transgenerational trauma.”
“If your mom or dad had a traumatic childhood and that trauma was also unresolved, it is passed down from parent to child, from unconscious mind to unconscious mind,” she continued. “Parents who were traumatized live out their trauma.”
No matter what the roots of trauma are, “these various sources of trauma and their effects live on if they are unresolved.”
“Childhood trauma can sometimes leak into your adult life because, no matter how hard you’ve tried to go on, there is still a traumatized child living inside you,” Dr. Cohen explained. “A sensitive, kind, empathic response is what you need. The little traumatized child that still lives inside you has to feel safe and seen.”
Bringing up old wounds can be constructive, but it can also damage parents' relationship with their adult kids.
3.They constantly focus on their kids' flaws.
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Parents don’t realize that focusing on their adult children's flaws will sabotage their relationships. Being overly critical doesn’t inspire people to change; it just drags down their sense of self-worth and makes them want to distance themselves. When parents put all their energy into pointing out their adult children’s flaws, it leads to resentment, which can sabotage the relationship.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Jennifer Twardowski noted that “Most people who are over-critical have issues with themselves. People who are critical use it as a way to project their insecurities on other people.”
Giving constructive feedback can help people grow, but focusing on flaws keeps people stuck.
“A valid criticism would focus on improving instead of defining a person,” Twardowski explained. “But an overly critical person will weaponize your shortcomings to attack you and make you feel inferior.”
She shared that setting boundaries is the first step to combatting criticism. If that doesn't work, going low-contact or no-contact might be the path forward.
“You cannot create the life of your dreams if you don't focus on doing things for yourself first. By creating distance from the negative people in your life, and surrounding yourself with more positive and like-minded people, you allow yourself to grow and receive the support you truly need,” Twardowski concluded.
Mutual respect is an essential part of every relationship, and if parents don’t respect their adult children, it can sabotage their relationship.
4.They micromanage and criticize their adult children's decisions.
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Micromanaging their decisions is a behavior that parents don’t realize will sabotage their relationships with their adult children. Parents might not agree with their adult kids' choices, but trying to control them undermines their autonomy and makes them feel resentful.
Parents don’t get to decide where their kids live, their career path, or who they choose as a partner. While they might think their micromanaging behavior is a display of care, it reflects their control issues.
It can feel scary to admit we don’t have control over most things, especially those we love. Yet accepting that we can only control our own decisions and reactions can bring a sense of freedom and a more stable connection in our relationships.
Acknowledging that an adult child has their own life can be painful for parents, but letting their kids own their decisions is an act of trust and, ultimately, love.
5.They refuse to accept their child's partner.
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Not accepting their adult kid’s spouse is a behavior parents don’t realize will sabotage their relationships. As long as their spouse isn’t abusive or actively causing harm, rejecting an adult kid’s romantic partner creates tension that often results in their kids putting distance between themselves and their parents.
Some parents show their disapproval subtly, and others purposefully exclude or disrespect their adult kid’s spouses. Both behaviors are toxic. Adult children shouldn’t have to choose between their parents and their partners, and expecting them to do so sabotages the relationships parents have with their adult kids.
6.They diminish their kids' feelings.
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Parents don’t realize that diminishing their adult kids’ feelings will sabotage their relationships. When an adult child brings up emotions from childhood, parents should listen and hold space for their kids’ lived experiences instead of dismissing them.
Parents often invalidate their adult kids’ difficult emotions by saying phrases like, “It wasn’t that bad” or “You need to get over it.” These statements minimize how their adult children feel, which can quickly sabotage the relationship.
While emotionally validating their adult children might not be easy, it is the most caring way to respond. As psychologist Guy Winch pointed out, “conveying that we get what the other person is feeling and why they're feeling it is an effective way to soothe another person's feelings.”
Winch outlined a practical approach to emotional validation, offering a step-by-step guide on how to be validated.
“Invite them to tell you their perspective of what happened and how they felt about it,” he explained. “Listen with empathy and compassion. Your task is to get their perspective so you can convey it back to them.”
Winch noted that offering emotional validation is a powerful gift, as “feeling seen and understood is immensely cathartic.”
Parents might disagree with their adult kids’ version of events from the past or their present emotions, but dismissing them outright will sabotage their relationships.
7.They are inconsistent.
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Being inconsistent will sabotage parents’ relationships with their adult kids. When parents are unable or unwilling to show up for their kids, it fosters an unstable environment that can affect their kids’ emotional well-being, even as adults. Providing consistent support allows adult children to feel like their parents are reliable, which is essential for maintaining a close connection.
Psychologist Dr. Sheryl Ziegler revealed that effective parents have certain personality traits, including responsiveness and consistency.
She shared that consistency is “one of the most essential foundational skills to being a good parent.”
Being an inconsistent parent creates issues that can last well into adulthood, as kids need to feel securely attached to their parents to become prosperous and emotionally stable adults.
“Without consistent loving, caretaking, and discipline, your child will be less likely to take you seriously and push boundaries a lot more,” Dr. Ziegler explained. The lack of boundaries from childhood can impact how adult kids relate to their parents and form relationships with others.
Parents need to be consistent even when their kids are grown, or else they will sabotage their relationships.
8.They don't allow room for their kids to make mistakes or grow.
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Not allowing room for growth is a behavior that will sabotage parents’ relationships with their adult kids. As they grow up, kids try on different versions of their personalities until they find the expression that fits them best. Parents who don’t provide ample space for their kids to change make it hard for them to feel accepted and loved, even as adults.
It might be difficult for parents to recognize that their adult kids have identities, but forcing them into a box or defining them as someone they no longer are can crush the connection that parents and adult kids share.
Parents have to acknowledge that their adult kids have changed and will most likely keep changing. They can either embrace the people their adult kids have become or reject them, which will sabotage their relationship.
9.They're emotionally dependent on their kids.
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Another behavior that parents don’t realize will sabotage their relationships with their adult kids is being emotionally dependent. As parents age, they often slip into expecting their adult kids to provide undivided emotional support and attention, which can create a codependent dynamic. If adult kids are expected to put their lives on hold for their parents, they become resentful, which can sabotage the relationship.
While healthy emotional dependency is a normal function of stable relationships, being overly reliant on others isn’t healthy. Emotional helplessness is often rooted in dysfunctional family dynamics — parents who depend on their children for emotional regulation place an unhealthy burden on them. Ultimately, everyone is responsible for their feelings. Parents who expect their adult children to be emotional caretakers sabotage their relationship without realizing it.
10.They refuse to acknowledge their own mistakes.
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Parents who refuse to acknowledge their mistakes sabotage their relationships with their adult kids without realizing it. By not owning up to the harm they’ve caused, parents erode the trust between their adult children and themselves, which can be challenging to regain.
Admitting that you’ve done something wrong often means checking your pride at the door. It also means you must listen without judgment and accept someone else’s emotions without being defensive. Licensed marriage and family therapist Shelby Riley pointed out that the power of a genuine apology serves to “hold you accountable so that you are far less likely to make the same mistake again.”
She shared steps for offering a meaningful apology for mistakes, advising people to first “Acknowledge that it simply wasn’t okay to do. Make no excuses and give no explanations.”
“Explain what you'll do differently next time,” Riley continued, noting that committing to changing your actions can rebuild trust. Only then can you ask for forgiveness.
“Loving yourself and others means making sure you say you’re sorry. It’s one of the most important skills you can learn,” she concluded.
Parents who give their adult children genuine apologies show they’re open-minded and self-reflective, traits that help keep connections strong.