6 Painful Reasons Adult Children Decide To Walk Away From A Parent, According To Experts
Too much has happened to ever go back to the way things were.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva Cutting ties with a parent is never easy and rarely impulsive. According to experts, adult children who choose to walk away from their parents do so for some very painful reasons, and these same experts are shedding light on what finally pushes someone to choose distance over continued hurt.
Studies show that a substantial percentage of adult children experience estrangement from at least one parent. While it can be a difficult decision, it is frequently a last resort for adult children seeking to protect their well-being. They don't want to talk to their parent. There is a good reason, probably more than one reason, and that reason is not "just because" or "they are immature."
Here are six painful reasons adult children decide to walk away from a parent:
1. They receive nonstop criticism
fizkes / Shutterstock
Constant criticism, frequent comparisons to their more conformist siblings, and efforts to control their choices will drive adult children away. The negative drama makes them feel diminished and unloved.
Some parents refuse to accept that once their child becomes an adult, they are entitled to make their own choices and live on their own terms.
— Dr. Gloria Brame, Therapist
2. They never feel good enough
fizkes / Shutterstock
A common reason an adult child may become estranged from their parent is the feeling that they are not good enough. This perception can develop from ongoing patterns of criticism or unrealistic expectations from the parent, leading the child to feel undervalued and inadequate.
Over time, this can strain the relationship to the point of estrangement as the adult child seeks to protect their self-esteem and emotional well-being.
— Clare Waismann, Counselor and trauma therapist
3. They feel judged and shamed by their parents
fizkes / Shutterstock
As our children are growing up, they are constantly bombarded with changes in their environment and themselves. They seek answers and conditions that allow them to embrace the changes without feeling diminished and lost. As parents, we must be willing to go there with them without judgment, resentment, or shame (theirs or ours).
If our children don’t feel like we can truly see who they are and who they are becoming, they will not feel or believe in our love, no matter what we say. They will not confide in us if we are unaccepting or overly controlling. But if we allow ourselves to witness and embrace their experiences, vulnerabilities, and transformations with transparency, care, concern, and genuine support, they will know they are loved because they will love themselves.
— Larry Michel, The Love Shepherd
4. They are tired of the competition
fizkes / Shutterstock
I never understood why my mother couldn’t find contentment within herself. Why did she turn everything into a competition?
I was an innocent child who needed my mother to love and care for me. Instead, my mother gossiped about me and manipulated me. It wasn’t a healthy relationship for either one of us.
My mom and I never had a chance to form a real mother-daughter relationship. We never did things together, like shopping or having lunch together. Most of the time, I actively avoided her, going out of my way to keep my distance. When she moved to a different state, I never went to visit her. The space within my heart longed for a mother’s love, but not from the one I had.
— Glenna Gill, Writer
5. They have struggled with abuse
fizkes / Shutterstock
Honor thy father and thy mother, we were taught. As a Christian family, we read scripture at every dining table meal and sang Ephesians 6:1 as though it were a joyful song — "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." For us, the instruction was confusing. So much was wrong.
After I left, I didn’t share my story often. I wasn’t virtue signaling on purpose when I faux-squirmed under real admiration from those who heard it and knew I chose to remain in contact with — even close to — my mother. Still, I tried to offer an emotional balance point to the horror of the story by pointing to the positive (me! so indomitable, right?!).
"Wow," they said. "I don’t think I could have a relationship with her after all that." I would smile serenely, pull from a selection of phrases tucked away for such moments: "In a way I’m grateful… (deep shrug, rueful smile) it made me who I am!"
That was true, but also slippery. Unconsciously, I deployed these phrases to guide the listener to the next platform. A cue: now that you’re aware of what I’ve overcome, isn’t "who I am" shiny and impressive?
— Heather Hanslin, Writer, trauma researcher, and divorce coach
6. They have been taken advantage of
SynthEx / Shutterstock
A selfish or needy parent can push their adult child away when they use their child as an unpaid servant, and the adult child finally realizes they need to put their own life ahead of their parents.
When an adult child gets to a point where they feel like the only option they have is to go silent, the no-contact can be long-standing. In other cases, the break may allow the adult child to get clear what they need, and they may reconnect only if the parent honors their new boundaries.
— Marilyn Sutherland, Relationship and Communication Coach
Childhood sets the foundation for the rest of our lives and relationships. Childhood is the anchor of our story.
Sometimes, the story is tragic or traumatic, and that anchor starts to pull us underwater and threaten our safety. When an adult child cuts the rope connecting them to the anchor of a parent, it is often because that parent has not done their job, nor have they chosen to admit the impact they have had on the adult they helped create.
The work of resolution might take years, or never happen. If resolution is possible, it requires emotional stability from the parent, which was often lacking in the past.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
