The Only Goal Parents Should Have For Their Kids, According To A Renowned Attachment Therapist
Four of the best ways to ensure your child is getting what they need.
Katrinshine via Shutterstock We all want our kids to have a blissful childhood and lots of friends, to be great at sports or other activities, to get good grades and have a fun educational experience, and, eventually to grow up and get great jobs and have a family. This list may be unrealistic, which is OK. Dreams are great! The problem is when the less-important goals direct your parenting, rather than what really matters.
What really matters when it comes to parenting? According to attachment therapist Eli Harwood, there's only one goal you should set for your parenting: to grow a secure attachment between your kids and yourself.
In the podcast Getting Open, Harwood, author of Securely Attached: Transform Your Attachment Patterns into Loving, Lasting Romantic Relationships, says her goal isn't to give her children a perfect childhood. Neither does she expect things to always be rainbows and flowers at home. No, Harwood's goals are much simpler than that.
How to know if your child feels securely attached
"My hope is that they have a deep core sense of 'my mom really cares about me''," Harwood explains. "[She cares about] what I feel, what I need, and will put in the work to own her [stuff] when it gets in the way."
But, getting to that point is far from easy. We all make mistakes. But that's part of Harwood's message: we aren't called on to be perfect. As long as we do these things, then we know for certain that we're showing up for our kids in the best way we can. Here are a few signs your child feels securely attached:
Your child feels scared do they seek you out
The best way to know if you've developed that secure attachment is by looking at your child's behavior. Specifically, how do they react when they're scared?
Harwood explains, "What you want to see is that when your child feels scared, or deeply tender, that they seek you out, they cling to you and they find your response is soothing to them."
But, it's important not to panic if your kid doesn't fit this bill. She continues, "This is going to be so [different[ depending on the kid because you're going to have kids that are really kind of just chill and life just doesn't bother them all that much."
So, "You're really looking for, does my child believe that I will show up for them and help them regulate when they are feeling overwhelmed by life?" Because if they are, then you most likely have a secure attachment with your child.
Your adolescent child looks to you during the big moments in life
Now, as your kid gets older their attachment transfers onto their peers. Because of this, they're less likely to come to you for emotional support. Yet, that doesn't mean they cut you off from their life completely.
When those big moments in their life happen, most kids will come to you for advice or comfort. Harwood asks, "You know, they have a big break up. Are they coming to us in that moment? Are they dialoguing?" Most importantly, what's the music of your relationship?
Is the overall vibe cheerful? Or is it terrifying and dreadful? And if it's the ladder, what changes do we need to make to improve the melody of our relationship?
Four key ways to build secure attachment with our kids
1. We need to light up around our kids
The biggest mistake we make as parents is not expressing our love beyond just saying the words. Understand that your child needs confirmation that they're not a hindrance or an annoyance to you.
They need to know that they're loved and appreciated when they step into that room. They need to know that they bring you joy and that you are grateful for them. Harwodd adds, "They need to know that we want them in the room, that we find them delightful, that it is an honor to be their parent, to be near them."
She continues, "Not for something that they're doing, not for their good behavior, just for their presence."
2. We need to show up
Do you show up for your child during those small moments? Are you there to teach your child how to play ball? Or are you there to see them graduate? Do you read them books, play games, listen to their stories? It's the big and the little things that count.
Harwood explains, "We need to show up in their tender and triumphant moments. So [not just] in the moments when they are flooded with emotion and they are needing our support, but also in those milestones."
They need to know that they're loved and that they matter. If not, you might just find your child distancing themselves from you completely.
3. Listen to them
We've all been horrible listeners at some point. Maybe we ignored a child completely out of frustration or exhaustion. Or maybe we were so busy we just didn't have time to hear about their day. It's important to not sweat about those small mistakes. As long as you don't make it a habit, it's okay to misstep from time to time.
As long as you make an honest effort, you're sure to light up your kid's world and create a healthier relationship because of it. Shift some of your goals from "making the perfect lunch" to "listen attentively to their stories". It's the listening that they'll remember.
4. Make amends when things go wrong
It can feel uncomfortable or humiliating to admit when you're wrong, especially as a parent. Because as parents we'd like to think we know better. Yet, that just isn't the case — not for anyone!
The truth is, we're bound to have arguments or conflicts, even with our own kids. But choosing to address those issues and apologize for our mistakes, can create the perfect learning opportunities for your kid.
Harwood explains, "We are responsible for the repairing process. And by doing that, our children learn how to be responsibly repairing people in the world. Both with us later on, and with their friends, and with their other important attachment figures."
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.