New Mom ‘Irked’ By How Much Her Mother Loves Her Daughter — ‘She Loves So Deeply’
She's overwhelmed by her mother's excessive adoration.
Tomsickova Tatyana | Shutterstock Raising a child takes a village, and the help of family members, like grandparents, is invaluable to new moms and dads.
However, one mom admitted that she's frustrated with her mother's overwhelming love and the lack of boundaries that she has with her newborn daughter. Sharing her story, anonymously, to Slate's parenting advice column, the new mom claimed that, despite her mother's good intentions, it's becoming a bit too much.
The new mom is 'irked' by how much her mother loves her daughter.
"My mother is becoming very attached to my 6-week-old daughter," the woman began her letter to Slate. "She says things like 'Thank you for her, she is a blessing,' which I know is an expression of gratitude but which also irks me because my daughter is a person, not a gift to be enjoyed."
When the mom communicated her discomfort about the choice of words, explaining that her daughter isn't a "gift," her mother doubled down. "She gets mad and says, 'I am so thankful for her, she is the best gift."
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"She loves so deeply and craves this love, and it is beautiful that she loves my daughter so much," the anonymous mom continued. "But I worry that she will be too attached."
The woman shared an example of her mother's overwhelming love. Because she is going away for the weekend with some friends and will miss her granddaughter, her mother requested her daughter send her daily baby photos.
The mom admitted this request sounded more like an "assignment" — one she did not want to complete. Still, her mother argued it only took a few seconds to snap a photo and send it to her.
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She explained that her mom has 'abandonment and attachment issues,' and she is worried about what will happen if she ever moves away.
According to the woman, her mother's behavior can be attributed to "instances of grief and trauma throughout her life since childhood."
Those experiences have left her incredibly attached to her daughter and grandchild; however, the woman worries about what will happen if she moves away.
"She has always struggled when I have lived elsewhere," she admitted. "There’s a chance my husband and I might move away, and I worry that her intensity of feeling will escalate, and we’ll start hearing, 'You can’t take my granddaughter away from me!'"
The new mom sought advice about setting boundaries with her mother and handling grandparents with attachment issues without forsaking their love and support.
The advice columnist encouraged the mom to exercise forgiveness and generosity toward her mother.
"Your mom needs constant connection and reassurance," advice columnist Dan Kois acknowledged. "Likely because of growing up with a mother like that, you find such behavior smothering and reject the 'obligations' it imposes. This rejection, in turn, just makes your mother upset and more needy."
Koi added that this pattern is likely not new — just emphasized by the new baby.
While it may be frustrating, it's not a bad thing that her mother is obsessed with her new grandchild—after all, the baby is only six weeks old.
"It is entirely possible that your mom will settle down a little as the weeks and months go by, and your daughter cements herself in your mother’s life not as a precious gift but as a human being who cries, smiles, poops, etc.," Kois explained.
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But until then, the woman must set clear boundaries with her mother. She should decide how involved she wants her mother to be and honestly share those expectations.
"One simple way to start creating and enforcing boundaries is not to accede to these demands," Koi added. "Send photos to your mother when you feel the desire to share, not according to her made-up 'What Grandmas Like' schedule."
As a new parent, it can be overwhelming when other family members try to encroach on your space, but open and honest communication can help. There's clearly a lot of love in this family, and as long as they hold onto that, everything should work out in the end.
Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news, and lifestyle writer whose work delves into modern-day issues and experiences.