New Mom Asks Experienced Mothers What It Took For Their Partners To 'Step Up' — 'It Seems I'm Nagging'
Expressing her needs doesn't mean she's nagging.
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock Having a baby brings an instantaneous change to people’s routines. Parents may have had nine months to prepare for their baby’s arrival, but providing 24/7 care to a tiny, wailing bundle of joy who’s always hungry is a true trial-by-fire experience.
The transition can be especially hard if one parent feels like the balance of labor isn’t divided equitably.
A new mom asked experienced mothers what it took for their partners to ‘step up’ and take on more responsibility.
She wrote to the r/parenting subReddit expressing both her exhaustion and her frustration that her partner doesn’t seem to understand how hard it is to be a stay-at-home mom.
“Our baby is 13 weeks and I am finding myself constantly asking my partner to step up to the point he feels I am nagging,” she explained.
She shared that her husband works full time and supports the family financially, “but he also has time for the gym most days and will play video games after baby and I go to bed [because] he’s sleeping in the spare room.”
“Really, he has two hours after work in which he can spend time with her,” the mom said, before explaining that he uses that time to have dinner and not do much else, leaving her still in charge of the parenting.
They moved for his work, so she doesn’t have much of a support system, outside of the mom-and-baby groups she goes to.
Arsenii Palivoda | Shutterstock
“Our friends and family are so far away that there isn’t much reprieve,” she added, highlighting how hard it can be for moms to access the elusive “village” that’s supposed to help raise their kids.
The mom then asked other moms on Reddit for advice on how to get her husband to hear what she needs and help out.
"The more I try to talk to him about needing support, the more it seems as though I’m nagging, so it’s just not getting through in the way that I want it to," she admitted.
Most of the advice she got centered around two common themes: Having him care for the baby on his own and implementing time for herself when she’s reachable by phone but not available to parent.
One mom shared that her husband stepped up as a parent after staying home for a month with their baby while she went to work.
“He never again questioned how hard it is to take care of a baby,” she wrote.
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
Research has shown that when fathers take paternity leave, it not only helps them bond with their babies, but it rewires their brains in a way that essentially trains them as caregivers. Even though dads don’t experience the hormonal shifts of pregnancy or giving birth, their brains do change when they care for their babies in a hands-on way.
The mom acknowledged that taking time off might not be possible, which led to her second piece of advice.
“Push for equal ‘me’ time during the baby's waking hours and weekends,” she said. “He gets to go to the gym, you get to use an equal amount of time for yourself, however you choose to spend it.”
“Why is he the only one who gets time off? If you worked outside the home, you'd both be sharing in that parenting time once home, so why should this be different?” she questioned, highlighting just how uneven parenting can be.
Ground Picture | Shutterstock
Other moms agreed that she also deserved time away for herself.
“You need one full weekend day off and he gets one full weekend day off,” one mom advised.
Another mom suggested asking him to complete specific tasks, like getting groceries after going to the gym or being responsible for all the diaper changes, which she believed “might make the division of labor more apparent.”
During the initial weeks and months after having a baby, both parents are actively adapting to their new roles and style of life. Yet part of what this mom is saying is that she doesn’t feel seen, heard, or held, and when she does voice her needs, it’s framed as nagging.
Setting a caregiving schedule and insisting on time for herself might mitigate any impending mom burnout, but there’s still the deeper issue at hand, which is that her partner isn’t showing up how she needs him to.
Hopefully, the mom knows that her needs are valid, even if she feels like a nag. Ultimately, showing up is a decision that no one else can make for her partner, except for the partner, himself.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.