Mom Worried After Her 3-Year-Old Says He Doesn't Love His Dad — 'They Just Don't Jive'
Toddlers favoring one parent over another is totally normal — and it might even be a good sign.
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock You don't have to be a parent to know that there's nothing easy about toddlers. For one mom on Reddit, her son's entry into the dreaded "threenager" stage has brought with it a particularly distressing parent-child dynamic.
Luckily experts say what she's experiencing is totally normal — and maybe even a good sign. But it's left her feeling deeply worried and wondering what she should do about it.
Her toddler prefers her over his dad and says he doesn't love his father, which has her deeply worried.
Experts say that nearly all kids go through a phase of preferring one parent over another, especially if one parent spends more time with them.
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But this mom's situation has reached what feels to her like a whole new level. "I don’t know what to do anymore," she wrote. "My 3-and-a-half-year-old has always been more attached to me vs his father."
Like many parent-child situations like this, she's the one who's "home with him the most," and her son has clung to her accordingly — a phenomenon sometimes referred to as the "barnacle baby."
But no matter how hard her husband tries, the kid just isn't budging. "They do have great moments, but as a whole, they don’t jive."
And when her son escalated to saying he doesn't love his dad, she got downright worried. "I try to be supportive and tell [my husband] ... it’s a phase," she wrote, "but it’s been a pretty long phase."
Other parents assured the mom that there's nothing abnormal about this — and that she shouldn't take her toddler's words literally.
"He is one, and he doesn't understand what love is," one parent wrote in response. "You are putting adult expectations on the kid. Which I understand is totally normal, but … he has no idea what he is talking about."
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Another added that what's really going on here is experimentation. "He's testing boundaries," they wrote. "Little kids are wired to challenge you to see if they will still be loved and protected by you. Not consciously, but innately."
This definitely resonated with the mom, as did another parent's more humorous take on the matter. "He’s 3 1/2 years old," they wrote. "He probably loves cartoons more than the both of you, LOL"
It turns out these parents know what they speak of, too. Experts like pediatricians and child development specialists say that experimentation is pretty much exactly what this is about — and it's actually a really good thing.
Experts say kids preferring one parent is not only normal but is a sign of secure attachment.
While it may make a parent feel a bit sensitive — or even outright hurt their feelings — experts say that toddlers and little kids preferring one parent over the other, sometimes called "toddler favoritism," is indeed completely normal. It even somewhat famously happened to Cardi B!
This preference is often exacerbated by the "threenager" stage — the period when the tantrums of the "terrible twos" give way to the sassy, verbal obstinance around three years old.
It's all part of toddlers asserting their independence and experimenting with decision-making. Demanding that only daddy bring them their snack, for instance, is a perfect way for them to practice.
And it's actually a very good sign. Dr. Nia Heard-Garris, a physician at Chicago's Lurie Children's Hospital, explained to The New York Times that the preference for one parent indicates secure attachment, the healthiest of the four attachment styles. Otherwise, the child would cling to whatever scrap of affection they can get, regardless of who's giving it.
So, don't take it personally. Instead, pat yourself on the back — you've done such a good job of ensuring your kid has a stable, healthy relationship with both themself and their parents that they feel totally comfortable being … well, a bit of a pill about it. They trust you implicitly and that's a parenting win, as counterintuitive as it may seem!
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice and human interest topics.