Mom Wonders How To Tell Her Husband And Her 'Boomer' In-Laws That Her Baby Isn't Spoiled Because She Holds Him Frequently
Spoiling a baby isn't real, and there's no such thing as holding one too much. So why does this idea persist?
fizkes / Shutterstock No matter how hard you try to do everything exactly right, someone is always going to tell you you're parenting wrong. For one new mom on Reddit, though, the people criticizing her parenting include not just her boomer in-laws but also her own husband.
However, their criticisms are totally outdated and based on faulty information, and she's wondering how to get this through their heads once and for all.
Her husband and in-laws say she's spoiling her baby by holding him too much.
How much and when to pick up a baby has been a subject of debate for generations. Many nowadays believe you should hold a baby as much as possible, but much of the old conventional wisdom that you should let babies "cry it out" to learn to be self-sufficient persists.
Count this mom's husband and in-laws in the latter camp. She and her husband have a colicky newborn son just two months old, and it's been a real challenge. "He cries a lot," she wrote in her Reddit post, "but I know it’s because he is uncomfortable and his little tummy hurts."
She instinctively picks her son up when he cries because she knows an upright position is more comfortable for him.
"When my son cries, I naturally react," she said, as any parent would. Over the two months she's been dealing with his colic, she's noticed that he seems to do best when his little body is upright. So when he cries, she picks him up.
flauma / Shutterstock
"And frankly, I hate seeing him cry," she added. Plus, she loves "to sit in the rocking chair with my son and get those baby cuddles" — which is half the fun of having a baby in the first place, right? The rest is just screaming and puking and pooping, after all!
But it's led to her butting heads with her husband and in-laws, who think her attention to the baby is what's behind all his problems.
Her husband and in-laws blame her for the baby's constant crying and think he needs to learn to 'cry it out.'
Her husband told her he thinks their baby cries because she holds him too much. "My husband thinks that he needs to 'cry it out' to get tired enough to go to sleep," she wrote.
He got this idea from his own mother. "His mother tells him, 'You never really cried but when you did I just let you cry it out,'" she said, adding that her husband maintains "crying won’t hurt him" and is adamant about this point. "But I just don’t agree," she said.
She's tried to explain that this is "an old way of thinking," and has told him that "you can’t hold a baby too much" and that "babies aren’t manipulative and can’t be spoiled," but he refuses to listen — as do his "boomer parents."
The notion that too much holding spoils a baby goes back generations but experts say it is 100% a myth.
If you've ever wondered if it's possible to spoil a baby, experts like pediatricians, child development specialists, and family therapists say it's a simple, clear-cut answer: No.
This mom is correct — it's literally impossible to spoil a baby because their brains have not even developed enough to take on such personality characteristics. And nowadays, experts say the old methods like "cry it out" are totally baseless — and many say they're actively harmful.
fast-stock / Shutterstock
Babies have no other means of communicating their needs besides crying, and they certainly don't understand which of their needs are and are not urgent. They are not capable of learning the difference either.
As marriage and family therapist Lianne Avila put it to us, "Don’t buy into letting them cry it out. This will make your child feel alone and insecure." Babies need to be responded to when they cry to develop a sense of safety and confidence and for them to form the all-important secure attachment style with their caretakers, which is vital for lifelong mental health.
And since babies' vision is pretty poor, the sensory feedback provided by holding is part of how they get to know who their parents even are and know that they're nearby to meet their needs.
Scientific studies have even found that babies who are held more have better brain development. That doesn't mean you have to hold them 24/7 — you can put them down to tend to your own needs, so long as you're responsive as soon as possible should they start to cry.
But the bottom line is that there simply is no such thing as spoiling a baby, and there's no such thing as holding a baby too much. Besides, the day will soon come when they can't be bothered to hug you anyway. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts!
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice, and human interest topics.