Mom Feels Like She 'Failed' After Her 10-Year-Old Daughter Came Out As Bisexual
If love is love, parents need to fully listen to kids when they open up.
fizkes / Shutterstock A mother and her daughter shared a tender moment of connection after having a conversation about crushes.
The mom wrote to the r/parenting subreddit to express what she considered a parenting fail, only to discover the true value of repair.
The mom felt like she ‘failed’ after her 10-year-old daughter came out to her as bisexual.
She relayed her conversation with her daughter, writing, “Lately she’s been wanting me to share all my crushes with her. Like wanting me to name them and what age I was… I figured she just wants to get to know that part of me.”
The mom shared the names of her various crushes throughout her life, ending with her husband — her kids’ dad — telling her, “That’s my last crush and still crush.”
Photo: fizkes / Shutterstock
The daughter responded by opening up to the mom and revealing her crushes. “In 3rd grade, it was Ben," her daughter informed her. "This year it’s also Ben but it’s also another person, but I don’t know if I want to tell you.”
The mom described her daughter’s expression as “kind of withdrawn and nervous,” so she told her, “You don’t have to, but you know you can trust me.”
At that, her daughter revealed that she had a crush on another girl.
She reminded her mom of a conversation they had a year earlier, during which the 10-year-old told her mom she thought she was bisexual. Her mom had responded that she shouldn’t label herself, because she’ll know what she is when she’s older. Because of this, her daughter wondered if she felt “secretly disappointed” that she was not straight.
“I wasn’t disappointed,” the mom told her daughter. “Do you have any idea how proud of you I am?”
She told her daughter it didn’t matter whether she liked boys or girls, “as long as you’re a good person and don’t hurt anyone.”
The mom reiterated “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are who you are.”
She edited the post to include that her son overheard their conversation and gave his sister a hug and his support, letting her know that his best friend is a bisexual girl. The daughter told her dad, who reiterated her mom's message: They don’t care who she likes, “as long as she’s a good person and happy.”
“I’ve never seen her shine so bright,” the mom concluded.
While the mom was hard on herself for her initial reaction to her daughter expressing her sexuality, she received a wellspring of support from other parents online.
One parent offered a different perspective, saying, “You’ve done such a good job making her feel loved that she felt comfortable bringing it up again and confident enough to share how the last conversation made her feel.”
“It's clear that even though your daughter felt some doubt about how you felt, the strong foundation of your relationship ultimately brought you back together,” a second Redditor wrote.
Another parent reframed what the mother saw as her failure, noting, “The real success comes from the pattern of behavior. Not the moments we wish we could change in hindsight.”
A fourth user made a valuable point about how diminishing it can be to kids to tell them that they’re “too young to think about certain things.”
“When someone tells you who they are, believe them,” they exclaimed.
“If you think your kid is too young, just say, ‘Thanks for telling me. I love you!’ and leave it alone. Maybe they will change their mind, maybe they won't. But it's better to support them regardless and let them figure it out for themselves than it is not to support them,” they continued. “Love your kids. Trust that they know themselves.”
Photo: Vijay Sadasivuni / Pexels
All too often, people who inhabit identities along the margin of the status quo are told that they don’t fully belong. Instead of normalizing loving who you love, telling kids not to label themselves is an unintentional act of othering.
The more parents learn to listen to their children fully, especially when it comes to who and how they love, the more actual acceptance will abound.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.