Mom Asks If She's Wrong For Banning Her 25-Year-Old Who Lives At Home From Pursuing A Hobby
Tough love or unfair control?
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock It’s not uncommon for young adults to live with their parents in today’s day and age. With astronomical housing costs, student debt, and inflation, more than 50% of young adults in America are still living or moving back in with their parents as a way to save money, and this is a valid choice. If you have the option to, why not?
One mom has allowed her three adult children to continue living at home, and while she has aimed to be supportive, she seems concerned about the impact this cushion is having on her kids, particularly her oldest.
The mom took to Reddit to ask if she was wrong for wanting to ban her 25-year-old from engaging in their expensive LARPing hobby.
In her Reddit post, the mom explained she has three kids, all over the age of 20. Her 25-year-old nonbinary child, whom she called Po, recently moved back home around a year ago after experiencing a situation with the roommates they lived with beforehand.
The mom relieved Po of needing to contribute to their rent while they were looking for work. Now that Po has secured a part-time job, they’re responsible for paying $100 in rent each month, including utilities, food, and gas for the mom’s car that they share — a fair deal overall.
CasarsaGuru | Canva Pro
Po is responsible for paying other expenses on their own, including their portion of their cell phone service, car insurance, student loan payments, and personal subscriptions.
However, the mom revealed that Po still owes their parents $350 for the initial months they were living at home and didn’t pay rent.
She shared how she and Po both enjoy live-action role play (LARP), the activity of dressing up as and acting as fictional characters, which can get expensive. They like to attend LARP events regularly and are planning on showing up for next month’s event.
“[Po] started talking about how they're looking forward to the event and how they'll just ride with us,” the mom wrote. “This doesn't sit well with me since they owe us money and would be losing money from not working an entire weekend when they don't even work every day of the week.”
The mom told Po they weren't allowed to attend a LARPing event and would face consequences if they did.
In other words, the mom grounded her 25-year-old — a grown adult with a fully developed brain. While Po is living at home and partially depending on their parents, they are still a working adult with responsibilities and interests.
After thorough deliberation, the mom prohibited Po from attending the event, stressing the importance of focusing on saving their money instead. However, she predicted Po would likely still try to go to the event with their friends regardless of her demands. Hence, she took the restriction one step further (or back?) and threatened to place additional repercussions if Po disobeyed her — disallowing them from leaving the house or using the car for anything other than work or medical appointments.
wichayada suwanachun | Shutterstock
“We already have somewhat of a strained relationship, and they rarely talk to me unless it's about themselves,” the mom explained. “They tend to either shut down or explode at me if I say anything that comes across at all criticizing.”
Many young adults are given the option to move back in with their parents but refuse to despite the support it may offer them. This isn’t necessarily because they have too much pride but because they’re afraid of their parents treating them like children again, and they refuse to trade their independence for anything.
To these young adults, moving back home equates to becoming dependent on their parents again, which reopens the door for their parents to try and dictate certain aspects of their lives, as the mom in the post appears to be doing.
Reddit users believed the mom's decision to ground her adult child contradicts her efforts to encourage their independence.
Her concerns are valid, as she likely only wants to see her children succeed and prosper, but she appears to still view them as kids rather than young adults. Reddit users agreed that the mom should continue enforcing responsibility and independence, but there are more effective strategies for doing this.
“Wanting to teach your adult child to be more financially responsible so that they can get out of debt and eventually start building their own wealth and living independent of you and your husband is perfectly reasonable,” someone commented. “However, while they may be your child, they are no longer in fact a child, and treating them like one is a great way to permanently ruin your relationship with them.”
“If you want your kid to start acting more like an adult, you need to also start treating them like one,” they added.
Other Reddit users suggested the mom is not only using her role in Po’s current situation as leverage to make decisions about their life, but she’s also missing out on a bonding experience with her child over a few hundred dollars.
“She complains she has a strained relationship with her kid, but when her kid wants to go together with her to a LARPing event, a shared interest that seems ripe for bonding, OP wants to ground them,” someone else commented.
“They might be under your roof but you absolutely CANNOT prevent them from leaving the house,” one person argued in the comments. “They are an adult and some things you simply don’t have a say in whether they live with you or not. That’s controlling.”
The mom is valid for wanting her adult child to take more responsibility, but is it fair to ground a 25-year-old?
Parents will be divided in their beliefs surrounding the level of assistance they choose to grant their young adult kids. The reality is that not too many 25-year-olds can say they only pay $100 in rent, and perhaps Po does need to take more initiative in regaining their independence. In the same vein, Generation Zers are struggling more than ever from every corner of the country, and it’s important to give them grace for the cultural and economic changes they’ve had no control over.
The mom is not wrong for wanting to foster a sense of financial independence and responsibility in Po, but she is wrong for attempting to restrict her adult child from their own hobbies, which will only drive them apart.
Rather than trying to punish Po, perhaps she should consider firmly pushing them to prioritize their financial obligations before anything else.
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers lifestyle, human-interest, adventure, and spirituality topics.