Mom Admits To Loving Her First Child More ‘Intensely’ Than Her Second — 'Do You Genuinely Love Your Children Equally?'
It's been heavily stigmatized, but is favoritism actually that abnormal?
Malysh Falko | Shutterstock It's perhaps the most stigmatized part of being a mother. The mere thought that you might not love all of your children equally. We make all kinds of assumptions about mothers accused of favoritism, but is it really that abnormal?
That first taste of motherhood has to hit a bit differently than when you have your second or third. That's not to say a mom doesn't love all her kids, but as one mom pointed out on Reddit, the intensity is different. Needless to say, her post opened up a discussion about this hot-button topic that might have you changing your opinion.
A mom feels guilty for loving her first child more 'intensely' than her second.
One of the most classic bits on "Arrested Development" is when Lucille, the prickly, unhinged matriarch of the Bluth family, angrily insists she loves all her children equally just before the camera cuts to Lucille earlier that day saying, "I don't care for Gob," her eldest son.
Part of why it resonates is because for so many of us, this feels kind of familiar. Because let's be honest: Most of us know our mom has a favorite, right? Or at least, most of us *who aren't the favorite* know our mom has a favorite. They have to deny it, lest they crush our spirits or whatever, but it's often not the truth!
And if you think about it, it's kind of weird that we hold this against moms. We all play favorites with every other genre of person in our lives. We all have "best friends" elevated above the rest, a sibling we're closer to than the others, favorite co-workers, favorite aunts, favorite nieces, or nephews. But having a favorite child? That's a crime.
Which brings us to this mom on Reddit. "If I’m being completely honest the love for my first born [sic]has always been more intense than my second," she wrote. "I just remember feeling so much more intense love for my first."
The mom said that the love she has for her second child feels different from her first.
The mom wondered if it has to do with how "seriously overwhelming" the experience of going from a mother of one to a mother of two has been, or if it's down to her boys' very different personalities.
Her first is a very sensitive "mama's boy" with autism, while her second is "very boisterous" and is also equally attached to his mom, dad, and his grandparents. Whatever the case, she can't shake how different the experience is. "I know I’ve known my older boy for longer so have had longer to build the love," she wrote, explaining that her first is 6 while her second is still just a baby.
But while she loves her baby deeply, what she described as "that intense oxytocin rush you feel in your chest and the fiery lioness feeling you feel if you feel someone has wronged them," just isn't as intense. "I’m not saying I like either child more, just that I’ve struggled to feel the physical sensation of love more with my second."
These feelings are incredibly common. In fact, they are way too common not to be natural.
Search this topic online or ask your friends, and you'll likely find scores of moms having similar experiences. "Yes, I love them equally! So much! But I love them differently," Crystal, a mom of two, told us. "My two are VASTLY different. Have been since conception. And there are ABSOLUTELY times you prefer one over the other."
Asked if she had a favorite, she said no, but that she absolutely preferred one over the other during certain times of their lives, depending on who was in their terrible twos or moody teen years, for example. "And then they sometimes are just little [expletives] and you don’t want anything to do with either of them lol," she added.
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Alice, a mom of three, shared a different perspective when we asked her about playing favorites. “I don’t have a favorite, for sure. But I feel more bonded and in tune with my eldest." She added, "I think it’s partly because he’s just been around longer. But part of it is all of the firsts we experience together. It’s like we’re in the trenches together and having new adventures.”
An important point Alice added was that although it was an adjustment after adding twins to her "little family," it got easier. "When the twins were born, I grieved our little family," she said, "but now I can’t wait to find the things we can all do together once they’re older."
And perhaps most important, there may even be an actual physiological reason for feeling like "that intense oxytocin rush you feel in your chest," as the Reddit mom described it, has dissipated: levels of the "bonding hormone" oxytocin often do actually dissipate with subsequent pregnancies because a mother's body has already learned the ropes of motherhood.
Experts say having a favorite is natural, and it's only harmful if it turns into favoritism.
In the end, this situation points to one of the most natural parts of life: Your first time with basically anything is always more intense, memorable, and impactful than the next ones. I don't have kids of my own, but the moment my brother first laid my nephew in my arms was completely different than with his younger sisters. It just hit different! (No offense, girls, but for what it's worth, the guilt I feel IS why you tend to get more expensive Christmas presents....)
Experts say the trouble comes when "different" turns into unequal. A study released earlier this year found that most parents, whether they realize it or not, have a favorite child, influenced by everything from gender to personality traits.
Basically, the old saw that "I love them equally but I don't necessarily like them equally" is pretty much the reality, but the researchers stressed that it's the "potentially damaging family patterns" of favoritism and unequal treatment that sometimes arise that are problematic, not having a favorite itself.
They also said they hoped their study would help parents better understand how to identify these patterns, which points to the real crux of this topic. If moms were simply allowed to be open about this rather than being burdened with the guilt and shame of being stigmatized as uncaring monsters, we'd all probably be a lot better off
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
