Millennial Mom Admits It's 'Beyond Exhausting' Trying To Stop Her Boomer Mom From Making Her Kids Anxious
She explained that her mother's behavior comes from a place of love but she doesn't want her children absorbing that anxious behavior.
Mikhail Nilov / Pexels A mother has sparked a discussion around trying to shield her children from the parenting styles of their grandparents after having been affected by it during her own childhood. Gabi Day, a millennial mother to her 18-month-old twin children, shared that her boomer mother is very involved in her grandchildren's lives but unfortunately, it doesn't come without its faults.
She admitted that it's exhausting trying to stop her mother from making her kids anxious.
"Does anyone else have a boomer mom whose primary love language is anxiety at you because I feel like we need a support group," Day began in her video. She explained that while she loves her mother and understands that this behavior stems from how much she cares about her, it was "beyond exhausting" trying to navigate this during her childhood.
"She was always very reactive, nervous, and anxious. My sister and I absorbed that energy and surprise, we are anxious adults," she said. "She made sure that we knew and understood the full essay version of why she was worried about something."
She noticed that this was coupled with the fact that her mother is a very anxious individual as it is, but refuses to acknowledge it. Now that Day has two toddlers of her own, her mother is pretty involved in their childcare, and she can see the same things happening.
Day gave examples, recalling a time when her children fell inches from the couch onto a padded mat on the floor, and her mother responded by gasping and showing "exaggerated physical reactions." Of course, this visceral reaction from Day's mother doesn't particularly help the situation and causes her children to become startled and anxious themselves.
Again, Day insisted that her mother's behavior comes from a place of love and care for her grandchildren, and anytime they fuss, which is normal since they're toddlers, her mother won't react calmly but will approach them with a frantic attitude.
"On the flip side of this, she sees me actively trying to be the calm in the room, model emotional regulation, and she looks at me confused," Day noticed. Her mother doesn't quite understand that having a calmer demeanor is something that works better for children, especially in high-stress situations.
Day admitted that it is frustrating for her and the unspoken assumption that her mother believes that just because she isn't a high-anxiety person with her kids means she doesn't care about them.
"How do you cope? Especially when that parent is now involved as a grandparent. She loves my kids so much, that's not the issue. How do I protect my kids from not becoming anxious like I did?" Day inquired.
Some people have called out the 'boomer panic' in older generations' inability to stay calm in difficult situations.
The term "boomer panic" was explained by a content creator who goes by the username @myexistentialdread on TikTok. She pointed out that a lot of older generations will display frustration and resort to screaming and panicking when they can't control their emotions.
"I’ve only experienced this with Boomers,” she observed. “Never with anyone else. Only old people who… they just panic, and they get so angry."
In the comments section of her video, one person explained that it seems boomers struggle with "toddler-like panic from lack of emotional regulation is one thing."
"The amnesia they seem to develop as soon they down-regulate and act like they didn’t just have a meltdown is what always knocks me out. No emotional regulation or emotional permanency," they continued.
This type of behavior can be especially frustrating in Day's case, as a parent who doesn't want her children to be affected by their grandmother's lack of emotional regulation. Trying to bring up this concern can also be difficult, as this is the type of behavior her mother has been accustomed to all of her life and is ingrained in her to the point that it may seem as if she doesn't realize that her anxiety is rubbing off on her children and grandchildren.
A licensed therapist and attachment expert, Eli Harwood, explained that as adults, a lot of us have "done emotional healing" that our parents may not have done for themselves. Because of this, a lot of parents nowadays have learned the best ways to regulate their emotions in front of their children.
"So what can we do to handle this strange reality?" Harwood told YourTango. "Manage our expectations of their growth. Unless they are actively pursuing therapy and personal insight, we need to accept that they are likely to stay at their current level of emotional awareness and immaturity. Accepting that helps to keep us out of a daily cycle of disappointment"
She also recommended lessening the time that your children spend in a grandparent's care if their parenting styles are becoming a source of worry, like in Day's case.
"A couple of days a week with our anxious parents won't alter our children's attachment security overall. Children absorb relational/mental patterns from the people who they are most attached to (usually us), and whom they spend the most amount of time with."
On top of that, Harwood noted that it's completely fine for parents to acknowledge the anxiety-ridden behavior that they notice in their grandparents. From saying things like, "Grammy has a lot of fear in her body and sometimes it comes out in moments that you and I would have a calm reaction too. When she does that to me, I just try to remember that I am safe and that her feelings don't have to be mine," it can make a huge difference in how your children absorb that energy.
Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news, and lifestyle writer whose work delves into modern-day issues and experiences.