Millennial Son Tells His Aging Mom He Can't Help Her When She Gets Older — 'I Don't Have The Funds Or The Time'
Should he be expected to abandon his goals to care for his mother?
fizkes | Shutterstock Parents spend the first 18 years of their kids’ lives caring for and supporting them in every way they can, but what happens when these parents grow older and need someone to care for them?
Oftentimes, adult children take on the responsibility of helping their parents. However, not everyone is in a position to financially and physically support their aging parents in addition to themselves and their own families, especially given today's economic situation.
A millennial son told his aging mom that he can't support her when she gets older.
The man explained in a Reddit post that his mom lives in Southern California while he and his partner live in the Pacific Northwest. He works as a self-employed freelancer, making anywhere from $40,000 to $80,000 a year.
His mom, who is in her mid-60s, asked if he could accompany her on a business trip to Belgium, as she didn’t feel comfortable navigating the country by herself. He agreed, as long as she could financially support his travel expenses.
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“I don't have the means to eat out every single meal every day, pay for all my own transit … while I miss work,” he wrote. “She was incredibly generous to do all of this but there was a meal that got dark because of a conversation I wanted to have in person with her.”
During a lunch together, he asked about her plans for a will, as she is "in her mid-60s and isn't the healthiest person alive." In the past, she joked about how her kids will have to take care of her when she gets older but he was worried about his ability to do so.
“I had to impress upon her that I moved 1000 miles from home, built up a support system, and started chasing my VERY non-lucrative dreams because I wanted to have a life of my own,” he expressed.
The son candidly informed his mom that he is not prepared to care for her as she ages.
He told her, "I simply don't have the funds or the time to drop everything and move home to take care of you if something debilitating should happen.”
He then added that in the hypothetical scenario in which he did move to her city to support her, he would only qualify for entry-level office jobs and wouldn’t make nearly enough money to adequately cover his bills and expenses in addition to hers.
“There's no way I could afford to pay for all of the necessary care and whatnot making $18/hr at a call center,” he emphasized.
She then suggested he consider securing an office job now and gradually climb the ladder to grow his income.
“I told her that's all well and good, but I'm not going to go get an office job back home today just to prepare for my life as a nurse for her in 10 years,” he argued.
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While he loves his mom, he isn’t willing to set aside his career goals and move to a city where he would struggle to support himself due to the higher cost of living.
“Moving down to SoCal where the rent is higher, I'd have to give up everything and get a job where, maybe in a few years, I'd have enough to support myself if I lived in a cheap apartment with roommates, not even considering that I'd have to pay her rent, pay for myself to live, and pay for her care,” he explained.
Some Reddit users suggested the possibility of his mom moving closer to him instead, but he stated this wouldn’t work either.
“My mom suffers from anxiety, depression, newly found spinal issues, and fibromyalgia,” he wrote. “She would HATE it being cold and rainy 8 months out of the year, so moving up here would be torture to her.”
The man updated his post to mention his brother, who makes “good money” and lives in a four-bedroom house with his two kids. He added that he would be in a much better position to take their mom in.
Several Reddit users related to this man's struggle, sharing that they didn't have the funds or desire to uproot their lives to support their aging parents.
Commenters commended his communication skills in addressing the subject and candidly sharing his valid concerns with his mother.
Ultimately, he doesn't have to divert his entire life, and no one should expect him to. But he should do what he can to offer some support and help his mom live a comfortable and happy life. While the dynamic between him and his mom is unknown, her willingness to pay for his travel expenses and hear him out during their lunch indicates that she cares for him.
Various users with far less healthy parent-child relationships expressed similar challenges with their aging parents’ expectations to care for them. Many identified the toxic trend of parents who failed to support their kids from a young age, relying on them to care for them when they’re older.
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“It's tough when you have to explain to parents that you can't always be their safety net,” someone commented on the post. “Even tougher when they were literally never your safety net, which is the bare … minimum as a parent,” another user added.
While some argued the son exhibited selfishness in his refusal to uproot his life to support his mom, that's not exactly fair. He had a thoughtful conversation with her, expressing his concerns and a desire to find a plan that meets both of their needs and doesn't require him to uproot his entire life.
"The matter of me being unable to help isn't that I don't want to," he clarified. "It's that the logistics behind it do not make any sense at all."
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team based in Orlando, FL. She covers lifestyle, human-interest, adventure, and spirituality topics.