A Dad Lives In A 'Homemade Cave' With Kids For 3 Years While Waiting For Divorce To Be Finalized
Living in a small space has its benefits.
OJO Images, Elena Photo | Canva I stir a simmering soup and watch my five-year-old drill a hole in an agate he found. He tells me it’ll be a necklace. Safety glasses protect him from the spray created by the tiny diamond bit on the end of a Dremel tool.
My daughter peeks over the top of her loft and asks, “How long until dinner, Daddy?
I can hear the plastic grinding from her standing in Legos. I rip off my shirt, and boom, “Five minutes ‘till dinner! Plenty of time to kick your butts! In this corner, weighing in at 155 pounds, Daddy-The Animal-Chin!”
I take the center of The Cave, our basement digs, like a champion fighter claiming the middle of a boxing ring. Jaxen rips off his shirt and safety glasses and charges at me. I scoop him up and body-slam him. The double-padded carpet absorbs the impact and his giggles. Our skin-to-skin contact gives us a jolt of connection and love. Rayden steps to the edge of her loft and launches herself at me like a WWE wrestler flying off the top rope. I catch her and slam her to the ground next to Jaxen.
The Cave in its full glory with the upgraded wrestling mats | All photos courtesy of author
They’re up in an instant on the attack, and I collapse in a controlled roll to the floor. I huff and puff as though I’m building energy like a shaken bottle of soda. Their laughter increases and peaks as I erupt off the carpet, shedding them off my body and grabbing a long foam block to whack them with. They take up arms with their foam weapons.
A foam club swung at high speeds has a satisfying effect on small kids. I take out Jaxen’s legs, and he hits with a thud. There’s no stopping them, and I surrender into a fetal position, allowing them to club me into submission. “Alright! You win! Dinner time!” I say, getting up and giving them bear hugs.
Those were the days of living in The Cave, my basement studio divorce dwelling.
I downsized because rents were high, and not having a house to upkeep was appealing. Also, buying a new place didn’t make sense until the finances were settled. So I went from a 2000 sq/ft house with a beautiful yard to a 600 sq/ft basement with an asphalt parking lot.
Having lived out of my van for long periods in my twenties and taken the kids on extended camping trips in our truck camper, I knew that home is where you make it.
With my skills as a remodeling contractor, I transformed the basement into a little kid’s dream space.
As a former teacher and general science nerd, I found a book called The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland, that influenced my design of the space and reinforced the importance of physical play with them.
The kids were four and six years old when we moved into The Cave. They needed movement, freedom to create, access to safe tools, and most importantly — they required me to be present in their lives. In the small space, I was always there.
With The Cave being one room besides a closet and bathroom, I needed to create private spaces for the kids so they’d have a place to call their own. On the first night, I had access, I lugged my tools and a truckload of wood into The Cave. Powered by energy drinks and a cannabis strain named Bruce Banner, I was The Hulk on a mission to make a new home.
Saw blades spun, dust filled the space, and boxes of screws emptied. When I finished for the night, the birds were singing, and sunlight shone through the egress window facing East. Fueled by the emotional task, that was the last time I pulled an all-nighter.
I remember catching a few hours of sleep that morning and waking up like I was in an alternate reality. Where was I, and what did I do? Was my marriage over, and was I moving into a basement? On the one hand, I was proud and excited for the kids to see their new home; on the other, I was devastated.
The next day, I took the kids to The Cave to tour their double-decker lofts on wheels. They oohed and aahed and approved.
Screen Shot from a GoPro — May 2016, showing the kids The Cave and their lofts for the first time
The lofts would be the centerpieces of The Cave, serving as the kids’ sleeping quarters, Lego depositories, platforms for stage dives onto mattresses, bases for climbing walls, and anchor points for various Ninja apparatuses. With the concrete basement floor, I could roll the lofts and reconfigure them to surprise the kids with new environments.
I covered the concrete floors with double padding and carpet, wrapped the metal poles with padding and duct tape, and hung ropes and rings off a main support beam. After a year, we upgraded to wrestling mats.
A screenshot from a battle royal video with the kids and Big Head, the yellow lab from New Zealand
Having seen pediatric occupational therapy spaces, I believe The Cave was precisely what the kids needed, especially kids going through an emotionally challenging time.
Hanging, jumping, rolling, and wrestling are essential for kids’ emotional and physical wellness. Joints and muscles need to be stretched and used through complete ranges of movement for proper growth. Rough play helps them understand boundaries for themselves and others.
Flying through the air and rolling on the ground produces dopamine and releases natural opioids and oxytocin, the chemicals we need to feel good, also known as love chemicals. Body-to-body and skin-to-skin contact with a loved one gets it flowin’.
Without the flow of these chemicals at an early age, adults can be more prone to addiction issues, anxiety, and depression. The Cave gave us a safe place to rough-play daily at an instant’s notice. Wrestling with my kids hopefully primed their nervous systems for happiness, and it helped me bond with them through the toughest time of my life.
When I moved in, a furniture store near my gym was going out of business. I was still too cheap to buy anything at clearance prices, but I found two heavy-duty carts for sale that I transformed into tinker and tool carts. The kids had access to hot glue guns, a variety of tape, a lightweight drill, saws, hammers, and various hand tools at any time. They took old toys apart, changed batteries on their own, and created sculptures and new toys out of random items by having instant access tools.
Kids need to tinker and use their hands for more than pressing buttons or tapping a screen.
When writing a story about the importance of kids using tools, I found a study showing that surgeons in training lacked the necessary fine motor skills. Also, as a substitute teacher, I’ve witnessed kids in middle school unable to use scissors to cut a shape out. We are in dangerous times with smart devices dumbing us down in many ways.
Jaxen drilling a hole in an agate using a Dremel tool with a diamond bit
The Cave allowed the kids to use tools that may be considered dangerous by some, but as my opening scene showed, the small space allowed me to interact from the kitchen where we parents spend half our lifetime cleaning dishes and cooking. I could toss a ball with them, converse, and watch them tinker with sharp things — all while making dinner.
This dynamic, not being separated by multiple floors, prompted me to buy a small one-story ranch house, which is where we currently live.
Even though times have changed, with the kids being 12 and 14 now and spending more time on screens than I’d like, they are comfortable using a chop saw and various other power tools. Rayden has a knack for blacksmithing, and Jaxen has built a computer from parts. I attribute much of this to our time in The Cave.
It’s hard to believe we lived in The Cave for 3.5 years and have been in our current house for longer than that. We moved to a new place at the beginning of 2020, just in time to weather the pandemic. We’ll never forget The Cave!
Ryan Chin is a Dad, author, remodel contractor, and substitute teacher. He's the author of two books, has written award-winning essays, and has been featured in several anthologies, The Good Men Project, and Medium.