Man Frustrated That His Wife ‘Unloaded’ Their Baby & Chores On Him During His Time Off From Work — ‘I Can’t Do This Much Longer’
"She saw it as vacation days for herself despite a very clear conversation about why I needed this time."
Ulza / Shutterstock When a man became burnt out with work and home life, he decided to take emergency time off to decompress and pull himself together. However, his plans to recover were soiled when his wife expected him to manage all childcare and household responsibilities while she spent the days getting a manicure, grabbing coffee with friends, and hanging out with her family.
Now, the man feels as if he has reached his breaking point and is having trouble communicating to his wife why he deserves a break too.
The man got candid about his wife 'unloading' the baby and chores on him during his time off work.
Sharing his frustrations on the subreddit, r/TrueOffMyChest, the 35-year-old man revealed that life has been especially overwhelming since the birth of his daughter back in January.
“My wife does not work and the 'dream' we have always worked toward was that she could be a SAHM [stay-at-home mom]. Keeping the house, looking after our child, and creating a lovely environment for us to live in,” the man wrote.
The man recently returned from paternity leave, and work has been especially stressful for him.
“We lost a key member of staff at a critical time and several projects are on the verge of failure,” he shared.
Every Monday through Friday for the last three months, the man has been waking up at 5 AM with his daughter, getting her fed, changing her diaper, and spending time with her until his wife wakes up a little after 8 AM. Once his wife takes over baby duty, the man showers has breakfast, and goes into his office to log on for the day since he works from home.
At around noon, the man usually has time to grab a quick snack, do some laundry, empty the dishwasher, make sure there’s stuff in the house to cook for dinner, and spend time with his daughter before heading back to work.
Drazen Zigic / Shutterstock
At 5 PM, the man logs off work for a couple of hours to make dinner (or go to the store if there is nothing to cook). After dinner, he takes over baby duty and gets his daughter fed and bathed before putting her to bed. At around 8 PM, the man logs back onto work to wrap things up before going to bed around 11 PM before waking up and doing it all over again.
“Saturdays and Sundays I still get up at 5 AM with our daughter and my wife sleeps as late as she can. We share baby duties and I take care of bigger chores (DIY, Garden maintenance etc.),” the man wrote.
However, he admitted that the usual schedule is becoming too much for him to manage and that he is in desperate need of some rest.
“I have lost so much weight from the stress and exhaustion, my wife says I look like a zombie, I can barely convince myself to get out of bed,” the man wrote. “We have had several conversations about changes that can be made but the outcome is always that this is just how it has to be until the work crisis calms down. I am not in a position to be looking for another job at this time.”
One day, the man reached the verge of a mental breakdown and took two days off of work to collect himself and get a much-needed break.
Unfortunately, the man’s wife saw his vacation as her own opportunity to have one.
“All of a sudden she has plans, she is getting her nails done, going for coffee, has gardening things that simply cannot wait,” the man wrote.
While his wife was out doing all of her self-care, she left him in charge of the baby and expected him to keep up with all of the household chores.
Dusan Petkovic / Shutterstock
“When she came home, she had bought things for the nursery that had to be built and put in place that afternoon for some unknown reason. I didn't do it and that in itself caused an argument.”
The man confessed that he nearly broke down in tears due to his wife’s treatment of him, but simply did not have the energy to fight with her. Now, he cannot help but feel severely underappreciated by his wife.
“I do everything I can with every minute I have to support her and our daughter. My days are often 20 hours long with barely a minute to myself,” the man wrote. “I asked for two days that should be treated as if I am at work to avoid a serious health problem and she saw it as vacation days for herself despite a very clear conversation about why I needed this time.”
The man confessed that he is unsure if he will be able to continue going on like this and that things need to change soon.
People encouraged the man to communicate with his wife just how necessary a break from both work and home responsibilities is.
They believed that the man had far too much on his plate and that his wife needed to start pulling her weight.
“For a SAHM your wife doesn’t seem like she’s doing her share if you’re doing laundry on a half-hour break and making dinner every night. It’s pretty sad that your wife has noticed the toll this is taking on you but hasn’t offered to do more,” another user wrote.
“My cousin’s husband did end up having a mental breakdown and ended up in the hospital after the birth of their child. Between the stress of the baby having some health issues and stress at work, it all became too much,” another user shared. “Please take care of yourself. Tell your wife that if she doesn’t ask her family for help then you will. You’re essentially working 2+ full-time jobs right now and that’s not okay.”
Others urged the man to go to a hotel or a coffee shop while he works to force his wife to start doing more of her fair share and so that he could get more rest.
The man is not the only new dad feeling especially overwhelmed going back to work while balancing fatherhood.
Amy Beacom, founder of the Centre for Parental Leave Leadership, provides coaching and advice to new dads returning back to work after paternity leave. According to Beacom, most fathers feel an extraordinary amount of pressure to not only bring home the paycheck to support their families but also be a present and attentive father figure while balancing work life.
"Now they are expected to be at home too and their stress levels are rising, their postpartum depression levels are rising, and their anxiety is rising. That has very real effects in the workplace," Beacom told BBC News.
Her U.S.-based organization is pushing more companies to conduct mental health screenings for both working moms and dads during the prenatal period, which goes from pregnancy until one year after birth.
Rawpixel.com / Shutterstock
New parents can easily suffer from burnout in the workplace, which in turn, worsens their own mental health and overall workplace performance. It is essential to check in on new fathers as they return back to work and adjust to their new normal. They are expected to be the ones to hold it all together when they could be crumbling behind the scenes.
This does not mean that moms don’t need a break as well! Being a full-time parent is a job within itself, and perhaps one of the most difficult ones.
However, both parents must communicate with each other if one of them is feeling particularly overwhelmed and needs a break so that they can work out a fair schedule.
While people often talk about how much mothers have on their plates (and they most certainly do!) we tend to dismiss a new dad’s experience and how he can easily feel flooded by everything he has to manage.
So if you happen to know a new dad who is back at work to financially provide for his family, tell him that he is doing a good job, give him a hug, and make sure he is taking some time for himself to take it all in.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.