Man Seeks Advice After Learning That His Niece Is Engaged To His Biological Son
A 20-year-old affair led to an inadvertently incestuous engagement.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Every family has their secrets — and if you think your family is exempt, then you're just not in on them! Still, some families have bigger skeletons in the closet than others.
A man with a major secret wrote to Slate's "Dear Prudence" column seeking advice. He recently learned that his niece is unknowingly engaged to her cousin, and is wondering how to handle the situation.
He discovered his niece is engaged to his biological son.
"Over 20 years ago I had an affair with a married woman who became pregnant with my child," the unnamed man confessed. "She reconciled with her husband and they raised the boy as their own." He has not had any contact with his biological son and no one else in his family is even aware of his existence.
"Two weeks ago I found out my niece (my sister’s daughter) is engaged, and the groom to be is none other than my biological son," he wrote. "I am livid that my son’s mother and her husband did not stop this relationship in its early stages."
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The bride-to-be's mother claimed that she was unaware of the incestuous situation since his niece has a different last name than him. However, now that she knows, she has no plans to stop the wedding or inform the engaged couple about their true relationship. "According to her, cousin marriage is harmless," he said.
"How do I bring this up with my niece and her parents?" the man questioned. "I have never had any contact with my son and I don’t think I should approach him about it. He doesn’t know his father is not his biological father."
"I don’t want my niece to live in incest because of my past mistake," he added. "Please help."
Surprisingly, the columnist advised the man to let the marriage proceed without interference.
The columnist, Emily Yoffe, advised the man to keep the secret to himself, as revealing the truth about his son’s biological father would likely unravel both families.
"If you think this through, explaining all this will entirely upend his family, and now yours," she wrote. "At this late date in the wedding planning, you can understand that the parents want to stick with their original plan to keep quiet about [the groom's] biology."
"I do think that people are entitled to know their origins and keeping these secrets has the potential for blowing up, as you are now seeing," she continued. "But as it stands, only three people know you’re the biological father of the boy, and while it may take all your will power, I think it should remain that way."
She noted that marriage between cousins is more common than you may assume. Research from 2009 asserted that 10% of the world's families are headed by couples who are second cousins or closer — more than 750 million people.
"Two young people are in love and planning to make a life together," she concluded. "I think you should let that be."
Still, an argument can certainly be made to inform the soon-to-be-married couple.
The bride and groom deserve to have all of the available information to make an informed decision about their futures. Secrets always have a way of being revealed and it may be worse if the groom learns of his true parentage after the couple is already wed.
Imagine the pair does ancestry or genetic testing in the future. While telling the couple about their relationship now may disrupt their families, it could be even more heartbreaking if they discover the truth down the line — and learn that their family lied to them about it.
Furthermore, marriage between first cousins, while common in parts of the world, is fully prohibited in 24 states and a criminal offense in eight.
When cousins reproduce, there is also an elevated risk of passing on genetic disorders, including congenital heart diseases, renal diseases, and rare blood disorders. Research shows that a child of first cousins carries a 6% chance of inheriting a recessive disorder, compared to 3% for the general population.
Reporting on the study, the BBC further noted that children of first cousins have an increased probability of being diagnosed with a speech and language problem, and statistically have more primary care appointments than children whose parents are not related.
While the increased risk of genetic disorders is small, it's not inconsequential. The couple deserves to have all of the information before deciding to get married, and especially before having kids.
Erika Ryan is a writer working on her bachelor's degree in Journalism. She is based in Florida and covers relationships, psychology, self-help, and human interest topics.