12 Lies People Tell Themselves Before Actually Becoming Parents
Debunking the myths of pre-parenthood.
Gustavo Fring | Pexels While it’s true anyone can make a baby, surviving the challenges of infancy and toddlerhood is enough to make a good person crack. I know, I’ve been there. We all hear copious amounts of advice about how to be a great parent and let's be honest, most of it isn't just unrealistic.
Maybe it’s rooted in a good place, but the difference between talking about being a great parent and being one can be miles apart. When I think about the advice I heard and the ideal promises I once swore to keep, here’s how far apart those two ended up.
Here are 13 lies people tell themselves before actually becoming parents:
1. I’ll never let my kid watch TV, I’ll never parent by iPad
The reality: Sometimes, the only way you can get anything done is if your kid is occupied. The iPad will keep one kid busy while you put the other one down. TV can be your best friend at dinnertime. Don’t be ashamed of it, at least you get to eat.
2. My husband and I will share the work equally when the baby comes along
The reality: You’re the only one with boobs, so if you’re breastfeeding, he’s not helping. That means you’re up every three hours for months. Sorry, Mom, that’s just how it goes.
For the rest of it, not all men intuitively step up. They’re not bad guys; some of them have no idea what to do.
Don’t complain about it, fix it. Tell him what to do, and don’t gripe if it’s not done your way.
3. I’m only going to breastfeed
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The reality: This is a noble wish and one I shared. But the reality is sometimes there’s no milk. Sometimes, you need to sleep. Sometimes, the can of magic powder is a godsend to quiet the baby and keep everyone sane. Don’t reject it before you’ve tried it. But remember, after months of no REM sleep, you’ll try anything.
Author and mother of three Elizabeth Broadbent shared her experience, "Oh, you sleep. If you co-sleep, you sleep as much as any person with a baby possibly can (i.e. a lot). But you're constantly half-woken by a tiny person demanding to switch sides. This pattern of half-waking can make you insanely covetous of the days when you slept without touching another person, for hours on end. If you don't co-sleep, you're awake all the time and probably exist in a delirious state of sleep deprivation."
4. I don’t need help! Lots of mothers did it before me without extra help, so I'll be fine
The reality: If you’re a martyr or victim, this is true. But it’s patently false that women had no help. We're just taking a long time to realize that pro-women cultures had it easier when it came to raising kids. It takes a village. Don’t forget that.
5. It won’t take long to get my body back into shape
The reality: That pouchy belly is there to stay unless you fight hard against it. Don’t torture yourself into believing that you can go back to a flat belly in three months. It took nine months to get this way, so it'll take at least that to lose it, as supported by a study in the Maternal and Child Health Journal.
6. I’m going to continue without caffeine, I’ve gone 9 months without it, and I’m sure it will be fine
The reality: Coffee is a mom's best friend. So are tea, sugar, and the occasional five-hour energy drink. The reality is once you’re back to work, you have to function. A little coffee won’t hurt, but falling asleep at the wheel will.
7. I’ll nap when the kid naps
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The reality: Good luck with this one. On occasion, you’ll do this. The rest of the time, you’ll pay bills, work, clean your house, do your laundry, catch up with your husband, wife, other kids, even yourself, and do anything on your mountain of things you stopped doing when you became a parent.
8. I’ll never take my baby out to a restaurant, I hate when kids cry and ruin it for everyone else
The reality: Sometimes, the only chance you have at a normal life is by going out. You take off your yoga/baby pants and force yourself to be in the world. It’s healthy, and as long as you pick a somewhat noisy place, no one will care. As long as you don’t.
9. Sleep is overrated
The reality: After your baby is born, you'll never want anything more in your life than sleep. You will trade favors for it, beg for it, and eventually, your body will fall asleep on its own whenever it can. Don’t be surprised if you fall asleep while putting the baby down, in the middle of the afternoon, while nursing, at church, or over a holiday meal. Your body has to sleep, and one way or another, it will.
10. I’m sure I’ll be ready to go back to work after three months
The reality: Part of you will be ready, and the rest will be sad. It’s hard to leave your little one to go to the office. Don’t be surprised if you question this decision, worry you’re neglecting your kid, or feel like a bad parent. You’re not. This is just part of our modern life, and we have to get through it. You’re not alone, we all hate this part. Even those of us who love our jobs.
Working mom and writer Kerala Taylor explained how going back to work went for her. "When I returned to work 10 weeks after giving birth to my first child, I did all the things. I made casseroles on the weekend to freeze. I jogged with a stroller. I breastfed and pumped. I went to the farmer’s market on Sundays. I never left the house without nutritious snacks — watermelon cut in triangles, hummus, rice crackers. I left home at 7 a.m., biked 12 miles to work, and returned 11 hours later. I strapped on my baby and set to work on dinner. It worked. For a time. Sort of."
11. Having two shouldn’t be a problem, there’s one for each of us
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The reality: Come on now, this is just naïve. Having two is like being shot out of a cannon every day. It’s exhilarating, but you’re barely keeping afloat. You'll feel overwhelmed, and you will be fine. But it’s not two versus two like in a competition, especially not in the beginning.
As mother of twins, Rachel Brehm pointed out, "Have you ever tried to comfort two crying babies at the same time? It sucks. Your lap isn't big enough, and you need at least two more arms. Luckily, if you sit on the floor, you can probably comfort both of them for a few fleeting seconds before they start pushing each other off your lap."
12. Two in diapers is best, that way, we get it all over with at once
The reality: Who knows if this is true or not? Having two is hard, so whether you have years in between or you have Irish twins, what you have is a big challenge on your hands to conquer. You get to pick the way you want to take your medicine: all at once or in separate doses. Think about it.
Melanie Gorman, MA, is a writer and business coach who holds a Masters degree in counseling psychology.