6 Deep Lessons Every Parent Of An Autistic Child Eventually Learns
With the right parenting tips and mind hacks, you're be able to help not only your child, but also yourself.
elenavagengeim | Canva Parents of children diagnosed with autism can experience higher levels of stress, psychiatric issues, and poorer health than parents of neurotypical children.
So, every time a new study is published that indicates that the autism prevalence rate has increased again, it also implies there are more and more parents struggling with the identity of being a special needs parent, spouse, employee, family member, friend, etc.
In other words, nothing else in life stops because their child has an autism diagnosis. If anything, life demands more when it comes to parenting.
I know this because I am the parent of 11-year-old twin boys with autism, too. And I have a 2-year-old neurotypical daughter who’s too young to understand this yet. But someday she will. And we will ensure she has a healthy awareness and acceptance of autism and autistic kids.
Stress, irritability, sadness, anxiety, depression? Yep, I have experienced it all, and it could easily be a case study for someone wanting to learn more about autism and its effects on parents. But make no mistake, I love autism, I love my children, and I love the parent I’ve become. I also love the life I have because I have learned to have more good days than not-so-good days.
And you, too, will be able to navigate this journey of autism caregiving successfully.
Here are six lessons every parent of an autistic child learns:
1. You are becoming an expert on autism one day at a time.
You don’t need a college degree or someone with a college degree in psychology or behavioral analysis to tell you about your child’s autism. Initially, it’s nice to hear the information and resources, but you live with autism every day. Autism is family to you just like your child.
No one else can tell you what autism is or isn’t in your child, nor what your child can and cannot do as a result of autism. What you have is more than many students and experts in the field will be able to acquire in their lifetime.
You have experience working towards an honorary Ph.D. in autism with your child as the professor, department chair, and dean.
Who better to teach you about their autism than them?
2. Your child is part autism and part everything else you raise them to be.
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It becomes easy to adopt the mentality that you’ve lost your child to autism. Even easier is adopting the belief that you have to find a "cure" to recover your child from autism somehow, as if they have been diagnosed with the flu.
Your child is still your child. And their autism is only a portion of who they are and never the totality.
If all you see is autism and an autistic kid, that says more about where you are emotionally and mentally than where they are. And that’s normal, initially.
Children with autism are very capable of whatever you want to see them become. Adjusting to your expectations and timeline is usually the most significant adjustment.
3. Autism doesn’t define you.
Just like autism does not define your child, it should not define you and your parenting skills either.
Sure, life is demanding and nonstop. But that’s true for parents of any kids. You will learn to become better focused in many ways. Or simply put, you will learn how to make the main thing the main thing.
Just because you’re an autism parent doesn’t mean you have to call yourself that. It’s the same as identifying yourself as a "typical child" parent. No one does that! But it is OK to address it when necessary.
4. You have permission to enjoy life by a separate set of rules.
It’s easy to become sad when you compare your and your child’s life to others. You begin to feel less than or like life is unfair because you don’t have an opportunity to live life like others.
A cool part about autism is that it does not have to conform to society’s standards. That means your life as a parent does not always have to conform. You can say no to the company’s family picnic with co-workers you barely like because you can spend that time better.
Whether professionally, socially (i.e., friends, family, spouse, dating), medically, spiritually, politically, or financially, you can live outside the box of what "normal" is and create your a sense of normalcy.
Why be an average parent when you can be exceptional?
5. You did nothing wrong.
I don’t care what studies you read; there’s always a hint that you could have done something differently.
For example, you vaccinated your child, you had exposure to pesticides, you had children too late, you didn’t read to your child enough, you didn’t do enough tummy time, or you passed it on genetically.
This list could go on and on. You did nothing wrong, you are not a bad parent, and you have a lot of love to give.
Consider the following scripture from Exodus 4:11:
Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord?
You didn’t do this to your child. In fact, according to this scripture, autism is not a flaw; it’s a different design of humans that God created for his own purpose.
Check out what John 9:1-3 has to say:
As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.
6. You are the chosen one.
No child is born to a parent as a source of punishment. There’s a saying that goes, "Children are a gift from God." For some divine reason, He chose you to be an advocate, nurturer, and protector for this child’s mind, body, and spirit here on Earth.
This child could have been born to anyone else, but something unique about you makes parenting this child, even more uniquely designed by Him, your particular assignment in life. Often in our careers, a specific assignment is accompanied by more benefits, more pay, or some special promotion that is later to come without us knowing in advance.
You have been given unique talents earlier in life for this occasion. Now is the time to display them.
Autism parenting is not easy. And, in many cases, it can challenge everything you believe about your faith, family, friends, and yourself. But this is what makes us stronger in life anyway.
Just like the muscle fibers of bodybuilders tearing for them to grow larger, your original thinking about your and your child’s life must also be torn a bit. The more you work these beliefs into your daily living with autism, the stronger you will become as a parent, spouse, advocate, and overall person.
Dr. Eric A. Williams is a counselor and marriage and family therapist, specializing in both interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships.