The Common Present We Gift Little Girls That Teaches Them To Be Silent
Who are we protecting — them or ourselves?
The Faces via Shutterstock | Desain Kireina via Canva, Cesar Okada via Getty Images We all want our little girls to succeed and feel fulfilled in whatever they choose to do. But, there are unconscious actions we take that can have the opposite effect on our daughters and granddaughters — teaching them to be quiet
As parents, you might be gifting your child one thing that prevents them from fully expressing themselves. So, what is it?
On the Open Relationship: Transforming Together podcast, host Andrea Miller sat down with writer Rebecca Woolf to discuss the common gift we give young girls that teaches them to be silent: The locked diary.
What we teach girls when we give them a locked diary
It seems like most little girls are given a diary so they have a place to write their feelings and then lock them up. After all, we probably wrote down all of our thoughts and feelings and then locked them away. It was a place where we could confess our deepest darkest secrets.
"It occurred to me," Woolf, mom to four children, told the hosts, "that the locked diary was not there to protect me. It was there to protect everybody else."
As parents or other adults in the lives of girls, we must ask ourselves, "Who is this for? What is the goal here? Why are our little girls being taught to hide themselves away?"
Likely you're thinking that this isn't a big deal. These are little girls, what feelings are they truly writing in there ... and don't we all need a place to vent?" And you're not wrong. But without proper context and empowerment, what do you think this gift translates into as they get older?
Woolf explains that it teaches them, "...to be secretive, to be quiet, to be silent. If you need to write something down, great. Just lock it away in a diary. Keep it here. Keep it inside."
This is dangerous as it can lead to your daughter not coming to you when it matters most. Keeping everything bottled in this small diary, they might distance themselves as they realize their feelings are meant to be expressed so they can find support and guidance.
Over the years, this turns into a dangerous cycle, possibly leading to generational trauma where no one can express their emotions. Why? Because they were taught to be ashamed of them. To lock them away.
Miller says, "It's like these are norms that are handed down and a lot like generational trauma." She continues, "It takes a lot a very strong will and a lot of intention to say, okay, it stops with me.".
So, whether you have a sister, daughter, or niece, encourage them to express their feelings in the open. Let them know that their feelings matter and are valid. But, most importantly, make sure they understand that you are a person they can go to when things get tough. And doing this instead of encouraging secrecy, will only strengthen your emotional bond in the long run.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.