My Estranged Daughter's Birthday Made Me Realize How Much I Messed Up
“The more I reflect, the more I realize how badly I messed up. I’m spiraling.”
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock A 58-year-old mom shared the details of her decades-long tumultuous relationship with her 21-year-old estranged daughter.
Despite struggling for years to reflect on her behavior as a parent, she admitted that this birthday — the first where she’s been completely “no contact” — was a wake-up call.
Her estranged daughter's birthday made her realize how much she messed up.
"My estranged daughter turned 21 last week and I've been an absolute wreck," she wrote.
The woman explained that their "rocky relationship" began when her daughter was in high school, and her grades began to slip.
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The mom and her ex-husband pulled their daughter out of dance and other hobbies she enjoyed, hoping to “punish” her for falling behind in school and motivate her to put in more effort. However, she admitted this only built resentment and started a bad cycle in which her daughter's grades kept dropping, and they kept taking more things away.
"When it was clear that the problems were stemming from something else, we put her in therapy, and she seemed to be doing a bit better," the mom continued. Yet, in the very next paragraph, she admitted that she refused to follow the therapist's advice.
"Her therapist at the time said that taking her out of dance class and punishing her if we caught her doing her hobbies wasn't helping her and we had to do some digging to get to the root of the problem because her grades were just a symptom of it," she wrote.
"I won't lie, I thought this therapist was full of it because I thought my daughter shouldn't be rewarded for flunking school."
Although she didn't want to listen to the therapist's suggestions, her ex-husband did and gave their daughter her privileges back.
The daughter soon began distancing herself from her mom.
The pair fought constantly throughout her daughter's time in high school, including periods of “no contact” time where her daughter would live at her ex-husband’s home
During the pandemic, things began to look up. Her daughter attended a "private school for troubled teens" where she "seemed to thrive" and even graduated a month early.
Proud of her daughter, this mom booked a celebratory photo shoot, something that was a tradition within her family.
"My daughter had recently started not to like having her picture taken but after some discussion, she agreed to do this for me," she wrote. "I was ecstatic to have this special moment."
However, after the photo shoot, the woman learned that her daughter had given her ex-husband’s family access to the photos — who bought several and hung them up in their homes. Upset that their “special moment” of reconciliation was shared with others, this mom was “devastated” and offered to “buy them back” from her ex-husband.
This seemed to be the final straw within their relationship. The mother-daughter pair fought about the photos and ultimately stopped talking.
When her daughter reached out to wish her a happy Mother's Day, the woman was unwilling to talk.
"My daughter called to wish me a happy Mother's Day. It didn't make me feel better," she admitted. "I told her that I was still hurt and didn't really want to hear from her unless it was important or an apology for going behind my back. I regret this but I told her my day was ruined [by] her call."
Her daughter took this to heart, and the pair didn't speak again until the mom informed her that her childhood dog was being put down. They were civil for one meeting, but a week later, her daughter came by her house to retrieve some of her old belongings, and once again, things ended in a fight.
"We got into another argument and she didn't pull any punches," the mom recounted. "She brought up events I had completely forgotten until she mentioned it and things that I don't remember happening in the slightest. She didn't just kick up dust, she jackhammered the road. She went that far back. She said I was a horrible mother."
As therapist @momtherapistlife on TikTok pointed out, just because an estranged child continues “bringing up” old arguments and situations doesn’t mean they’re holding a grudge — they’re likely yearning for clarity, validation, and an apology.
“It's not toxic behavior if the child is continuing to bring it up because it's still unresolved to them. It's still raw to them,” she explained. “They need more clarity so that they [can] get to a place of forgiveness.”
"It's not just saying, 'I'm sorry that I hurt you.' It's 'I'm sorry that I hurt you because I did X, Y, and Z and I shouldn't have done that,'" she clarified. "It's not necessarily that they want you to apologize for the rest of your life but to take accountability and apologize and recognize why you did what you did and what you did was wrong and then to be able to move forward and make amends."
The mom should take accountability if she wants to mend the relationship with her adult daughter.
In response to her daughter's complaints, the woman defended her actions, arguing she tried her best, did what she thought was right, and is healing from her own trauma. While that may be true, some accountability would likely go a long way with her daughter.
Her daughter was unimpressed by her response and told her mom never to contact her again.
"I was so dumbfounded by her words I lost myself. I didn't think she believed I would do something so monstrous," she wrote. "I started wailing so loud that it's a miracle I didn't wake my neighbors. That's when she drove away in her car, and I haven't heard from her since."
Now, it's her daughter's 21st birthday, and she is devastated to miss such a milestone.
Despite this woman's evident regret and love for her daughter, she has yet to take accountability.
"In some ways, there appears to be some real regret here," one person wrote," but it is also full of denial and justification of your failures."
"You keep repeating 'I know I messed up.....BUT,'" another pointed out. "It's the 'BUT' that erases the 'I know I messed up.'"
Sadly, until this woman takes accountability for her actions — without any "buts" or justifications — her relationship with her daughter will likely remain damaged. If she truly wants to be a part of her child's life, she must acknowledge her wrongdoings, listen to her daughter's complaints, show empathy, take responsibility, and be willing to change.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories