Daughter Who Went 'No Contact' With Her Dad 17 Years Ago Wants To Talk Now — But He Only Feels 'Indifference'
"After we caught up on life, I told her that I did not care about her or her daughter."
Branislav Nenin / Shutterstock.com After having a “no contact” relationship with his daughter for almost two decades — living completely separate lives, grieving the loss of their connection, and trying to move on — a father on Reddit admitted he felt conflicted when she reached out recently.
The dad admitted he was ‘indifferent’ towards his daughter, who reached out after 17 years of no contact.
Their relationship is undoubtedly complicated, becoming nonexistent after his divorce, though they were incredibly close during her childhood.
Grieving the loss of his own parents and, more recently, the tragic passing of his brother, the call from his adult daughter came as a complete surprise. However, when she reached out, it became apparent that during their time apart, his fatherly love transformed into something completely different — “indifference.”
His teenage daughter initially decided to go ‘no contact’ with her dad after he had an affair with a co-worker and divorced his ex-wife.
After a platonic relationship with a co-worker evolved into a romantic affair, the Reddit man admitted the “biggest regret” of his life was turning his back on his marriage and family in hopes of “saving” this woman from her own toxic marriage.
“[My co-worker] was in a violent and physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there,” he wrote. “She got ‘an out’ from me … to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere, and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad [she got out of] her abusive relationship and that she was safe.”
When his wife at the time found out about his affair, he admitted their home dynamic went “expectedly” sour — she not only lashed out at him but said “horrible things” about him to their 15-year-old daughter.
"I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever," he wrote. "That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day."
Andrew Angelov / Shutterstock.com
After the first year, he continued to reach out to connect with his daughter, but she held her “no contact” promises.
“I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex-wife married a great guy,” he added. “I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex-wife and my ex-wife would advise our daughter to at least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened.”
The years since have been difficult, especially considering his own mental health struggles in recent years following the passing of his parents and siblings. "I am at peace now," he said, "but still have some aching sadness."
Over 17 years later, his now-adult daughter reached out, asking him to reconnect, meet her daughter, and rekindle their relationship — but he refused.
“I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything,” he admitted of his daughter’s recent phone call. “No happiness, no sadness, just indifference."
"She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me," he continued. "She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything."
"After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again," he confessed. "I then hung up."
With two decades of sadness, grief, and resentment leading to this phone call, it was impossible to come to terms with rekindling their relationship at that moment. But, when he woke up the next day to thousands of comments on his Reddit post labeling him as in the wrong, he couldn’t help but feel guilty for his response.
In an update on his post, he revealed that he later called his daughter and apologized, inviting her, her husband, and their daughter to come visit. “She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted.”
While every situation is inherently unique, and, for some, maintaining “no contact” is an important and necessary choice, it’s never too late to change your mind.
Whether you’re healing from your old choices and relationships or starting completely over, opening your heart and mind to a new connection — with someone who’s likely changed over the years — isn’t a “loss.”
You’re not “losing” any kind of battle or softening your boundaries by reconsidering a connection with someone who’s hurt you in the past. People heal, people change, and people can show up better in relationships now than they did in the past.
For this father and his adult daughter, almost two decades of sadness, resentment, and pure grief have plagued their relationship — even when they weren’t speaking to each other. To rekindle and build a new relationship is a gift many people miss out on.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.