Daughter Refuses To Give Her Elderly Mom Any Money Because Of Her ‘Bad Life Choices’
“Who’s going to help me with all of my bills when I’m 80?”
fizkes | Shutterstock When money and family mix, things always get messy. Such is the case for a woman on Reddit who has hit her breaking point with her elderly mother’s financial situation — specifically, being constantly asked for money.
The Connecticut-based woman explained that she's fallen into the unfortunate habit of giving her elderly mother, who lives in a Florida assisted living center, money whenever she asks for it. The requests are endless, from helping with bills to putting gas in her car.
However, after checking her mother's bank accounts, she realized it wasn’t essentials that her mom was purchasing with the borrowed money — she was shopping constantly, dining out, and ordering lots of fast food.
The adult daughter doesn't want to give her elderly mom any more money, arguing her ‘bad life choices’ have made her poor.
"I got a call yesterday from my Mom asking me for money, yet again," the 52-year-old woman admitted in her Reddit post.
“She is 80,” she continued, “I am her only child. I have no kids and am in a long-term relationship. I work full time and I make a decent living. She is widowed. We have no other family."
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Earlier this year, her mother's sister passed away, leaving her $3000, which she went through in under two months. Though she claimed to have spent the cash repairing her car, her daughter knows the truth.
"I have access to her checking account, which she gave me," she revealed. "She shopped A LOT, ate out, bought fast food, and maybe the one decent thing she did was pay for a new charger, about $250, for her hearing aids."
Her daughter decided it was past time she set a boundary with her mother about money.
"She is widowed and has no savings, no pension, no 401K, and an old car that is about to bite the dust," the woman admitted. "I have given her money a few times and [sent] a few items here and there via Amazon, but I am tired of being gaslit. I sent her $200 and I told her that's all I have and that she needs to STOP spending money."
When she confronted her mother about the unnecessary spending, she got defensive. When she suggested getting rid of her costly car, she claimed it was "her ‘way out’ of the assisted living place she hates.”
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As her mother is clearly unwilling to help herself, she is unsure of what to do. She’s concerned about the future of their relationship but reluctant to jeopardize her savings further.
"I don't want her to suffer with having zero funds, but she put herself in this situation," the woman added. "Yes, I am grateful that I make decent money but I need to keep a roof over my own head. Who's going to help me with my bills when I am 80?"
As many low-income families have experienced, this kind of “money stress” and uncomfortable financial conversations can truly harm relationships, building resentment and anxiety in ways that drive disconnect. So, how can this woman move forward to support her mother while also protecting herself and her financial boundaries?
Commenters suggested this woman’s elderly mom has ‘a spending addiction’ that needs to be addressed with an intervention.
While many Reddit users suggested the root of the elderly mother’s spending problem is loneliness — living in an assisted living facility, in a different state from her family, with little money — she wasn't shy about disputing that theory.
“Everything is more expensive in CT,” she wrote, adding that when her mother “was happily married, had money, and an active social life, she still spent it [irresponsibly].”
So, while seemingly “irrational and irresponsible” spending can often be a signal of loneliness or insecurity, she’s concluded, with the help of other Reddit users, that her elderly mother has an addiction to spending money.
Just like any other addiction, this woman’s compulsive spending and shopping triggers temporary joy and likely helps her cope and mask feelings of anxiety, depression, or even boredom. While it might’ve started when she was in a stable place, it’s only exacerbated now that she’s coping with more intense emotions and traumas.
“Now that she’s widowed and has zero money left, [her addiction] is exposed,” the woman continued. “I’m going to have to have a tough conversation."
fizkes | Shutterstock
Of course, she doesn’t “owe” her mom any kind of financial support simply because of their relationship, but many online still empathized with her desire to help her mother and her guilt about not doing so. Some suggested they budget together or that she give her mom a monthly allowance.
“Try giving her a prepaid card or budgeting with her,” one commenter suggested. “Once that money is gone for the month, she’s done. If there’s big ticket things — bills, groceries, etc — she needs, just pay those up front.”
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.