Dad Says He Feels 'Useless' As A Father To His 1-Year-Old Son — 'I Can't Calm Him Down'
Infants tend to have a preference for their moms in the early years of their lives.
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock Early parenthood can be a challenging adjustment for both moms and dads.
While some parents claim to feel an instant bond with their babies the moment they’re born, others might have a more difficult time fostering that connection in the beginning. This is the reality for many, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Fathers often struggle in the early years of their little ones' lives, and the source of that disconnect comes from the simple fact that babies need their moms for their basic needs in a way that can make dads feel a bit useless.
One dad took to Reddit to open up about struggling to connect with his 1-year-old son.
In the r/parenting forum, the first-time father shared some of the challenges he has encountered since his son was born.
“At times I feel useless as a father,” he wrote in his post. “I can't calm him down, I have trouble putting him to sleep, when I try to play with him he's happy for a couple of minutes, after that he gets annoyed with me.”
He shared how he is helping his wife the best way he can, but she seems to have had an easier time connecting with their son.
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“I don't know what to do,” he said. “I try to be a good father but it's heartbreaking when I try to calm him down for over 15 minutes when he's screaming his lungs out and I can't, but when my wife comes he calms down in a couple of seconds.”
He recognized that babies tend to have a preference for their moms initially. However, he asked the Reddit community if anyone else could relate to still struggling to connect with their babies after a year.
It's not uncommon for babies to have a strong preference for their moms and additionally experience separation anxiety when away from her. This is because babies are already much more familiar with their moms due to their time spent in the womb.
Reddit users assured the dad this phase is temporary and to focus on being there for his wife.
“Try supporting your wife in other ways,” one mom commented on the post. “Washing bottles or pump parts, making sure baby’s laundry is done, help get her things ready for work, general house cleaning.”
“Don’t ask what she wants you to do, just do the things,” she added. “I find it very frustrating to have the baby glued to me at times and then still have to do those things on top of it all. Just remember it’s all a phase and won't last forever! You’re doing a great job!”
Others related to the dad's pain, agreeing that it hurts to watch their child squirm and struggle to calm down in their arms because the baby only wants their mom, but they still find other ways to connect.
"I found that having a regular time of day where it's just us playing definitely helped," someone commented. "I feel she rejects me less often now, and will often thrust her open arms at me when she bumps her head or gets scared while playing, at any time of day. She still looks for Mom when it is time to sleep or when she's hungry, but I found this space of her life where I can fit and that's comforting."
Reddit users also explained that babies will grow up to have different forms of connection with their parents that are equally as significant.
"My daughter was clingy with me when she was needy, too," another mom shared. "She and I have a deep bond for sure but she’s definitely a daddy’s girl at 4 now. I tell my husband I’m her calm and he’s her fun. They have a different but very loving bond."
Be patient and trust the process of connecting with your baby as they get older.
According to research, an infant is naturally drawn to their mom’s maternal scent, voice, and familiarity because she is the primary caregiver. This attachment begins during the third trimester of pregnancy and can last up to a few years.
But it doesn't mean the baby is incapable of connecting with their dad — it will just take time and patience for that connection to develop and strengthen.
Babies are still navigating the world and their surroundings in the early years of their lives. While their mom may be the only individual who can console them in the beginning, as they start to grow and understand who they are and where they come from, the connection will naturally fall into place.
The dad seems to be on the right track in being as supportive as he can be for his wife and baby. As long as he continues to make an effort to connect with his son, no matter how challenging, they will gradually develop a stronger bond.
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team based in Orlando, FL. She covers lifestyle, human-interest, adventure, and spirituality topics.