Dad Wonders If He’s Wrong For Choosing Divorce Over Letting His Wife Adopt His Daughter

Co-parenting isn't easy, but if both parents are trying, even if one is struggling, that's generally a good sign. Especially if the struggling parent's child wants to try to keep the relationship intact. But what happens when the family becomes blended, and a stepparent enters the mix?

One dad is in the mix of this very dilemma. His daughter's biological mother is struggling, and his new wife feels she should be removed completely from his daughter's life, regardless of the fact that the little girl doesn't want that. On top of that, the stepmom wants to become her stepdaughter's mom, but this dad doesn't think that's the right solution, and unfortunately for her, she issued an ultimatum that backfired.

A concerned dad took to Reddit to ask for advice after he told his wife she could not adopt his daughter.

“I … have an eight-year-old daughter, Ella, with my ex, and I have full custody of her,” he explained. “I’m married to Laura … and we have two kids together. Ella’s mom is a train wreck, alcohol, drugs, multiple arrests and a lot of personal issues. She has not seen Ella for around a year now.”

“I’ve been dating Laura since Ella was two, so she’s very familiar with Laura,” he continued. “But she doesn’t call her ‘mom’ and she still loves her mom and wishes her mom would get better and be a real mom to her.”

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According to the father, Laura knows Ella’s situation well and has always been fine with it until recently. “Laura knew how things were when we started dating and she knew how it was when we got married,” he said. “I always made it clear that my priority was Ella’s safety, health and happiness, and I told her I understood if it got to be too much and she didn’t want to commit. But she said she was on board for it all.”

“Only now she’s tired of my ex reappearing every-so-often and she wants to adopt Ella so my ex can’t have any access ever again,” he added. “She does love Ella and sees her as hers just as much as mine,” he stated. “But the main reason she’s being so forceful is severing my ex’s rights would get her out of the picture until Ella’s 18 and chooses to look for her mom on her own.”

“Laura says this is what’s best for her and for all of us,” he said. “But Ella doesn’t want to be adopted by Laura. Even if her mom never gets better, she doesn’t want to be adopted.”

The stepmother wanted her husband to force his daughter to accept her as an adopted parent.

“She said we have the other two kids to think of as well and how Ella might pull away from us if her mom causes more trouble in the future, she might choose her over us,” he recounted.

“Laura and I have discussed this numerous times now and she told me she doesn’t see our marriage surviving if I won’t talk Ella around or let her do it, or get a therapist who will,” he said. “She said she will not keep being just the stepmom when Ella’s mom won’t put her first, while she has been and doesn’t get the benefit of legal stability of adoption.”

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When faced with this reality, the man made a difficult but understandable decision. “She said I only had two options and needed to decide which I wanted,” he recalled. “I told her to divorce me then because I’m not forcing the adoption on Ella.”

Laura was caught off guard by this, but he stood firm.

There are clear benefits to adopting a stepchild.

While many families may find that there are emotional advantages to further blending together through adoption, there are legal pros as well. Attorney Sarah M. Litowich explained that some things that seem basic can become complicated if you’re not a legal parent.

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“This can be an issue when it comes to picking the child up from school, obtaining medical care for the child, or making crucial decisions if the biological parent cannot be reached,” she said.

So, technically, there would be advantages to Laura adopting Ella, which might make day-to-day life easier. However, if Ella’s wish is not to be adopted, then that’s ultimately her decision. It shouldn’t be something she’s forced into.

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Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.