The Common Millennial Parenting Style That Does Irreparable Damage To Kids, According To Research
A parent's goal is to put themselves out of a job, not stick around forever.
martin-dm | Canva You want to help your children as much as possible, but are you over-helping them with everything? The best way for children to learn is to experience the process themselves, and they can't do that if a parent is constantly nagging them.
The common Millennial parenting style of helicopter parenting does irreparable harm to kids, according to research.
Former Stanford dean and writer of How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims, believes that over-involved parenting AKA helicopter parenting isn't doing children any good. "We want so badly to help them by shepherding them from milestone to milestone, and by shielding them from failure and pain. But over-helping causes harm," she writes.
"It can leave young adults without the strengths of skill, will, and character that are needed to know themselves and to craft a life."
If you're too involved with your children's lives and take care of every problem or challenge they face, you rob them of learning.
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You rob them of learning about who they are at their core, how to problem-solve, and how to navigate the world and life as an adult. And when they're adults of their own, they won't know how to do anything, causing anxiety and guilt-ridden thoughts.
The increase in mental health problems among college students, as shown in the Journal of American College Health, may reflect the lengths to which helicopter parents push them toward academic achievement.
In 2013, the American College Health Association surveyed close to 100,000 college students from 153 different campuses about their health, and the results were distressing.
When asked about their experiences, at some point over the past 12 months:
- 84% felt overwhelmed by all they had to do
- 60% felt very sad
- 57% felt very lonely
- 51% felt overwhelming anxiety
- 8% seriously considered suicide
"Our job as a parent is to put ourselves out of a job," said Lythcott-Haims. "We need to know that our children have the wherewithal to get up in the morning and take care of themselves."
Parents can teach their children to be self-sufficient by allowing them to be their advocates, as well as promoting skills they'll need in real life.
Lastly, give them enough room to practice those skills on their own and let them fail, so they can learn from their mistakes and pick themselves up. Failing isn't the end of the world — it's merely a step in the process.
Parenting coach Mia Von Scha suggested, "Provide children with a variety of different materials and let them explore and discover these for themselves. Parents who provide their children with materials without explicit instructions can positively impact their children's development by fostering independent exploration, problem-solving skills, creativity, and autonomy.
Excessive guidance can sometimes hinder these abilities. The effectiveness of this approach depends on the child's age, developmental stage, and the type of materials provided."
You want your child to do well academically, but they need to learn things for themselves so that when faced with life and school challenges, they can handle them. The best thing you can do for your children is let them be who they are.
Christine Schoenwald is a writer and frequent contributor to YourTango. She's had articles featured in The Los Angeles Times, Salon, Bustle, Medium, Huffington Post, Business Insider, and Woman's Day, among many others.