Childless Woman Shares The 5 ‘Conditions’ She Has For Loving A Future Child ‘Unconditionally’ — ‘I Don’t Want A Kid That’s Super Drooly’
You can't just send them back.
Teerasak Ladnongkhun | Shutterstock The notion that we don’t get to pick our family is usually meant to describe our parents and siblings, yet the sentiment applies to having kids, too. Regardless of the hopes and dreams a parent might have for their child, that child is going to express themselves how they want to, even if you raise them to be a certain way.
One woman poked fun at parenthood by drafting a list of behavior from kids that she’d refuse to tolerate.
The childless woman shared the 5 ‘conditions’ she has for loving a future child ‘unconditionally':
1. No ‘super drooly’ kids
“I think that I want to have kids soon, but I’m not really sure ‘cause I’ve never had a kid before, so how do I know if I’m gonna like it?” Emily Haswell asked, then answered her own question. “I don’t, but you’re just kinda stuck.”
“I don’t think I’m gonna love them unconditionally,” she revealed before explaining the conditions she has for future kids.
“I really don’t want a kid that’s super drooly or always, like, putting their hands in their mouth,” she said, starting her list off strong.
Unfortunately for Haswell, asking a kid not to drool is like asking them not to breathe.
From the newborn phase through the toddler phase, kids are consistent and dedicated droolers. As a parent, you’re expected to wipe up the spittle trailing down their tiny, perfect faces with a burp cloth or a corner of your shirt or even your bare hands.
Just by virtue of being alive on this Earth, kids drool and sneeze and cough into your mouth and eat their fingers. It’s just a basic fact of a parents’ newfound slobbery, snot-covered lifestyle.
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2. No kids who go through a 'cat phase'
Next on Haswell’s list of kids she doesn’t want is “A kid who goes through a phase where they’re like, ‘I’m a cat, I only talk in meows.”
“I’m gonna be like, ‘You’re embarrassing yourself, stop,’” she declared.
Kids tend to show off different parts of their personalities at different ages. It’s a way of determining their identity, and that identity just might be the cat kid who meows, or the dog kid, or even the horse kid.
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Haswell would approve of her potential future child’s goth phase, saying, “I’ll stick by them if they go through a goth phase, ‘cause they’ll eventually be very good at eyeliner, but it’s gonna be tough to take them seriously.”
Cycling through phases gives kids a chance to figure out who they are and what’s important to them. Some of those phases might annoy their parents, but it’s a totally developmentally appropriate part of growing up and growing into themselves.
3. No kid who has allergies
No parent would wish a food allergy onto any of their children, yet Haswell’s reasons had less to do with managing scary physical symptoms and more with being the kind of laid-back, no-worries mom she envisioned for herself.
She explained that she doesn’t want a kid with a lot of allergies, “So that at birthday parties I have to say, ‘Oh, is there wheat in that?’ I don’t want to do that, ew.”
Parents don’t dream of being on edge about birthday cake, but watching out for their kids’ health takes precedence over everything else.
4. No creepy kids
Haswell gave examples of what constituted creepy kid behavior, like “If they stand in the corner of my bedroom late at night or if they draw a picture of our family and in one corner there’s like, a dark blob.”
A toddler having a tantrum might seem as though they’re possessed, but at some point, they’ll get distracted or tired or need a snack, and the evil spirits will leave their bodies, at least for a little while.
MDV Edwards | Shutterstock
5. No kids who want to play Little League
“It’s just too hot out for all that,” Haswell said.
Playing Little League might be a fun activity for kids, but watching Little League is a veritable nightmare for parents. A Little League mom is forced to sit on metal bleachers while the sun is at its peak to watch their kid play a game that has way more innings than any game should have.
Haswell seems to be in the same camp as my own mother, who bribed my little brother with cold, hard cash for giving up Little League.
Haswell isn’t the only woman with conditions for her imaginary kids to fulfill.
A woman named Samatha Wong shared her future child's non-negotiables. There was a fair amount of crossover between the lists of intolerable kid behavior, including creepy kids and kids covered in their own snot, which, let’s face it, all kids are.
Wong made it clear that she also wouldn’t tolerate “a kid who keeps bugs in their room” or a kid with a Justin Bieber haircut.
She pointed to a photo of new-dad Justin Bieber back when he had swoopy hair and said, “While this brings me good nostalgia, if my child comes home with a Justin Bieber haircut and is constantly, like, flicking their hair, I’m gonna shave it off in their sleep.”
As someone who worked as a nanny for over a decade, I can promise both women that every kid has at least one gross, annoying trait, and let’s be honest, they have way more than one.
But therein lies the gift of caregiving: You love them anyway. You love them, drool and all, because you get to watch them grow into themselves, which is another amazing gift.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.