13 Biggest Family Conflicts (And How To Solve Them)
How to get your kids to actually listen to you.
Karolina Grabowska | Canva Any parent knows that as beautiful as the journey of raising a child is, it's certainly not without conflict. From an expert standpoint, the topics parents most commonly fight with each other about are money, followed by parenting/discipline, domestic responsibilities, and feeling neglected. Here, our Experts have tackled 13 common parent-parent and parent-child conflicts. Read on for expert advice on how to manage and overcome disagreements about discipline, domesticity, and 12 other common arguments.
Here are 13 biggest family conflicts (and how to solve them):
1. Punishment
Whether young or old, children are always testing limits and playing one parent against the other. Avoid such conflict by sitting down together during a quiet time to establish six to eight key family rules that you then explain in a calm, affirmative manner to your kids. Expect them to repeatedly test whether you are serious about those rules, but respond by telling them firmly "You know what the rules are." —Morris Mann
2. Temper tantrums
Whether it is a toddler temper tantrum or an adolescent fit, your child's underlying message is that you are denying him what he wants. Dealing with tantrums can often cause one parent to feel guilty or sympathetic and give in, while the other parent gets defiant and angry. What you need to do is balance sympathy with the educational message that life is full of frustrations because no one gets what they want all the time. Convey to your child the message that it is his/her problem to overcome, but you will be there to help if he/she wants some advice. Remember that your child is entitled to get from you everything he needs, and a little of what he wants, too. —Morris Mann
Pexels / Jep Gambardella
3. Attention-demanding children
Working parents are often overwhelmed when they come home and immediately have to deal with attention-demanding children. Whichever parent gets home first is eager for the other parent to come home so the kids can be dumped on someone else. The best approach to this kind of situation is to teach your kids that you have a life of your own and that they are capable of doing things on their own. —Morris Mann
4. Mess
When parents try to get children to pick up their stuff around the house, they usually use one of two unproductive approaches — nagging the kids, or picking up after them. Instead, when items are not picked up, try "ransoming" the items by putting the items in a box the child can't access. The child then has to do a small chore, like taking out the garbage or clearing the dinner table, befitting the value of the item they want back. Keep collecting and ransoming items until your child understands that they have a responsibility to the larger community in which they live. —The Couples Institute
5. Miscommunication
A lot of tangled communication happens when your child expresses and "tests" out ideas and feelings quite different from your own. When your child says something that sets off alarm bells in your head, resist the natural impulse to point out the flaws in their thinking. Ask a couple of questions before stating your reaction, but the effectiveness of your questions will depend on how curious and respectful you really are. Your child will know by the tone of your voice and your facial expressions, and if they don't feel like they are on the witness stand, there is a much better chance that they will listen to your viewpoints. —The Couples Institute
6. Lack of gratitude
A common yet toxic belief among partners is that they shouldn't have to thank each other for doing chores since they should do them. At the dinner table, in front of the children, express appreciation for something your partner did. You'll be modeling great values for your kids and helping the marital connection—all at the same time. —The Couples Institute
7. Lack of sleep
When children wake up throughout the night, exhausted parents argue about the best way to get their child back to sleep. Focus on working together at the beginning of the night while you are alert to create consistent nightly rituals for your child that are soothing and loving and that gradually lead to your child falling asleep independently, without you in the room. This way, if he/she wakes up during the night, you know he/she already has the skills to self-soothe. —Carolyn Meyer-Wartels
8. Feeling ignored
Couples catering to the hectic demands of raising children often wind up feeling ignored by each other. To avoid drifting apart, make a daily ritual of holding one another for one minute, no strings attached! This is not always easy when you are feeling hurt or wounded, but researchers say this act alone can release some feel-good hormones that will enhance the good feelings between the two of you. —Carolyn Meyer-Wartels
9. Picky eating
Getting children to eat healthy meals can trigger all sorts of feelings in parents around food, leaving it as ripe territory for couples to argue about. As a rule of thumb, make mealtime a chance to chat and share pleasant experiences with your family. As long as there is one healthy food choice on the table that you know your child will eat, there is no need to push, bribe, coerce, or short-order cook. Keeping mealtime a positive experience will give you and your partner time to enjoy each other, and it will eventually set the stage for your fussy one to try new foods, without the indigestion that arguing about food can cause. —Carolyn Meyer-Wartels
10. Consequences
Parents often argue about an appropriate consequence to give a child who has misbehaved. Creating consequences is an appropriate form of discipline, but you don't have to clobber a child with a big one for it to be effective. The main idea is to make sure it's age-appropriate and to follow through with what you said. Then, when it's over, make sure you let your child try again with a clean slate. No holding grudges! —Carolyn Meyer-Wartels
11. Co-sleeping
Some families are committed to sleeping in one bed when a baby needs to nurse frequently or a toddler has trouble going to sleep alone. But what happens when one parent objects and resorts to sleeping on the sofa to get a good night's rest? If this happens, then it is time to reconsider sleeping arrangements for a baby or toddler. Most babies give up middle-of-the-night nursing at about six months and will sleep through the night if placed in a crib nearby. Toddlers and parents alike will get a more well-rested night's sleep if the night ritual is firm, kind, and consistent. —Judy Helm Wright
12. Discipline
To end a discipline war, it is necessary to stop the power struggles and create an atmosphere of mutual respect. For discipline to be an effective learning experience it needs to have a natural or logical consequence. A natural consequence is anything that happens naturally without any adult interference or stepping in to solve your child's problems. So, if you forget your coat, you get cold. If you don't do your homework, you get a bad grade. A logical consequence is designed to teach a lesson or provide a helpful learning experience. For example, if a child continues to hit another child, he is placed in time-out. —Judy Helm Wright
13. Whining and crying
As a parent educator, this is the number-one complaint of parents. It is especially troubling when one parent gives in, and the other tries to be consistent in firm, but kind discipline. This confuses the child about whether you are serious about the rule. By being inconsistent, you are also teaching your child to become manipulative and devious to try to get their own way. Try stating every time: "I am sorry, my ears can't hear and understand whiny or screaming words. Calm down and talk to me in your respectful voice and I will listen." This assumes, of course, that you have taught and modeled what a respectful voice sounds like. —Judy Helm Wright
Carolyn Meyer-Wartels is a licensed clinical social worker with over 25 years of experience empowering her clients to make changes in their lives, and create closer and more satisfying connections with their family and loved ones. The Couples Institute, founded by thought leaders Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson, offers exceptional, in-depth training to psychotherapists who work with couples and individuals with relationship problems. Judy Helm Wright is a parent educator, family coach, and personal historian who has written over 20 books, and hundreds of articles and speaks internationally on family issues, including caregiving. Morris N Mann is a family psychologist with over 10 years of experience who helps individuals build self-confidence and overcome the stress and anxiety associated with self-doubt and insecurity during periods of major life transitions.