Are Your Partner's Money Habits Dragging You Down?

Money. Just the word alone is loaded for singles and couples alike — talking about money can sometimes feel even more overwhelming than talking about sex. Words such as control, shame, power, and guilt are some of the many associations couples attach to money. With that in mind, two different people coming into a relationship with two different approaches to money can quickly become a huge challenge.

So what's a couple to do? Well, a quick fix approach could be for both people to keep their money, accounts, etc. separate from each other and voila: neither person has to ever deal with the other person's issues, hang ups, neurosis, etc. about money (but if that's the case, they might even want to consider living in separate houses, as well). So it's an option, but not one that I would recommend, seeing as keeping everything separate only enables a couple to not have to look at and understand their own relationship (for better or worse) with money.

Couple Profile: Joe and Samara
Opposites attract — and money is the #1 subject of conflict for couples, so it makes sense that opposites attract regarding money styles. Savers and spenders really do attract each other. Take this couple who appeared to be splitting up because of these classic money conflicts. The wife, Samara, feels that it is important to enjoy life as they live it. She wants to go out to nice restaurants, and she wants her husband, Joe, to buy her flowers or jewelry, in order to demonstrate — not just say — that he loves her.

Joe is noticeably distraught over their breakup, but his background makes it difficult for him to spend money on what he considers to be "luxuries." Joe had it rough when he was a teenager. He left his parents, and lived on his own from the age of 15. Joe had worked hard, and had saved up $100,000, which he used as the downpayment for their home. Joe had never seen so much money in his life, and he felt that it was hard-earned and worth preserving. Joe was already planning how he would put their infant son through college.

Samara said to him, "You feel that the money is more important than I am." Joe denied this, but Samara said that this issue was causing the end of their family. She said, "It would be better for our son for us to go out to dinner sometimes and put less money in his college savings account than to not have his two parents living together."

Understanding Your "Money Type"
Now for those of you willing to take the mega money couple challenge, the first step is to understand your own "money type". Are you a spender, a sneaker (i.e. running into the house with your new pair of Prada shoes and shoving them behind the dirty laundry basket before your husband comes home from work), a sensible saver or a penny pincher.?

Once you have tagged your type and are willing to look at it honestly, use that information to understand your own relationship with money. For example, if you are in fact a "sneaker", then perhaps as a child you learned that from your own mother who would take you shopping, hide the bags in the car, and then come home to find your father waiting at the door asking how much money she spent. Hence, you learned that spending money must be a secret.

If you're a "penny pincher", you may have grown up with a parent who gambled your family's savings away, leaving you and your siblings with no funds for college. You learned to not trust there ever being any money; that it could slip through your fingers at a moment's notice.

Sensible savers tend to be careful planners. Thinking about retirement, or paying for college for a child, even if many years away, are as real, and concrete to a saver, as the need to pay for a new fall wardrobe. Savers tend to be people who can hold their budgets in their head. They are good at estimating how much money comes in every month, and how much has gone out — so if you ask, "Can we afford to go out to dinner tonight?", your typical saver will know immediately if the answer is "yes" or "no".  Savers read their monthly bank, retirement and investment statements, and the numbers divulged affect their moods.

Spenders tend to be people who live in the moment. They do not see the point of scrimping, saving, and denying themselves, only to get ill or step in front of a bus, and leave their savings for their heirs to enjoy. Spenders look for excuses to "splurge" or "let themselves go" to celebrate events that are happening now — and the fact that it's Friday might be enough! Spenders have a philosophy that life is meant to be lived in the moment. They don't easily connect the moment to the credit card bill that they will get in a month. Retirement and saving for a child's college, as well as monthly statements, are all abstract, distant concepts that spenders can't quite wrap their minds around. Who knows what will be in ten ears?

After you have recognized your own habits, talk to your partner about their relationship with money. How was money dealt with (or not) within their family of origin? What are the fears and false beliefs about money that he or she brings into the relationship? The benefit of you having this information may allow you to have a little more compassion for whatever hangup he or she has with money, and it will help you see the full picture of the money power struggle between the two of you.

So, now that you have a better picture of how both of your past effects your differing money personalities, you need to figure out together how to work as a team despite differing feelings about money. How can you give up your own need to control, yet build a safe structure for you both? Keep reading...

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Working Together About Money
Many decisions have to be made about money for couples who are planning to move in together and/or get married:

• Are you going to keep your earnings in joint or separate accounts?
• How will you divide basic living expenses?
• How will you use credit cards?
• Do you need to have some privacy around money?
• What would you want to do if you received a large bonus one year?
• Do you like luxuries and lavish vacations? Or are you just as happy camping in a tent—if it means you can save your money?
• What is your approach to saving for child’s college education?
• What is your approach to saving for retirement?
• What will you do if one of you inherits some money?

The most important thing is communication. Reasonable people can have different approaches, and different answers to all of those questions — and you and your honey have to figure out what will work best for you. After a couple has done their spending research, they should consider scheduling a monthly meeting where they communicate about expenditures and any other financial matters needing immediate attention. 

An example may be that neither needs to "get permission" from the other about what they spend, unless it goes over a specific dollar amount. At that point, the agreement is to check in and discuss if needed. Or for some couples, each may have "personal spending accounts" (with a set amount each month) outside of the joint accounts, allowing each person the freedom to make their desired purchases without feeling that the other person might try to control, judge, or criticize how they spend the money.

Set some parameters around credit card debt. That is the one thing that can quickly spiral out-of-control. Agree to share the balances with each other periodically. Discuss ways to handle bonuses, and vacation planning, so that both can enjoy these perks and surprises without feeling that it's breaking the bank.

Both people should become financially accountable and aware about what money is coming in (and from where), and what money is going out.  One of the ways to do your spending research is to track each and every single penny you both spend over a one month period, so that you both have a clear and realistic understanding about how and where you spend.

Consider Mediation
However, if talking together about money still feels like you're struggling to climb the highest mountain, then you might want to consider seeking assistance from a professional financial advisor who can help you devise the right plan for the two of you. Either way, it is imperative to keep an open dialogue about your differing money personalities and how to balance them in your relationship! As with most things in life, the more we avoid a situation, the more stressful it becomes; the more we lean into the unknown, the easier it gets.

As for Joe and Samara, they had a better understanding of each other after their discussion in mediation. Joe said that he didn't really get it; that eating leftovers while hanging out together at home felt to him like enough quality time, and he felt connected to Samara. However, he could see that going out to dinner once in a while was important to her, so he looked at the budget and said that they could probably go out once per month (including the cost of a sitter), and he agreed to commit to that. 

Samara said that the process of really looking at their budget was eye-opening for her, as she had no sense of how much money went in and out each month. She said she had a new appreciation of how well Joe managed their finances. They discussed ways that she could be more involved, on an ongoing basis, and she agreed that she should check the bank statements occasionally. She also agreed to look at some college savings calculators, to figure out what they could put away for their son.

So what's there to learn here? communicate about money! They say that we have more trouble talking about money than about sex, but healthy couples will talk about both! Once you have your financial discussions taken care of, you can move onto the really fun stuff.