How To Honor Your Sexual Fantasies (And Your Committed Relationship, Too)

I am a marriage and sex therapist, and I'm here to tell you that we all have fantasies … that’s a normal part of being human. And yes, it's possible to honor your fantasies and your committed relationship.

In my practice and in society, in general, I see far too many people are getting divorced and too many people are cheating and being unfaithful. My main purposes in life besides helping couples heal is to help prevent these problems.

The reasons for these problems are multiple and complex, but I want to address one important one here.

Men and women have fantasies, some have many and some have few but most of us have certain sexual things we like to see, do, or hear — certain body shapes and parts, etc.

In many relationships, unfortunately, people keep these fantasies as secrets, afraid of the negative consequences of letting their intimate partner know.

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The problem here is that some sexual piece of the person (which can actually be very energizing) is kept from the partner and the relationship can lose some vital energy and passion.

Over the course of time, this can erode the sexual and even emotional connection between the couple.

Another negative possibility is that a person acts out the fantasy secretively behind their partner’s back.

I have seen that in most couples — they're fantasizing about someone else in a relationship who is not their partner. The better thing to do is to share these fantasies. It is a part of life; it is how we are wired.

Why should we hide that?

Despite the initial awkwardness and anxiety of couple’s opening up about these sides of their sexuality, eventually, the couple can expand their comfort zone and include more of each other’s (previously taboo) parts of themselves.

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The feeling can be exciting and loving at the same time. It is quite stimulating to express a fantasy that is accepted by the partner.

This is very different than acting them out. I am just talking about sharing what is going on in the minds and bodies of each person in the relationship.

When you share these precious private feelings, preferences, and desires with your partner, your intimacy with each other increases. This, to me, is the definition of mature commitment. Mature commitment is the commitment to allow each person to express all that they are:

There are benefits of sharing your fantasies with your partner:

1. It is a natural aphrodisiac to be allowed to express your secret and even kinky desires to an accepting and interested partner.
2. Your partner is now free to discover and express his or her own secret fantasies as well.
3. Much energy is locked up in taboo subjects and once these previously taboo subjects are opened up for discussion, there is often a burst in energy that can actually improve mental and even physical wellbeing.
4. This openness and transparency in intimate relationships are a major preventive and protective factor regarding any future infidelity.
5. Discussing these kinds of challenging subjects build emotional muscle in each partner so that communication about other difficult topics become easier to do which in turn builds even more couple resilience.
6. Sharing your sexual fantasies can be a whole lot of fun.
7. Developing consistent habits of sharing your fantasies go a long way in healing false shame —  shame for having normal human desires and impulses which you may have learned in your family of origin or culture.
8. Once fantasies are expressed, the maturing couple can decide what they want to do about it. They could do nothing or they could do something as long as it all is agreed upon by both parties.

(If you want help opening up as a couple to these sides of each other, feel free to contact me and I would love to help.)

There you have it. With courage and the desire to be close to each other, honoring your fantasies and committed relationship is not only possible — it’s good for your relationship.

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