#1 Way To Fix Low Libido, According To A Sex Therapist
If you're feeling lackluster about your sex life you're not alone. This will help.
Nomad_Soul / Shutterstock Do you struggle with low sexual desire? If so, you're not alone. While trying to figure out what women really want, the research found that about one-third of the women in the United States have low sexual desire.
There's a surefire way to increase your libido, though, and it's easier than you may think: have more sex!
As you try to understand your own sexual desire, there are a handful of things to consider.
The first is that there are very real biological components affecting a women's sexual desire. For example, women have 20-40 percent less testosterone than men.
Testosterone is the hormone that gives men that compelling sex drive, and because women have so much less than men, it's easy to see why our sex drive is less enthusiastic compared to that of a normal guy.
But it's not just the hormones themselves that work against our sex drive; it's also the frequency of their distribution in our blood that has an effect.
For most men, these distributions are consistently frequent, like the sun's rising and setting.
The testosterone in their bloodstream spikes about every 15 minutes, supporting an ever-ready libido. It's a completely different scenario for women. A woman's libido is more like the moon in its cyclical nature.
Like the moon, our hormone pattern spans a 28-day cycle, in which the hormones and our sex drive differ throughout the month.
Depending on our hormones on any given day, a woman's libido may be optimal, like a full moon. Some days it may be only operating at half-speed. There are also days when it's like a new moon and reduced down to nothing.
This is why our moods and sex drive are inconsistent and often frustrating for both ourselves and our partners.
The bottom line is that the very fact that you are a woman gives you a sexual drive disadvantage as compared to men — right from the starting gate.
For many women, there is also a myriad of other biological, psychological, and relationship factors that contribute to inhibiting a healthy sexual desire.
But all is not lost! While it feels unfair, as a sex therapist and a woman who once had low sexual desire herself, I'm here to tell you I have figured out the secrets on how to increase it.
In fact, the truth is that once a woman figures out how to access her own sex drive, she will discover that many women actually have a stronger, more limitless sexual capacity than men! We just have to know how to tap into our sexual potential.
To ignite your own sexual desire, you have to begin by having more sex. And yes, for many I know this seems counterintuitive, but the truth is, to kick start your own desire you need to start having sex.
From this place, it becomes easier to engage your libido... and a healthier dose of desire comes from there.
Feeling skeptical? Here are a few reasons why having more sex will increase your sexual desire:
Sex is like exercise.
If you haven't exercised for a long time and you're out of shape, your first day back at the gym may be hell. It won't feel good and it will be hard. But if you ignore your resistance and keep working out, your body will kick back into gear. After a while, you'll start to feel really good. Sex operates the same way. If you haven't been sexual for a while, it will be hard to get going again. But once you get those feel-good endorphins kicked back in, you'll be glad you stayed with it.
We all know that having sufficient sex hormones is essential for having sexual desire. But one thing you probably aren't aware of is that having sex actually increases those hormones. Crazy, but true.
The latest research on female sexuality shows that most women don't "start out" having sexual desire; ample work must be done to help them feel aroused. Unlike men, few of us are walking around feeling instantly ready to hop into the sack. We need foreplay to build our arousal, and our desire to have sex stems from this place. Once a woman starts feeling the pleasure of the arousal, that's when the desire kicks in.
Once you're having sex, all the holding and touching you do stimulates an important chemical called oxytocin. Oxytocin is stimulated through touch, and it bonds you emotionally to the person you are touching. It's like relationship super glue. The more you touch, the more love you feel — which is why lovers usually feel a lot closer to each other after they have been intimate.
If you want to have sexual desire, you have to be in the habit of having sex. We're all so busy and for many couples, the key to making time to be together sexually comes down to getting it on the calendar. This somewhat un-romantic notion is critical for keeping the momentum going; the more you schedule a time to be together the more often you'll actually have sex. It's no surprise that married couples have more sex than singles for one reason: opportunity!
You have to make sex delicious for you.
It isn't about just having more sex, it's about having more good sex. If you're only having sex to stop your partner from nagging you, that's the wrong reason. The right reason to be intimate is that sex is pleasurable to you.
It is human nature to want to repeat pleasurable experiences. Women with low sexual desire often have sex for their partner's sake, not for themselves. That's got to change. You won't ever truly desire sex if it isn't pleasurable to you. My advice is to alter your approach. Make sure when you have sex that you are doing what feels good. Teach your partner what feels good to you, and remember, if you love it, you'll want it again and again.
Shifting from a feeling of low sexual desire to a more regular sexual desire isn't something that happens overnight. It takes time, effort, and practice. The good news is that it's fun, and the more you have sex, the more you'll ultimately want sex.
That's the place you want to be in — and your partner wants you to be in. When sex is less of a chore and more of a treat, then you'll know things are moving in the right direction.
Colette Malan is a psychotherapist, marriage counselor, and certified sex therapist.