How To Deal With Jealousy When It Threatens Your Relationship
Get a grip on your inner green-eyed monster.
getty Knowing how to deal with jealousy is one of the most complex of all dating, marriage and relationship issues.
When you're in love with someone and feeling jealous, you might try not to hide what feels like negative emotions, which only causes them to steadily pile up inside of you. Pretty soon, something pushes you one inch too far, and as hard as you've tried to not be jealous, all of those pent up feelings you've pushed down or denied come bursting out in an uglier way than you ever imagined.
You might have a jealous meltdown in public, leaving you feeling embarrassed and your partner feeling pushed further away from you than ever. You might yell or hurl accusations at your partner, or you might confront the person you see as a threat to your relationship. Or, you might stand up abruptly and storm out of the room, slamming the door behind you with saying anything to explain your behavior.
However it happens, the effects of being a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend are fairly similar in most relationships.
Which is exactly why you need to know how to overcome your jealousy if you want to save your relationship before it's too late.
A jealous meltdown is likely to leave your partner feeling understandably confused, frustrated and even angry. And while you might feel justified, you'll probably still feel embarrassed for having behaved so impulsively.
If getting closer to the person you love is something you want, there are ways you can learn how to not be jealous and reconnect with your partner.
Here's how to deal with jealousy and get your emotional needs met more effectively in relationships.
1. Reconnect with yourself.
If you've had a jealous meltdown, you’ll need some time alone with yourself to calm down. You won’t be able to say what you want if your emotions are high and interfering with what’s inside you at your core.
Before you try to talk to your partner about your jealous meltdown, get clear within yourself about why the meltdown happened in the first place and what you want to do differently in the future.
You were most likely agitated by the fears of what may or may not happen in the future or what happened in the past.
Don’t get sidetracked by guessing what your partner or anyone else was thinking or wanting. Make observations about your thoughts and actions and try to steer clear of assumptions.
The important thing is to calm down so you aren't ruled by your emotions.
2. Own your actions, and forgive yourself for them.
Even after taking some time to reflect, you might still feel your behavior was justified. It may very well be that your partner was overtly flirting or acting inappropriately according to your agreements with him or her.
Whether that is true or not, taking ownership for a jealous meltdown that could have been hurtful to others (and possibly embarrassing for you) is a step toward a healthy relationship.
But you can’t easily move toward reconnecting with your partner if you are beating yourself up for your behavior.
Practice loving and forgiving yourself by knowing that you are human and that this jealous meltdown can be a wake-up call for you to begin to be open to healing jealousy in your life.
3. Apologize for the ways you wish you hadn't behaved.
Nobody likes to be yelled at or accused, and a strong reaction like a jealous meltdown certainly doesn't motivate another person to change their ways or connect with you.
An apology is a good start to opening the door to reconnection. When you offer your partner (or another person involved) an apology, do so from the heart and with sincerity.
Take responsibility for your actions and don’t make excuses. Simply tell the other person how you’d like to be in the situation in the future.
4. Communicate clearly and authentically about your needs.
If there are things your boyfriend or girlfriend could do differently that could help end your jealous habits or stop other disconnecting dynamics in your relationship, you can make requests. But you’ll want to make them from a place of clarity inside you.
Something like this won't be helpful: "Will you stop looking at any beautiful woman who comes in the room?"
But if you focus on what might help you in these types of situations and make a request that's about your needs — not your partner's behavior — you just may get some cooperation.
A request like this is better: "Would you be willing to come over to me occasionally during the party and talk with me so I can feel a connection with you?"
The truth is you don’t have to fall into a jealous meltdown.
You can learn to listen to the truth inside you, instead of listening to your fears of the past and future. You can learn to speak from the truth and not assumptions. You can connect or reconnect with your partner with love and still be true to yourself.
Susie and Otto Collins are Certified Transformative Coaches who help people with communication, trust and jealousy issues create relationships full of greater love. For more articles and videos on overcoming jealousy visit No More Jealousy.