What To Say To Your Cheating Spouse

So here you are.

It’s a place you never ever thought you’d be. You used to believe that infidelity was something that only happened in other people’s relationships, not yours.

That was until your spouse started acting weird and you began to notice things, little clues that became increasingly worrisome. When you finally discovered that your partner was having an affair, you couldn’t wrap your mind around what you were hearing.

But it’s true. Your spouse cheated and now you two stand at a major crossroads. From here, the path forward may be to stay and put your marriage back together again or to separate and start again on your own.

The decision of whether to stay in or leave your relationship is possibly one of the biggest you’ll make in your entire life so take the time to be as clear as you can when you do. Don’t let fear or anger take the lead.

For many couples, the best solution in a situation like this is to stay together for a trial period. They agree to work on their relationship for 1 month, 6 months or more or less time and then to re-assess things. After that trial period, they’ll make a more permanent decision.

It’s always your choice to end the marriage immediately, to commit to stay or to wait and see during a trial period.  Every relationship and every person is different. We encourage you to make the decision that’s the wisest for you.

If you do decide to stay (whether it’s for a trial period or longer), it’s critical that you and your partner make some serious changes. You’ve got to rebuild trust and address the reasons why your partner cheated in the first place. Some of those reasons will tie in with your habits even though it was your spouse who cheated.

The way you two communicate during this time will make or break your efforts to repair your relationship.

Shout it out?
There are so many things on your mind that you might feel compelled to say to your spouse. So many raw feelings fill you up and need to express. It’s tempting to let your partner have it and scream and yell at him or her.

You’re hurting and you want your partner to know how much!

We recommend that you DO express your emotions because, it’s true, being cheated on is painful and upsetting. We don’t necessarily advise you to shout and spew about it to your partner.

Here’s why...

Anger is understandable and natural and needs to be let out, but it can also be damaging if handled inappropriately. Screaming at your partner will only escalate an already intense and volatile situation. When you shout it out, your partner may become defensive and hostile to you.

The two of you could end up feeling even more hurt and disconnected than before.

Yes, do express your feelings. Work with a coach or counselor. Write about how you feel in a journal or letter to your partner (that you don’t send). Make time to be alone and jump up and down, yell around, hit pillows, cry and rage all you need to. Keep Reading...

More infidelity advice from YourTango

• How Does An Affair Start?
• Adultery: To Forgive Or Not To Forgive Your Spouse
• How To Save Your Marriage When You Feel Hopeless [EXPERT]

If your intention is to find a way to re-connect and repair your marriage, you’re going to want to come to communication with him or her as calm and clear as you can. This does NOT mean un-emotional or cold, by the way.

Use these 4 phrases to talk about how you feel and what you want for your future together... 

“I feel _________.”
It’s helpful for your spouse to know the pain you feel because of his or her affair. The words “I feel” are a simple yet powerful statement of what’s true for you now. “I feel mad/sad/hurt/angry/betrayed/insecure/not enough/furious/pissed off....” This is not a time for pretending or putting on a “brave face;" be honest.

“I want to understand _________.”
If you feel the need to know why your partner cheated, instead of saying “How could you do this to me?” ask for help. Ask your partner to help you understand what motivated him or her to have an affair. Remember, understanding is very different from condoning or agreeing with what happened. You can choose to take this information and make some changes to your own habits.

“Are you willing to_________?”
Think of some specific ways that your partner can start to show that you can trust him or her again. Instead of making demands, find out if your spouse is truly willing to do these things. Create conscious agreements that will be kept.

“Here’s what I expect________.”
Especially when it comes to knowing that the affair has really ended, you might want to set some boundaries and ask for proof. A boundary can be set in a healthy way that strengthens trust and moves you two closer together again. Make sure you are specific and reasonable as you state your expectations and then watch for signs that he or she is following through.
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