How Talking To Your Partner Can Save Your Sex Life

Did you know that those who live in the Midwest are more sexually satisfied than the rest of the country?

According to a recent Men's Health survey, Midwestern cities took the top four spots on the list of the ten most sexually satisfied cities in America. Number one on the list was Indianapolis, IN and number two was our very own Columbus, OH.

No matter where you live, we ask you this: How sexually satisfied are you? Whether you are in a committed, long-term relationship or you tend toward casual, romantic encounters, are you pleased with the sex that you're having? 

A different survey conducted recently, by Wakefield Research, indicated that there are a lot of people out there who are not satisfied with the sex they are having. In fact, this study claims that 51% of sexually active adults in the U.S. want the sex they're having to either last longer or be shorter in duration. 

While sex isn't all there is to a happy and healthy love relationship or marriage, it is important. There is a level of intimacy and connection, not to mention pleasure, that gets lost when sex isn't absolutely enjoyed by both people.

What happens when sex isn't satisfying? This varies for every person, of course, but there can be frustration, irritation, resentment and outright anger when one (or both) people are dissatisfied with the sex in the relationship.

Affairs and breakups can be the result. Even if the couple stays together, and resigns themselves to "dull" or "bad" sex, the relationship can shift from one of passion to one of friendship.

There's nothing wrong with looking at your spouse or romantic partner as merely a roommate, co-parent or even your best friend, but don't you want more? You don't have to settle for unsatisfying sex and you don't have to look outside your relationship for the pleasure and sexual connection you seek, either. 

The tricky thing about sex is that it's uncomfortable to talk about. We're not referring to phone sex or literally having sex with your words (although those can be fun!). We're referring to talking about sex with your partner.

Many people don't know how to ask for more of what they like and less of what they don't like and so they end up not saying anything at all. They lay back and hope it's over quickly. Or, they fake orgasm and pretend that they loved the sex, even though they didn't. 

In the meantime, there is a growing discontent and feeling that "shouldn't this be more enjoyable?" A delicious opportunity for connection and passion is lost and the couple becomes farther apart than before. So, How Can I Tell If My Sex Life Is Normal?

More sex advice from YourTango:

• 17 Best Sex Positions Men Love Most
• How Do You Keep Sex Fresh?
• Sex Video: Can A Couple Be Happy Without Sex?

If you're dissatisfied with the sex you are having with your partner, talk about it. Do so with kindness and clarity. Here are 4 tips to help this conversation flow easily:

1. Know what turns you on and satisfies you. You can't communicate with your partner about sex if you don't really know your own preferences and desires. The next time you are being sexual with your partner or alone by yourself, pay close attention to what turns you on and really excites you ... what leaves you feeling completely satisfied? 6 Ways To Make Your Romp In The Sheets Go From Bleh To HOT DAMN!

What feels good and what doesn't? Keep in mind that this might vary, but there are probably some constants, such as: types of touch (hard, soft, in-between), where you like to be touched, how much noise you like to make, what words you like to hear when making love, what positions you like the best and possibly, what sex toys appeal to you.

If you have fantasies or would like to experiment with role playing, what are those?

2. Don't blame or guilt trip your partner. Sometimes, sexual dissatisfaction goes beyond the ins and outs of the actual sex. Disagreements or unresolved and ongoing conflicts can build up and stand in the way of the couple enjoying sex. If this is what's going on for you, take the time to address these things now.

When you talk with your partner about the actual sex, we do not recommend that you start out the conversation saying something like, "We need to talk. I'm just not satisfied by the sex I have with you." Words of blame, criticism, put downs or guilt trips are not going to promote openness and him or her listening to your preferences.

Even if your partner is clearly doing something that turns you off, choose your words carefully. Remember, the goal here is to have an honest conversation that helps and doesn't hinder your relationship or your satisfaction with lovemaking. 

3. Say things like, "Here's what I like..." It's always best to focus mostly on what it is you do like. If you can find something you enjoy about your current sexual habits with your partner, this is a wonderful place to start. You could say, "I love it when you kiss the back of my neck when we're in bed together and getting ready to have sex. That really gets me going!"

Continue to talk about the things that please you and be sure to include the things that your partner isn't doing that you think would please you and that you'd like to try out. To address your partner's sexual habits that you can't stand, make a simple request such as, "Please don't ______ because I don't find that enjoyable during sex." Be straightforward about this and then return to what you would like more of in the bedroom.

4. Ask your partner, "What do you like?" To really engage your partner in this conversation, ask what he or she would like more of, or what he/she would like you to do differently. Now, it's your turn to listen and stay open. Don't make your partner wrong for having certain desires, and don't get defensive if he or she tells you to stop doing something a particular way (or at all).

Stay true to what you are willing (and unwilling to do), but be sure to invite yourself to get a little adventurous. Try some new things the next time you make love with your partner. Experts Reveal How To Revive Your Sex Life Post-Kids

More on the sex surveys cited in this article can be found here and here.

Want to know the secrets to red hot, passionate love relationship? Visit www.relationshipgold.com to receive Susie and Otto's free ebook Passionate Heart ~ Lasting Love.