Forgiveness: A Powerful Tool After A Breakup
Get the real story about forgiveness and how it can allow you to heal and let go of your ex.
We've all heard about how important it is to forgive. This might be a lesson that your parents or religious and spiritual leaders taught you when you were a young child. In most people's minds, "forgiveness" is something kind and beneficial. It is also expected. As great as forgiveness is, few people genuinely do it.
Sure, you might say, "I forgive you" to a loved one when he or she inconveniences or hurts you, but do you really, truly feel it?
Moving on from pain and feeling betrayed is essential for the success of any relationship. Moving on from pain and feeling betrayed after a breakup or divorce is also essential—especially if what you want is to be happy and maybe even find love again. What trips up so many people is being able to move on. It's almost as if they are taken over by the anger, grief, sadness and other emotions. It's almost as if they can't help but re-live past events and conversations again and again. This might be what's keeping you stuck in your past relationship. Why You Can't Have A Happy Relationship Without Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a tool you can use to get un-stuck. Forgiveness can help you make peace with and release your ex and the relationship that ended...if you can get past the myths. Can't Let Go: How to Move On After Divorce
Forgiveness Myths:
"After forgiving, you have to pretend that you weren't hurt or betrayed."
"When your forgive, you are being gracious and kind to your ex."
"After forgiving, you now approve of what happened."
No, no and no! None of these common beliefs about forgiveness is true. One huge block that many people have to forgiving their ex for cheating, lying, saying hurtful words or simply not being a certain way is that they think they are sending a message with their forgiveness. They believe that, by forgiving, the message sent is that the past never happened or that whatever occurred is suddenly okay, even if it was actually very painful.
People also frequently think that the whole forgiveness thing is what one person does for the other person. This belief might feel especially averse if it seems like you've already given up and sacrificed so much for your ex who had an affair, lied to you and left.
Forgiveness Facts:
- Forgiveness is primarily for you.
- Forgiveness allows you to let go of anger, resentment and bitterness.
- Forgiveness helps you live more fully in the present moment.
- Forgiveness frees you for new experiences—including a new love relationship. 3 Ways To Open Your Heart To New Love After You've Been Hurt
Next: The positive power of forgiveness...
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Here's the shift we encourage you to make about forgiveness...
It truly is something that you do for your benefit. It is perhaps one of the most positively selfish things you can do for yourself as you heal. Really question the myths that you hold about forgiveness and open up to what it can be and what it can do for you. How Do I Stop Holding A Grudge About Everything?
Forgiveness can't be forced.
Be patient with yourself. While it's said that you either forgive or you don't forgive, it can take time and it can be a process to get to the place of genuine forgiveness. Forgiveness can't effectively be forced or faked. 5 Ways to Forgive
Start with you. When you forgive, be sure you forgive yourself for anything you think you "should" have said or done that you believe would've changed things. Are you blaming yourself in any way for what happened? Remember, it is very different to "blame" than it is to take responsibility for some part of an unhealthy dynamic. If you blame yourself, challenge that belief.
Whenever you think a thought that is self-blaming, say very simple and loving words like, "I forgive me for _____." Don't get caught up in who was in the wrong or re-hash the details. Instead, go general and focus on those loving words of forgiveness for yourself. Keep saying them until you can actually believe them.
Next, search for some genuine words of forgiveness you can say about your ex. *Note: You can benefit from this if you say the forgiveness words only to yourself. You can also write them down. It's not necessary for you to communicate them to your ex. You can be general and, while thinking of your ex, say something like, "I forgive you (state his or her name) for hurting me." A more specific variation of this might be, "I felt _____ when you (state your ex's name) did ____ and I forgive you." How Compassion Facilitates Forgiveness
Tune in and notice how it feels when you truly forgive. The more you practice forgiveness, the freer you will be to truly move ahead creating the life you want.
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For more help letting go of your ex, click here for Susie and Otto's free mini-course: "6 Keys to Healing After a Breakup or Divorce."
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