3 Totally Different Relationship Rules People Must Follow After Age 40
Dating in your midlife requires open and honest communication.
insta_photos | Shutterstock It used to be that if you didn't have a partner by the time you hit your 40s, you'd just have to deal with being on your own. Things are very different now and getting a second chance at love in midlife is a wonderful thing. It may even be your first time in a truly healthy, mutual relationship. Regardless, a few of the relationship "rules" are going to be different than when you were first dating.
Remember, you are far from the only person getting divorced who wants a fresh start! The American Psychological Association reports that the divorce rate among those over the age of 50 doubled between 1990 and 2010. Many of those who divorced reported an improvement in overall happiness, liberation from their ex-spouses, and increased independence and freedom. So enjoy all of those up-sides — with a few words of caution.
Here are 3 totally different relationship rules people must follow after age 40:
1. Don't let your 'shoulds' interfere
This stereotype might not be true for you, but it is for many people: As you get older, you accumulate a lot of beliefs about "the way things should be". But you've had experience now, and you may have formed strong opinions of what is right and wrong, what is proper and what is not. So don't let the "shoulds" you've amassed in your mind over the years stand in the way of your happiness.
For example, even if you are liberal-minded, you may be worried about what others will think of you for living with your partner instead of getting married — something that research shows is increasingly common among older couples. Or, maybe you're worried what they'll think of you moving on so quickly after a divorce.
When worries and fears like this come up, acknowledge them. Notice them and ask yourself if you truly agree with the "shoulds" that are dragging you down. Communicate with your partner about how you are feeling and keep focusing on what is most important to you.
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2. Be upfront with your family
Many who are over 50 have families to consider. Some still have teenagers living at home, college students to whom they lend support, or even grandchildren they help care for.
This is part of the reason why it can get confusing and complicated to be in a new relationship as you get older. But, the benefits of feeling loved, loving a partner who is right for you, and being happier and more alive are well worth the potential complications.
It's best to be as honest and upfront as you can with your kids, and other family members, about what is going on between you and your partner. Don't try to hide the fact that you have fallen in love. This will only cause tension, mistrust, and hurt feelings.
If you decide to move in together and tell your family about your plans, you don't have to justify your decision or be defensive about it. If this will directly affect their lives, address those specific issues. Be open to questions and offer answers that are factual and to the point.
3. Be clear about expectations
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An important thing to do with your partner, especially if you are moving in together, is to come to some clear and conscious agreements.
Talk about money, financial boundaries, and how you will split expenses. If you or your partner have children who live at home, address your expectations and boundaries.
It may already be understood between you and your partner that you are monogamous, or that you have an open relationship. Check-in with one another to make sure you are both still in agreement.
Whether you move in together, live separately, date non-exclusively, or decide to get married, be sure to communicate honestly and openly.
Susie and Otto Collins are Certified Transformative Coaches who help awaken love and possibilities in your life.