Why Women Who Dump Nice Guys End Up Alone
Dumping the nice one might mean you dumped The One.
martin-dm, Nuna Wwoofy | Canva You're dating a good person but are unsure if they are the one. Frankly, you’re a little overwhelmed by their enthusiasm for you.
A lover who thinks you’re the most wonderful woman in the world will feel like they've won big. They'll work harder to keep you happy, and you’ll be less likely to stray. That’s not to say they're sitting there and feeding you chocolate bonbons forever. Eventually, you’ll have to make them a priority, too.
Emotionally, you might not be there yet. So, should you stick around to see how it plays out?
Here's why women who dump nice guys end up alone:
1. Nice guys can be good for long-term success
When one person is more dutiful to the other person, it can bode well for long-term success. I’m living proof.
Once upon a time, I dated a guy who sent me a teddy bear after our third date. It was wearing a superhero costume, and on it was printed the nickname he had given me on our second date.
Was this too much, too soon? It freaked me out.
If I told him I was free, he would drop his plans at the last minute to see me. He always called and texted, even though I’d wait hours (or sometimes days) to get back to him. I thought, “Whoa, dude. Pump the brakes.” I even went on one or two dates in an attempt to cut things off, but each time, I found myself enjoying his company immensely.
But our timelines were off. I was newly single, and he was 100 percent available.
Because I liked him, I decided to be upfront that he was moving too fast. I told him I could see it going somewhere but wasn't ready for an exclusive boyfriend-girlfriend title. We agreed to be open about our emotions as we continued getting to know each other.
2. They know how to talk about complex feelings.
I was used to boys who played games. But now, I was dating a man who could talk about his feelings. Finally!
Within a few months, I was completely smitten. I found myself giving back equally. I’ll fast forward to the end of this love story ... we got engaged on the anniversary of our first date, and now, we are happily married!
I’m sharing my experience with you so you can keep an open mind that your new, unbalanced relationship is not doomed.
3. They are available for love.
What’s holding you back or turning you off? Is it something about them, or is it something about you? If it’s them, talk about it — even if it’s uncomfortable. If it’s you, you may need to change your attitude.
How do you want to be treated? You likely have not been allowing yourself to feel the love you deserve. If you’ve ever chased a person, you know what I mean.
Here’s some breaking news: The available lover is ALWAYS better than the one that's not. Have you ever lamented about how you hate playing games, only to be sucked into the thrilling drama of the person who keeps you guessing?
4. They make you a priority.
While sometimes women say they want to be cherished and doted on, many continue to fall for the “bad one”. It's fun and mysterious. But the excitement of landing the unavailable person is fleeting — after you do, you’re just left with someone emotionally immature underneath all the games.
You deserve more. You deserve someone who makes you a priority, calls when they say they will, is excited to introduce you to their friends and family, and happily makes plans with you.
Have you ever considered what the hard-to-get lover would be like to date or marry? Once they finally decide to commit, some mysterious qualities become bad partner qualities.
Do you want to be with someone inconsistent, elusive, and emotionally inexpressive? I didn’t think so.
4. They have the core traits you want.
So before you close the door on a person who PURSUES you confidently and makes their desire for a committed relationship known, consider their core traits.
Are they going to be the ones who can communicate their feelings? They will always let you know what page they are on. They will be the one to show up with flowers “just because” well after the honeymoon stage is over — and they will be your biggest fan.
5. All their details check out.
If you’re still not sold on giving this nice one a real chance, and you're wondering whether or not you should keep investing your time in this relationship — ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you enjoy kissing them, or does it repulse you slightly?
2. When something good or bad happens, do you immediately think of sharing this news with them?
3. On the rare occasion they don’t call or text, are you disappointed or relieved?
4. Do they make you laugh?
5. Do you hop on the phone to say goodnight, but before you know it, you have been chatting for hours?
6. Are you continuously surprised by how much fun you have on your dates?
7. Do you feel lucky to have them?
8. Do things feel easy with them?
9. Do they bring out the best in you? Do you like yourself around them?
10. Are you proud to have them on your arm?
11. If they ended things tomorrow, would you wonder what could have developed?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, you should stick it out and give it more time.
I also suggest talking through some of your reservations directly with them. How they handle these conversations says a lot about how they will handle future conflicts in the relationship. These discussions can also increase your emotional intimacy — making you feel more connected.
Will you ever know the potential if you don’t give it a fair chance by putting both feet into this new relationship? It will either blossom or fall flat. If it fails, you can break up. That’s not the end of the world.
My take-home advice is to be wary of ruling them out too quickly. They may just be “The One.”
Samantha Burns is a licensed counselor, dating coach, and the love guru behind the free worksheet Reframing My Negative Thoughts About Love.