6 Frustratingly Real Differences Between How Men And Women Communicate
Why is it so frustrating trying to talk to your partner?
pixelshot | Canva Men and women are different in many ways. They see the world through completely different perspectives. The key to understanding their differences is in the way that men and women communicate. Here are six important communication differences that you should be aware of.
Here are 6 frustratingly real differences between how men and women communicate:
1. Why talk?
He believes communication should have a clear purpose. Behind every conversation is a problem that needs solving or a point that needs to be made. Communication is used to get to the root of the dilemma as efficiently as possible. She uses communication to discover how she is feeling and what it is she wants to say. She sees conversation as an act of sharing and an opportunity to increase intimacy with her partner. Through sharing, she releases negative feelings and solidifies her bond with the man she loves.
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2. How much should you say?
He prioritizes productivity and efficiency in his daily life, and conversation is no exception. When he tells a story he has already sorted through the muck in his head, and shares only those details that he deems essential to the point of the story. He might wonder, "Why do women need to talk as much as they do?" Often he will interrupt a woman once he has heard enough to offer a solution. She uses communication to explore and organize her thoughts — to discover the point of the story. She may not know what information is necessary or excessive until the words come spilling out. But a woman isn't necessarily searching for a solution when she initiates a conversation. She's looking for someone to listen to and understand what she's feeling.
3. What does it mean to listen?
He is conditioned to listen actively. When a woman initiates conversation he assumes she is seeking his advice or assistance. He engages with the woman, filtering everything she's saying through the lens of, "What can we do about this?" Learning to listen patiently — not just passively — doesn't come easily to him. She sees conversation as a productive end in and of itself. If she feels sufficiently heard or understood she may not need to take further action to resolve a problem or "make things better." The fact that she has been listened to assuages her anxieties and dulls the pangs of negative feelings. Sharing with someone who understands and loves her heals her from the inside and equips her with the emotional tools necessary to handle the trials and tribulations of the outside world.
4. When she is feeling down …
He will want to tackle her problems head-on, like a fireman. He feels impatient to put the fire out as quickly as possible. For him, the quickest way to put the fire out is by giving solutions. Because he wants so badly to provide for his spouse, he may take her mood personally and defend himself. He might hear things literally, not realizing that when his spouse is upset she will use words as tools to explore and express difficult emotions. She, by using words as tools to explore and express her difficult emotions when she is upset, can process her negative emotions and let them go. She values support and nurture and is most fulfilled by sharing, cooperation, and community. When he shows interest in her by asking caring questions or expressing heartfelt concerns she feels loved and cared for. He is fulfilling her first primary love need.
5. When he is feeling down …
He will often withdraw into his "cave" (becoming quiet and withdrawn) when he's upset or stressed. A man's "cave time" is like a short vacation: he reduces stress by forgetting about his problems and focusing on other things like watching television, reading the newspaper, or playing video games. He might avoid communication with his spouse during times of duress. If she persists with nurturing questions or criticism, he withdraws even further, fearing that his partner doesn't trust him to take care of business on his own. However, with her support and understanding, a man will return and be more emotionally available, caring, and loving.
She might interpret her spouse's silence as a sign that she is failing him or that she's losing him. She instinctively tries to nurture him through his problems by asking an abundance of caring questions. Or she may react defensively out of fear that her own need for healthy open communication is not being respected within the relationship. Ultimately, she can do more for him by appreciating his space, which shows him that she trusts him to work out the problem on his own. Trusting is one of the greatest gifts she has to offer him. In the meantime, she should do something nurturing for herself, so she won't resent him when he emerges from his "cave time."
6. Communication breaks down when …
He feels like he's being told what to do. The most important thing to a man is doing a good job. When his competence is questioned, he'll not only feel hurt, but he'll throw up a wall of resistance, and communication begins to break down. He thrives in an environment where he's the expert. Rather than being told, "You should do X" he is likely to respond better to, "What do you think of X?" The trick to improving him is to resist telling him what to do. She hears from her spouse that her problems aren't as real and pressing as they seem at that very moment. Her spouse may mistakenly think he's helping provide "reality checks" like: "You're making a mountain out of a molehill" or "You're getting overly emotional about it." To her, it feels like he is attempting to minimize her feelings or talk her out of having them.
Men and women desire to satisfy their partners, but they may miss the mark because it is truly difficult to understand and accept our partner's different ways of communication. Men and women need education on these differences to help their relationships, so they do not end up in a frustrated state of resentment and feel stuck. If a couple is feeling stuck, I suggest they read or listen to couples' self-help books together. If the couple still feels stuck, then they should always seek professional counseling and get back on the road to better understanding and communication.
Richard Drobnik, LCSW, DCSW, is the Director at Mars & Venus Counseling Center in Teaneck, NJ.