If You're Ashamed Of Getting Divorced, Here's 11 Reasons You Shouldn't Be
Fear not, you are one courageous woman.
fizkes / Shutterstock Saying the word ‘divorce’ doesn’t even sound that nice and generally, it’s not something to yell from the rooftop or go and celebrate, or is it? Let alone having to experience a D.I.V.O.R.C.E first hand.
The whole ‘stigma’ that is so-called ‘attached’ to the "D" word can sometimes have a mama feeling a little ashamed. She’s failed at marriage, at being a good wife, feels guilty for letting down the little people.
Being a wife and mother is something that you dream about and plan for a very long time. It’s a role you are born to innately do.
Back in the day, when said vows were written mid-16th Century, we were getting married in our late teens and only living another decade or two if we were lucky. Hang on a red-hot-second, what century are we living in now?
Now, we are living the dream until into our 80’s and 90’s. That’s a big difference in decades to be happily married for better or worse. Then, "'til death does us part" happens.
No wonder why so many of us are getting divorced. We live much, much longer, and as people with this wonderful reality we live in now, we have the whole world at our fingertips to see, dream, and explore.
The world sure has changed a lot in a few hundred or so years since those archaic wedding vows were originally written.
Now don’t get me wrong, being a proud divorcee and all, I still love the idea of a committed relationship, and perhaps someday, another walk down the aisle.
Is it any wonder the statistics are so high for the average 50 percent of first marriages ending in divorce and then the second marriages average 70 percent ending in divorce also?
What is there really to be ashamed of anyway?
Whenever I think ‘shame’, then I must read what my ‘go-to person’ researcher, Dr. Brene Brown says about it: "Shame is about feeling bad for who you are as a person."
That’s a big burden to bear if you were to take on that feeling of shame for your marriage ending in divorce.
Are you really a bad person? I think otherwise. We all do the best we can with what we have at the time and even if that means leaving a marriage or feeling like you were left.
With that in mind, there is absolutely no reason for feeling ashamed for getting divorced and here’s why:
1. It ain't easy to just get over it.
Divorce is one of the most stressful life events ever, next to someone actually dying. The only thing is that you go through a similar grief cycle and yet, the person you are grieving, is still alive. (Not that we want them dead, no really, we don’t.)
Know that "what is for you, won't go past you."
2. The business side of divorce is daunting for anyone.
The great unknown. What do you do next? Who do you trust and reach out to first? What are your legal rights? How much is this going to cost?
Seeing your lawyer or mediator for the first time is very fricken' daunting. No one alone can really be prepared for the conversations you are about to have around finances and parenting. Know that what you fear to face needs to be dealt with.
3. You will learn more about yourself.
This is life's biggest learning curve. If there’s ever a time in your life you are going to learn more about someone else, other family and friends and, more importantly, your fine self, this is the time.
You will question and second guess pretty much everything. What does marriage mean? Where did you go wrong (you didn’t, by the way)? How could this happen to you? You get the drift. There’s a fair chance you’ll see the good, the bad, and ugly in some people’s behavior also. Know that there are lessons to be learned.
4. You are showing your children the reality of relationships.
When D-day comes around to legally dissolve the marriage, the fact is that you are still in a relationship with your former partner until death do you part (those vows again!) when there are children involved.
You will have to see each other and you will have to talk to each other. You will bite your tongue more than you’d want to. You will be setting an example for your children, remember that. Know that loving your former partner, allows you to fully love your children.
5. You are broken open but you will heal.
Most of us have some idea that marriage isn’t what you signed up for anymore. Counseling didn’t work (well, we can’t always blame that, that’s another story). You are pretty much feeling alone and confused. Your world has been shaken upside down and inside out. Who do you even trust?
Then, you pick yourself up, you rise, and you live many more days because no one dies of divorce.
6. You can rebuild your life.
Many women I’ve spoken to have had to go back to full-time work to support their families. However, some have been out of work for so long they have to learn a new skill for a completely new industry.
Financially, it can take a lot longer for a woman to rebuild and re-establish herself and her career. All while juggling the little people, dealing with the role of solo parent, and having a life. Not only is divorce a financial rebuild, but it's also a confidence do-over.
7. You can redefine your identity.
You’ve gone from a Mrs. to a Ms., married to separated and then divorced (or unmarried, as I prefer to say). The other half to the ex. Half the family as you knew it may now be the outlaws. The ring comes off and sometimes the gloves go on.
Who are you? You may wonder. Your family now looks different, your place for love. What happens to the home, your place for safety. What will everyone think or say about you?
You are amazing and you are enough. Your identity, on a subconscious level, has had a bit of a shakeup. Redefine who you are and set some new standards.
8. Sharing care of the children means more free time.
Dealing with time away from your children can be one of the hardest things for both parents to deal with. Different or new rules in the other home for the little people and then different and new people too.
What happens when your little people aren’t with you? You have no control over it, so you need to let go of that, which can be challenging for some women. Then, to figure out what to do with the time by yourself? Look at the flip side, what fun can you get up to in that time to fill up your cup?
9. You learn the "C" word.
Concede is what I mean. Maybe you’ve had to concede on a few things, like who gets the house or the car, who lives where and does what. There is generally no ‘fair’ ground in divorce, only what is ‘just and equitable.
When you let go of the resistance, the push and pull of the tug-o-war, there is no more war. Maybe there is more peace?
10. You learn forgiveness.
We master the art of forgiveness so that the peace we are looking for has room to reside in our body, mind, soul, and hearts. We let go of anger and we choose to be the bigger person, to take some emotional control and find our own inner happiness.
11. You can start over.
Life begins again. In time you’ll be ready. You’ll get out there and experience all the fun, the things you never did, tick off bucket list items. You’ll get more social and live the life you are meant to have.
Can you see how a divorced woman has absolutely zero to be ashamed of? Divorce will shake you up, bring you down, and then have you rise one more time, just to see what you’re made of.
Sometimes, it will be a clean break and not too much mess to pick up from. I wish that for you and your little people.
Either way, there are stuff and all sorts to deal with and a woman who goes through any, all, or more of the above and lives to smile another day, is someone to be proud of.
It takes courage to end one relationship, so you can go on and find a better one with the person you see in the mirror.
It takes loving yourself more than the one you are married to because, in a way, you both deserve better, or different. You both deserve to be happy.
And that is OK.
There are 11 reasons why divorced women have nothing to be ashamed of and I am sure there’s another 11 or 11 times those reasons why divorced women have nothing to be ashamed of.
She’s a mother, a worker, maybe her own boss, she is the CEO of her home, she shops, she cleans, she fixes, she cooks, and she becomes the world’s best juggler.
A divorced woman is someone to be reckoned with.
Coming out the other side, she knows who she is and what she stands for. She knows the dark days and the light days. She knows fear and she knows love. She knows sorrow and she knows joy.
Renee Catt is the leading female expert relationship coach in Australia, specializing in before, during, and after separation and divorce issues.