The BRAVE, Radical Choice Women Must Make (If They Want To Find Real-Deal Love)

By Laura Menze, featured Radical Dating Coach

Relationships (of any kind: boss, client, brother, mother, partner, friend, etc.) are probably the biggest challenge we have to navigate in our lives.

They affect every single aspect of our lives and are not separate from our work; they’re intertwined. The things that happen in relationships at work trickle into your intimate relationships at home, and vice versa. Yet, what are we taught about how to be successful in relationships? Virtually nothing.

How did you learn about relationships?

Many of us went to college or a trade school to hone our career path. We learned as much as we could to navigate our chosen industry. Why? So we could be successful.

But how did you learn about relationships? TV, movies, the school of hard knocks; your parents?

If relationships are such a large and important part of living a full life, why aren’t we educated, even a little bit, in how to be successful in them? Why isn’t it a part of our educational system and/or why isn’t there a resource for us to become more educated and therefore, more successful?

There is a resource everyone should know about: relationship coaching for singles and couples.

Many singles love the program and the process that’s offered to them by relationship coaches. It makes sense and excites them to be able to learn how to navigate dating and relationships in a way that feels right for them and provides them with a successful outcome when followed.

However, there’s an unspoken shame in hiring a relationship coach.

There’s a saboteur in most of us that says, “What’s wrong with me? I should be able to navigate this stuff on my own. I don’t need someone to help me with dating and relationships!”

This comes from a place of fear of how others might judge them. My blunt response to this kind of thought process is, “Well, how has navigating it by yourself been working for you? How much time has passed with unsuccessful results?”

The typical response is the reality that it’s not working and there hasn’t been a successful outcome.

Of course it’s not working. It’s hard to see yourself objectively and notice the things that aren’t working or in alignment with who you are, especially if you’re not being conscious about them. Ultimately, singles are downright frustrated and tired of the dating roller coaster and don’t know what to do or where to turn.

Radical Dating, our new TV show, and the coaching program behind it forced each client to take a good, long, hard look at their thought habits or beliefs.

It required participants to gain objectivity, clarity, and awareness of what they were thinking, believing, and feeling, and what they were actually doing on dates that weren't serving them. The program allowed them to make some conscious choices about what they want for themselves and how they truly want to shift their way of being for a successful outcome.

After all, the common denominator in the frustrating dates or the failed relationships is them. They are the only common denominator, and that is where their power to change their love life lies.

But it truly requires commitment.

Each client needs to be truly committed to the process, doing their work and committed to finding their partner.

Those who have consciously chosen to do whatever it takes to find love do actually find it! Those who kind of sort of muddle along in learning, growing, gaining objectivity and clarity, and aren’t fully engaged will fail.

Part of that commitment is also about acknowledging the baggage you’ve been carrying around, unpacking it, and giving up whatever isn’t useful anymore.

These are typically past experiences that have become beliefs. These beliefs are then sometimes projected onto potential mates or situations. These are beliefs that aren’t useful in helping you find, create, and keep an amazing relationship. They need to be given up and new, limitless beliefs need to be put in place.

Would you marry you?

After all, if you were asking someone else to marry you, wouldn’t it be important for you to want to marry you, too? Do you love your life or are you waiting for someone to come along and make your life better off to begin living life?

Life needs to be lived whether you have your ideal partner or not, so creating and living a life that you love — whether or not you are sharing that with anyone — is crucial to your success. Otherwise, you're just waiting for someone else to save you from yourself.

What are you like when you go on a date?

Are you keeping a scorecard and checking off the items on your partner wish list? What is your energy saying about you as you sit across the table from this person?

What energy would you want to feel if you were sitting across from you? It’s simple. Be loving.

Energy is felt whether or not it is spoken. If you are nervous, you probably won’t say anything, but others can feel it. So if a potential partner can feel your energy regardless of the words coming out of your mouth, what energy would you want them to receive from you?

Loving, thoughtful, understanding energy feels safe and when people feel safe, they tend to open up and show you much more of themselves. It also allows you to focus on them and your anxiety or nervousness virtually disappears.

Are you clear about the beliefs and/or values you must share with a partner?

Are you clear about the things that you are unable to be flexible about (deal breakers) and those that have some slight flexibility? This is an important distinction.

If you are unconscious about these things and/or unconscious about your level of flexibility, you will more than likely look the other way or continue to move forward with a relationship. This will happen even though these important things were not in alignment with yours, and that avoidance will eventually destroy a relationship — especially if it was a deal breaker that you chose to break.

Religion, children, and money are usually areas where deal breakers are crucial. Knowing these things about yourself upfront will save you a great deal of time wasted in a relationship that wasn’t right for you in the first place (and a great deal of heartbreak).

Those who embark on this journey to change their love lives must also have the courage and willingness to step outside of their box.

They have the courage to examine their baggage and get rid of whatever isn’t working for them, and they have the courage to try new beliefs and be open to new ways of looking at things.

They are also willing to step outside of their box by trying new activities and adventures, like salsa dancing, rope courses, car shows, golf, etc. 

Finally, they have the courage to hop on that dating roller coaster again. Those who do this inner work with courage find out that the dating roller coaster no longer has loops, twists, and turns, but tends to smooth out like a kiddie ride and not be so scary anymore, which makes it much easier to stay on the ride and actually enjoy it!

Anyone can do this inner work on their own. However, if you’ve chosen this as your reason not to hire a coach, it’s a safe bet that you have likely given into your own fears and/or sabotaged yourself.

Not to mention that it will take you years to achieve what you could have achieved in only a few months with a well-trained coach.

Coaches are trained to help you get to your own truth and uncover the answers that are right for you. They don’t give advice. They don’t judge. They help you find what works for you.

They are also keen to notice when you are sitting in fear and/or sabotaging yourself so that you have awareness around this and can make conscious choices accordingly. You can always learn new things on your own, but the expertise of a well-trained coach can completely help you to get out of your own way and move forward toward what you want for yourself much faster.

That’s why coaches hire coaches for themselves!

That’s why successful sports celebrities have a coach. It’s part of what makes them so successful.

What’s Your Radical Choice?

It’s time to change your own game and take a radically new approach to dating.

As you watch the series, you will see some of your own hurdles in these real people who may have similar experiences. Take comfort in knowing there is a radical new way of removing these hurdles and ultimately create a life that you love so that you are finally enjoying it with the love of your life!

Written in partnership with Radical Dating. Learn more about Radical Dating here.