The Good Girl's Guide To Kicking Up The Kink (You NEED This!)

When it comes to having a fabulous, fulfilling sex life, one of the golden rules is "never say never." Yet many people can't imagine themselves participating in so-called "kinky" sex.

Wait, perhaps they DO imagine themselves having kinky sex — fantasizing about things like erotic spanking, bondage and rough sex — but they will never admit it out loud or (gasp!) actually ask their lover to make their fantasies a reality.

Here's the truth; kink is for everyone! You don't have to identify as kinky to enjoy kinky sex, and you don't have to do anything painful, humiliating or degrading in order to enjoy the erotic benefits. If you're ready to explore sexuality that's a little outside the box, read on!

Here are 6 steps to get started exploring safe, pleasurable, arousing and kinky sex!

1. Define What Kink Means To You

Kinky sex is an umbrella term that covers everything from a playful erotic spanking to being whipped while strung up in bondage. What's kinky to one person is totally neutral to the next.

So the first step in exploring kink is to start fantasizing. We do NOT recommend searching online for ideas — the images you'll get are super intense, brutal and possibly even abusive. Instead, turn inward and explore your erotic imagination. Start by exploring any ideas that feel exciting, risky and possibly a little bit scary.

Imagine yourself getting a good erotic spanking. Visualize yourself tied up in erotic bondage, unable to escape your trusted lover's touch. Think about being in total control, commanding your lover who is eagerly obeying your every demand.

What turns you on? Take your time and explore all the possibilities, and notice what's most thrilling to YOU! If you need help tapping into the power of your erotic imagination? Our book The Fantasy Method is an interactive guide to exploring your fantasies and naming your authentic desires. 

2. Give Yourself Permission To Do Naughty Things

We're all part of a culture that tells us that "good girls" don't have kinky sex. "Bad girls" are the ones who enjoy rough sex, domination, a little bit of intensity and a whole lot of fun in their sex lives.

Many women feel torn between wanting to act "good" while also enjoying sex. It's time  to dissolve this false divide once and for all. Your morality is NOT defined by what you enjoy sexually, as long as it's safe, consensual and fun for everyone involved. You can get spanked and howl with orgasmic delight, and guess what? You're still a wholesome, good hearted woman!

So take the leap and give yourself permission to enjoy a wider range of erotic explorations without moral judgment. Liking submission in the bedroom doesn't mean you're weak. In fact, most people who crave erotic submission are quite powerful and responsible in their everyday lives! If you feel any shame or guilt about wanting to explore kink, think about the messages that have created that shame for you and choose to start giving yourself permission to enjoy freedom, knowing that you're a good person and have the right to experience more pleasure!

3. Get Specific About What You Want

The more specific you are about the erotic experience you want to have, the more likely you are to enjoy it and find it fulfilling. Getting specific means figuring out what will and will not happen, and how you want to feel during your kinky explorations.

As we were developing our video guide to erotic spanking, we found that most people think about spanking as painful, rough and uncaring. The truth is, erotic spanking is tender, loving and purely pleasurable! It all depends on how you approach it and what you ask for.

This is where getting specific is crucial. If you just ask your lover to spank you, they might think you want it rough and hard. But if you ask for a gentle, slow spanking combined with a lot of butt massage, kissing and a slow build up to more intensity, you'll have a really different experience! Like the rest of life, when you ask for what you truly want, you're much more likely to get it!

4. Ask Your Lover To Try New Things

After you've fantasized freely and decided what kind of kinky sex you want to experience, it's time to ask your lover to experiment with you. This is a challenging step. We recommend starting with a general conversation. On a walk or after dinner, just casually say "I read this article the other day and it was talking about how many women enjoy getting spanked. What do you think about that?" Then your conversation isn't as charged as if you had said "Hey, want to spank me this weekend?"

See how your lover responds, challenge any assumptions they might have and go from there. If they seem open to it, you can then get more personal and mention you might want to try it out. Keep these conversations playful, flirtatious and exciting! The more you can openly talk about your sex life, the better sex you will have together, guaranteed!

5. Take Baby Steps

Once you and your lover have agreed to try some element of kink together, start slowly. Don't get tied up, blindfolded, gagged, spanked, pierced and flogged all in one encounter! Introduce one element of kinky sex at a time so you can figure out how you respond to each new introduction.

For example, if you're interested in erotic spanking, bondage, nipple clamps and domination, you may want to start by getting tied up. Let your lover put you in light bondage and then tease and pleasure you. See how that feels. Next time, maybe you want your partner to tie you up and then spank you lightly. If you like that, you can add in nipple clamps. If you discover one thing was way hotter in fantasy than in reality, you can cross it off your list and continue to happily explore kinky sex without thinking you're "just not into it!" 

6. Always Keep It Safe

Now you're well on your way to exploring the vast terrain of kinky sex. As you explore, it's tempting to try more intense activities. Continue to go slowly and know when to seek outside help. Erotic bondage with leather cuffs is perfectly safe to try out at home, but if you want to try rope bondage and suspension you'll need more training! No sexual thrill is worth compromising your safety.

Only try kinky sex with trusted lovers, never with strangers! Any activity that may cause injury is worth getting further training; look up local BDSM groups for resources, workshops and conferences where you can learn new skills, if needed. But remember that there's so much exploring you can do in the kinky sex realm that's totally safe and thrilling — no special equipment needed!

Kink is something everyone can explore and enjoy — no matter who you are in your everyday life. We all crave intensity, novelty and excitement. If you give yourself permission to gently start exploring what kinds of kinky sex you might enjoy, you reinvigorate your sex life and make your relationship a whole lot more interesting and fulfilling! 

Have any questions? We offer free personal sex advice! Head over to PleasureMechanics.com and Ask Us Anything! Ready to experience your full erotic potential? The Pleasure Mechanics videos and ebooks are your source for proven techniques for more sexual pleasure.  Special Offer just for YourTango readers! Use the code YourTango on the second page of checkout to receive 20% off any of our foreplay mastery or couples massage video guides!