Who Determines Your Worth?

We all have the power to determine our own self-worth and yet so many of us base our worth on the opinions and thoughts of other people and outside circumstances. I believe a lack of self-worth resides at the very core of all our insecurities.  It’s a loop where a lack of self-worth creates insecurity and insecurity further lowers our ideas about ourselves. Once in this cycle, it can be very challenging to think differently and to develop the confidence to focus on changing our minds about ourselves.

When we are not in touch with our worth our lives are run by feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. We are never sure of our position in our relationships and we have the fear that underneath everyone’s niceness to us is the truth of their dislike for us. Because a lack of self-worth creates fears of abandonment we often unconsciously turn to people-pleasing as a way to maintain love. When we do not know our worth we have no internal compass to direct us in our lives, and therefore we base all of who we are on the needs, directions and desires of someone else. We are consistently waiting for love from outside rather than figuring out how garner love and approval from within. This is an incredibly painful way to live because it is a life lived out of waiting for love and security rather than actively creating love and security. Let us first identify the signs of low self-worth and then move immediately into starting our change process!

Signs that we are suffering from low self-worth:

*Constantly comparing ourselves to other people and seeing ourselves as not measuring up.
*Basing our opinion of ourselves on how we think others perceive us.
*Allowing less than desirable treatment in relationships.
*Having poor body image.
*The need for constant reassurance from others that we are smart, attractive or lovable.
*Caring more about what others think of us than what we think of ourselves.
*Desperate for love, and loving all the wrong people.
*Always putting others before ourselves
*Consumed with feelings of guilt and fear.
*Feeling as if we owe people something for their kindness.
*Attracting noncommittal relationships.
*Unable to make decisions out of the fear of upsetting someone else.
*Suffering from the feeling that others are always mad at or talking about us.
*Justifying being treated in substandard ways even though our partner’s poor treatment is hurting us.
*Letting other people determine our moods.
*Living in a constant state of waiting to know what our plans are based upon what others want.
*Jealousy.
*The use of being controlling or manipulating in relationships to feel a sense of power.

There is no joy in living this way. The lack of self-worth creates a neediness that interferes with our ability to make our lives and relationships work in a functional way. When we read this list and we see that most of that is true for us, we also can see that we are turned off by our own behavior. Internally we know this is not attractive and it makes us feel unattractive. Having this insight is the signal letting us know that we need to change this pattern in order to develop a stronger sense of self-worth. Each item on the list is what I call a “don’t want.” A don’t-want is a great experience to have because these help get us clear on how we no longer want to feel behave or think. To effect change we have to look at each don’t-want and find it’s positive opposite and learn to think, feel and behave toward what we Do Want. Let’s transform this list.

Constantly comparing ourselves to other people and seeing ourselves as not measuring up.
There is only one of me and here is a list of my gifts (make your list now).
My gifts are not the same as others, they are uniquely mine.

Basing our opinion of ourselves on how we think others perceive us.
My thoughts, opinions, values and beliefs have value and in sharing them I let people know who I am and who I am not. This helps me to believe in myself.

Desperate for love, and loving all the wrong people.
I am lovable enough to find the right person and I will no longer settle for less. If I am
not finding good love then I am not giving myself good enough love. I will start loving me
and putting myself first.

Poor body image
My beauty is in my control. I have the power to be as beautiful as I want to be inside and out. I will take advantage of all choices available to me to become someone I am proud to be.

The need for constant reassurance from others that we are smart, attractive or lovable.
I am committed to being active in my life and to achieve my goals so my internal rewards fulfill me from within and no longer make me dependent upon needing it from others. I am smart, beautiful and active in my life.

Caring more about what others think of us than what we think of ourselves.
The only opinion of me that matters is my opinion of myself. If I do not like myself then I need to change. The way to change is to be as active in my life with my passions as possible. I will make that commitment today.

Always putting others before ourselves

I will say yes when I want to say yes and no-thank-you when I need to say no. This wayI have boundaries and am making statements of who I am around what I like and don’t like.This gives me a stronger identity. The stronger I am in my own identity the better I will feel.

Consumed with feelings of guilt and fear.
As long as I become my own emotional determiner and worth-provider I will be safe in the world.

Feeling as if you owe people something for their kindness
I am lovable enough to receive. Today I will start receiving compliments, gifts, and other rewards because I am lovable enough to receive them.

Settling for noncommittal relationships
if someone will not commit to me it is more about their lack than mine. I will move on from these people and practice being totally committed to me in my own life.

Unable to make decisions out of the fear of upsetting someone else
My decisions are a statement of who I am. I will use courage to dismantle my fear and make decisions that are in the natural flow of how I feel and think.

Suffering from the feeling that others are always mad at or talking about us
If I don’t like me it will be hard for others to like me. If I change this about myself then it will follow that others will change their opinions of me too.

Justifying being treated in substandard ways even though our partner’s poor treatment is hurting us.
I will no longer accept poor treatment in my life by others. I am committed to letting go of people who do not have my best interest at heart, in support of the love I have for myself.

Letting other people determine our moods.
My happiness is now 100% my responsibility. I am committed to being in my own authentic mood. Other people’s moods are not my responsibility.

Living in a constant state of waiting to know what plans are based upon what others want
I am the captain of my own ship and I will initiate plans and follow through with them.

Jealousy.
I will turn my jealousy into envy. I will envy qualities that I see, study them, see them as gifts to practice new behaviors and become what I envy. This will expand me as person and eliminate my jealousy.

The use of being controlling in relationships to feel a sense of power
Because I am no longer needy I do not need to engage in controlling behavior to receive love, rather, I will shine from within and I will entice love towards me.

If we take an active look at our minds and our emotions we can see that we have the choice to control both. If we think in the positive we are engaging in high quality thought. High quality thoughts produce positive and rational feelings. If we think in low quality thoughts we will produce feelings of lack and fear. We will fear there is not enough love, enough money, enough success or enough time. Therefore, we must actively get involved with our thoughts and emotions.

Our self-worth requires daily commitment. We so easily commit to others, to pleasing them, to spending time with them etc., yet many of us leave ourselves and our own desires to the wayside. To be someone who can determine our own self-worth, we have to get actively involved in our own lives. We need to fill our lives up with love. This means we need to do the things that we love whatever those things are for each of us. We each need a certain amount of alone time to connect with our inner worlds each day. We each need to be committed to be the best person we can be physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. These commitments, when we are actively involved with them will change our lives, our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves.

Little Life Message: If we are active in our lives, we will be happy in our lives.