How Setting Boundaries Can Make Your Relationships Stronger Than Ever (And 4 Ways To Do It Right)
Boundaries are hard, but necessary for a healthy relationship.
by Pedro Sandrini from Pexels It is through a connection that you feel part of the world and feel special to someone in your life. However, you can become so close that you may lose yourself or risk losing authenticity.
Saying no or setting boundaries says, “This is who I am, and what I want or need from you, who I really care about.” Setting boundaries gives you a sense of autonomy and is a key aspect of having healthy relationships. In addition, it allows you to show up as your authentic self.
Your partner, friend, family members or boss may be critical or be unaware of what is going on in your life. Sometimes they may be intrusive or be unable to understand that you too have needs in the relationship.
Bosses or friends may try to be helpful in ways that don’t really help. A boundary promotes both of you to be your better self. These four suggestions will give you some ideas about setting boundaries and building better relationships.
1. Don’t just react
Think and determine what is the underlying issue.
Ask yourself why you feel angry, diminished or anxious. This allows you to identify what is happening and whether you need to set a boundary or if there is a different choice.
You cannot choose your feelings, but you can choose how you react to those feelings.
2. Be positive in setting your boundaries
Approach the conversation to set a boundary or discussion with unconditional positive regard.
Let the person or persons know that you care about them and know that they care about you. The conversation opening should be one of respect and love. Not “When you do this I am really angry or it hurts me,” etc.
First, let the person know that you care about them and their feelings too. A boundary can be set with someone you love, a family member, parents, coworkers, and even your boss. Mutual regard is simply approaching the conversation on a level playing field.
3. State your feeling or boundary simply
You don’t need to justify why you have a boundary, simply say I need you to hear me and understand this is what I need. Use “I” language. This owns the feelings and doesn’t place blame on someone else.
You are simply stating that this is what you need and want in the relationship.
4. Acknowledge that it isn’t up for negotiation
And that it is what you need from them.
Check-in with yourself, before you approach the conversation. Is it a boundary or are you trying to make the other person change? Remember that you can only control yourself. The other person’s reaction and feelings are their responsibility.
If they have trouble with the boundary or want to talk about it simply ask them to take some time and think about it before they give you an opinion, negotiate or try to change your mind.
Setting boundaries is just a way of letting others that you are connected to that you have needs and want certain things in the relationship. It is not blaming them for your situation or feelings.
Coaching can help you develop an understanding of where you can use boundaries and how to set a boundary without diminishing yourself or the other.
Pat Magerkurth is a life/business coach who studies women in the workplace. Contact her for a free consultation to determine if working together will help you move forward to make better decisions for your life and work.