Why Rebound Relationships Always Fail — And How To Avoid Making The Same Mistake Twice
Rebound relationships inevitably fail. Don't make the same mistake twice.
getty When a relationship ends, you may find yourself rushing to meet someone new wondering, “can new love heal a broken heart?”
If you're looking for a rebound relationship to fix your problems, you'll soon find out why rebound relationships almost always fail and rarely ever give you the closure and healing you need. So is there a way to make that kind of relationship last?
Heartbreak is one of the most painful experiences in life.
A relationship starts with so much hope. When it ends, it can feel like something inside of you has died.
You begin to question everything you thought you knew about love. You really connected with this person at the beginning, and now it’s over. Can you really trust your heart next time?
When a relationship ends, there are two different strategies that people use to try to move on with their lives:
- They swear off relationships for a while and either commit to abstinence or focus on dating with no strings attached.
- They jump into a relationship with someone who treats them better or differently than their ex.
The second option is often referred to as a "rebound relationship." Rebound relationships rarely last, but there's a way to approach a rebound relationship that leads to the lasting love you crave.
Why do most rebound relationships fail?
Heartbreak hurts. There's no getting around that. And since most people want to avoid pain, they make a decision that the next relationship will be different than the last one.
Did you frequently argue with your ex? You will look for someone who is easier to get along with.
Was your ex emotionally unavailable? Then you'll choose someone who is more expressive and emotionally demonstrative.
Was the chemistry off the charts, but you didn’t have anything in common? Nex time, you'll date someone who's more like you, even if a spark isn’t there.
Selecting someone who's the opposite of what you don’t want won't create lasting love.
Choosing partners different from your ex in order to avoid the problems of the past can leave you in a "lather, rinse, repeat" cycle.
Do you make any other decisions this way?
No one ever said, “I asked for a raise at my last job and I didn’t get it. Now I’m looking for a job where I don’t have to ask for a raise ever again.”
Can new love heal a broken heart?
Yes, when you grow through the experiences you’ve had and choose to love again anyway.
You can’t "create" love by focusing on what you don't want. With all of your attention on avoiding past hurts and disappointments, you think you’ll avoid the problems, but what you focus on grows.
Now all you see are people you’re trying to avoid. To make matters worse, you won’t be able to see your ideal match.
When you choose the opposite of what you don’t want, you end up in a “should” relationship.
"I should be with this person — my friends and family adore him."
"I should marry him, he'll be a great dad."
"I should give him a try because my heart always steers me wrong."
Meanwhile, you end up in a relationship where there's no chemistry and no driving desire to be with that person. You’re not living with your soulmate — you’re living with a roommate.
Unfortunately, that's not enough to make it through the challenges life inevitably throws your way. You can't settle for a lifetime with someone; it simply won’t last.
You can’t create from lack.
Have you ever said, “I can’t see myself doing that,” in reference to some daring activity? Something like jumping out of an airplane, or speaking in front of thousands of people, or going bungee jumping or zip-lining?
When you use that phrase, you're speaking a literal truth. You can’t create a picture in your mind of you taking that action, and so it feels improbable or impossible.
However, when you can see yourself taking one of those actions — literally creating a picture in your mind of you doing that thing — then it feels possible for it to happen. All that’s required is to decide to do it.
To go from a fuzzy picture of what you desire to being crystal clear on your soulmate relationship, there are concrete steps you can take that will produce the results you want.
Here are 6 ways to move past heartbreak so you can creating lasting love without ending up in a dead-end rebound relationship.
1. Take time to heal your heart.
Rebound relationships happen when you jump into a new relationship in order to avoid the pain of the breakup.
Give yourself time alone after a relationship ends instead of jumping into a new one.
2. Don't rush healing your heart.
The key to truly moving on from your old patterns and creating something new and better than you’ve experienced is giving yourself time.
3. Motivate either toward inspiration or away from discomfort.
With the latter, the intention is not really the goal, it’s comfort.
4. Part of your journey is to realize you are not broken.
The way you learned to “do” love is broken. The way you think about love is broken.
But you are not broken.
5. Don't choose what you don't want.
Choosing the opposite of what you don’t want is a strategy for avoiding pain.
6. Understand that you can’t choose love to avoid anguish.
Love is limitless. Love is inspiration. Avoiding pain is the opposite of that.
With your attempts to avoid feeling heartache, you’re still caught up in the pain. It’s the feeling that ties you to the past, leaving you destined to repeat your choices. This is why you think that there are no good or quality people, or whatever kind of person it is you are searching for.
In order to change your patterns when it comes to selecting a mate, you have to heal your heart. Otherwise, the past will continue to determine your future and you’ll be stuck in your old dance steps.
Choosing from your heart’s desire instead of avoiding pain is the answer.
Imagine that your heartache exists to teach you something in order for you to connect with your true love.
What if your ex is your teacher, so that you can grow to the next level in love? Would this change how you approach healing from that relationship?
Instead of becoming bitter about love, you could find gratitude that this person showed up in order for you to become better — to be prepared for your beloved soulmate.
This learning allows you to break through your patterns in love so you can create something entirely new: lasting love!
Ultimately, when your heart breaks, it breaks open to hold more love.
Feeling the pain will not kill you (despite what your brain might tell you). Emotion is there to inform you that something is wrong. Just like the pain, you may feel if you twist your ankle.
The signal of the pain is information. What you do with that information is generally an automatic response that occurs on auto-pilot. What if you could slow down that response time and make a new choice?
Learning to make new choices in your own behavior is the pathway to creating lasting love.
Just like learning to do anything new or differently, it takes time and practice. What if you could learn a new way to love?
You can change your internal GPS for love and change your destiny in love.
So, can love heal a broken heart? Yes: If you set the intention to do love differently.
Orna and Matthew Walters have been soulmate coaches for over a decade and helped thousands of readers create soul-lasting love. Download a complimentary copy of their e-book, "Recognizing Mr. Right," along with a guided program on self-acceptance on their website.