4 Steps To Getting Over Heartbreak And Learning To Love Again
Learn how to love more deeply than ever before.
getty When your heart is broken, it can feel like time is standing still. Every excruciating minute seems like an eternity.
Learning how to get over heartbreak can feel like the hardest thing you will ever do, because it feels like it will never end. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
When your heart breaks, it breaks open to receive more love — a deeper kind. So, take time to go through the heartbreak to discover the gold on the other side.
Time is your best friend.
Here are 4 steps to getting over heartbreak and learning to love again.
1. Feel your feelings — all of them.
As difficult as it may be, feeling all of your feelings is the key to getting to the other side of heartbreak. Resist the urge to ignore, soldier through, numb out, or eat up your feelings with a bowl of ice cream.
This is the sucky part that most people try to avoid. It’s true you're a spirit in a physical body. For some people, heartbreak feels just like physical pain.
Grant yourself the time necessary to heal just as if you have a broken limb. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion through the healing process.
Whether you feel sadness, hurt, shame, guilt, anger, or just an overwhelming sense of grief, feeling your feelings will allow them to flow through you.
Feelings are not static — they are energetic and temporary.
When you allow yourself to feel your feelings, you cause the emotion to crest and flow through you like an ocean wave with an ebb and flow. This allows space to be created for another emotion to enter your body.
Allow yourself to feel all of your feelings, no matter what they are. Indulge in feeling bad as best you can. Talk about your feelings to your friends, family, and co-workers who will listen.
For introverts, this may seem frightening. Schedule time to just sit and feel your feelings. Put on sad songs or a sad movie, and cry your eyes out.
It might feel like it will never end, but the only way out of your current state is to go through it.
2. Don't rush to forgiveness.
So many people rush to forgiveness as if it’s the express lane to feeling better. When you rush to forgiveness, you ignore the feelings of hurt and anger that come with the end of a relationship.
There's nothing wrong with your bad feelings. Feeling them does not make you a bad person — your emotional experience is part of your human experience.
Don’t bypass your negative emotions by rushing to forgiveness. You don’t receive brownie points by getting over heartbreak faster than anyone else.
Allow yourself to think and feel whatever comes up about your ex. Thinking evil thoughts does not make you an evil person, and also doesn’t mean that you should act on these thoughts.
There's nothing wrong with entertaining your thoughts before letting them go.
It is best to cut off any communication with your ex, unless you have children or business together. Stalking your ex on social media or trying to be friends with them will only keep the wound open and prevent healing.
Forgiveness only comes into play once you’ve truly mourned, grieved, and given up the hope that they are coming back. There’s no time limit on grief — it may sneak up on you at any time or place.
Your healing is not on a linear path, so be okay with the fits and starts. It's often two steps forward and one step back. Think of it as dancing with yourself to create a new relationship with the most important person — you!
3. Kill the hope.
Stop fantasizing about a miracle scenario where you wake up from this awful nightmare. Getting over heartbreak requires you to release the hope that your ex will change.
Hope is the first thing that enters a relationship and the last thing to leave. As painful as it may seem, killing the hope that things will be different is one of the most powerful steps you can take.
As long as there's hope, you'll settle for crumbs in your life. You'll see any positive interaction with your ex as a signal that maybe — just maybe — the two of you will get back together.
Holding onto hope will block love from entering your heart from someone else. There's no space for new love when you're still hoping the old one will return.
Your ex is not a unicorn. Believing that they're the only one you will ever love or who will ever love you is a false belief.
Love is limitless and has limitless expressions. The lasting love you desire is available to you, but only if you truly let your ex go.
When you are ready, kill the hope that they will ever be your soulmate. This step opens your heart to create the lasting love you desire with someone new who is better suited for you.
4. Discover the "golden nugget" that will set you free.
Our dear friend and motivational speaker Les Brown says, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."
Everything is happening for you — not to you. Events occur to move you toward your highest and best self. So, this person who has broken your heart showed up for a reason.
You had a relationship with this person in order to grow from the experience, so you can become better to then connect with your future beloved.
When you’re ready to let your ex go for good, write them a letter of gratitude that you will never send.
This letter is for you not for them, so as tempting as it may be to send it — don't! It may take a few passes to get this letter written, and that’s okay. You can start off simply free-form journaling to prime the pump.
The exercise of writing this letter is to bring into crystal clear focus The Golden Nugget Of Learning™.
It had to be this specific person to teach you something about yourself or to highlight where you still have room for improvement.
When you are done writing the letter, put it aside for a couple of days. Then come back to the letter and see if there are any edits you would like to make.
When you feel it's complete, implement this ritual:
- Read the letter out loud.
- Say out loud, "I release this for the highest good of all."
- Then, burn the letter.
You can burn it in your fireplace, outside in a fire pit, or even in your kitchen sink. As it burns, feel yourself freeing yourself from your old relationship. Imagine that you're moving closer to the highest and best version of you for having been through this experience.
Once you’ve released your ex through this Golden Nugget Exercise, take some time to celebrate your independence and freedom. Dedicate some of the time you would’ve spent with your ex to do things for yourself.
Maybe sign up for a class at your local community college, learn a new language, or a new skill.
Do something just for you and splurge on yourself — you deserve it!
Orna and Matthew Walters have been soulmate coaches for over a decade and helped thousands of readers create long-lasting love. Download a complimentary copy of their ebook, Recognizing Mr. Right, along with a guided program on self-acceptance from their website.