How To Avoid The January Breakup Frenzy

A couple of decades ago, before I met my wonderful husband Mark, I was married to someone else. Our marriage wasn't going well, but I thought we were "working on it." Turns out, he wasn't.

We made it through January, but just barely. Shortly after Valentine's Day (I won't get into how that went), he announced his intention to separate. Looking back, it's clear our breakup was postponed to get through the holidays.

Social scientists have long documented that the greatest number of relationship breakups happen in January, post holidays. The reasons have not been fully studied, but it's not hard to figure out why.

By looking at the usual reasons for January breakups, you can strategize how to keep your relationship intact. Instead of being blindsided, you can take charge of your relationship and repair it ... or at least control how it ends.

The biggest reason for January breakups is that they were supposed to happen in October. Three months before it actually happened, someone was unhappy and making a decision to end the relationship. Then, he decided that he couldn't "do that to you" now. It's the holidays!

People are very reluctant to end relationships shortly before significant life events: the holidays, your birthday, Valentine's Day, New Year's, your anniversary, to name a few. Airline flights have been reserved, commitments made to friends and family for time spent togethe, and sometimes gifts purchased. All of that adds up to a mountain of obligations, and the easy path is to put it off.

Another issue is stress. People often break up in January because the stressful holiday season brought out issues that caused them to rethink their commitment. It's supposed to be a time of love, joy and connection. If your mate turns into the Grinch by being miserable most of the time, the disappointment can lead to thoughts of breaking up.

If your mate gets rip-roaring drunk at every holiday party and embarrasses you, you might rethink your commitment. If your visits to family uncover nightmarish family of origin issues, you might decide to keep looking for someone from a more stable background. Continue reading ...

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Expectations are high during the holidays, especially around gift giving. You may be thinking it's time to receive diamonds, and he gives you a CD and a 2013 calendar. Or you may think he's going to propose with the big diamond ring, and instead he gives you a pair of earrings. And how about the person who buys a gift for the ex, causing you to feel less-than? The possibilities are endless for massive disappointment, any of which can lead to the January breakup.

And the last big reason for January breakups is making a fresh start. It's the beginning of a new year, the relationship hasn't been going well, and it's time to make new resolutions. But often the person breaking up blind-sides the other party. Putting it off is just, putting it off. It isn't a better breakup because you wait until January.

You can avoid most of this drama by doing one simple thing: communicate. Air your expectations before Christmas, and you might uncover the truth about your relationship in time to do something about it. You can't over-communicate at this time of year, but you can seriously under communicate. Here's how to make it happen, using these five steps.

1. Plan time now for just the two of you. Make time to go out to a quiet place, have a glass of wine, and talk. Don't put this off. The biggest excuse people give for not making time to talk to their mate is "I'm too busy." But all the parties in the world won't help you get over the consequences of neglecting what should come first — your love and connection.

2. Plan your conversation around these three themes: gift giving, family time, and couple time. For each of these themes, talk about your individual expectations and find out your partner's expectations. Set your intention to listen more than you talk. It's not easy to do, but it's vital if you hope to uncover any hidden issues that need to be dealt with.

Gift giving. This topic is one of the most sensitive, especially if your relationship is fairly new or if you haven't yet reached the stage of solid commitment. It’s also sensitive if you've been together for a couple of years or more and you're wondering when the proposal is coming. Don't set yourself up for massive disappointment by waiting and hoping. Instead, ask questions to uncover where he is with regard to these issues. Questions such as "what are you thinking of for a gift budget?" and "are we talking sweaters and music for gifts or something more?" should get the ball rolling. Continue reading ...

Family time. This conversation is vital so that you don't step on the minefield of family obligations that leave you out of the picture. Talk about your vision for time spent with family, and frame it with making your relationship a priority. Be willing to bend and ask for the same flexibility. Collaborate on how to handle family situations. Stay out of the trap of "my way or the highway."

Couple time. This conversation is the one that tends to uncover any fault lines in your love. Put it right out front that you want lots of time together and that you understand you need to weave that around other obligations on both your parts. Declare your love and devotion. Then, bite your lip and listen carefully for your partner's response.

3. Deal with what comes up. If you get a lackluster response without much emotion behind it, you know you need to talk. If all you hear is crickets, you know you have a huge problem. Start by pointing out the obvious: "You dont seem very excited about the holidays or making plans with me. What is going on?” From there, continue asking questions until the answers provide clarity.

Emotional safety empowers people to open up, so ask questions gently, and be prepared. Decide up front to be okay with the answer, whatever it is. The biggest reason people don’t talk about problems along the way is fear of the other person blowing up in reaction. But by not talking about the issues, people make life-changing decisions in a vacuum.

4. Keep the conversation open. Address the issues. Encouraging open, honest dialog about your issues opens the door for resolving them. Nothing ever got solved in a relationship with silence, withholding, and stonewalling. Sometimes the very act of being able to air grievances and have the other person really listen is enough. Sometimes you need to collaborate on better ways to handle the issues.

5. Deal with the dealbreakers. The other scenario is that you uncover a major incompatibility, or, the biggest deal-breaker of all: I'm not that into you. If you do, you have the opportunity to begin unwinding your relationship with dignity and respect. Instead of being blind-sided in January, you can create the controlled breakup scenario wherein you agree that the issue can't be resolved. You move on with grief, but minus the anger and recriminations. After all, you saw it coming and you dealt with it.

January doesn't have to be the biggest breakup month, not if you make a commitment now to open, honest communication. By opening up conversations about the three hot holiday topics — gift giving, family time, and couple time — you can get to the bottom of any issues. Keeping the conversation open until you resolve the issues, or deal with any deal-breakers, prevents blindsiding. By following these steps, you strengthen your love and connection.

About the author: Nina Atwood, M.Ed., LPC, is a nationally known psychotherapist, author of five self-help books, and frequent expert media guest. Read the transformational book that will change your life and your relationships with men: Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid. To successfully date online, get Nina's $0.99 eBook Internet Dating for the Savvy Single. Learn how to communicate effectively with your mate with Soul Talk: Powerful, Positive Communication for a Loving Partnership. Get loads of free advice and Love Strategies at www.singlescoach.com.