Is It Ever Safe To Complain In A Relationship?

Perhaps you have experienced this scenario with your significant other:

"What do you think of dinner, honey?" you ask happily, mentally patting yourself on the back for preparing a gourmet dinner that turned out just like the recipe you saw on Pinterest.

He (on the other hand) doesn't seem all that impressed. "It's okay," he mumbles. "The sauce on the meat tastes a little something. What did you do to the steak? I'm not a big fan of vegetables without cheese to cover them up. I need the steak sauce ... can you scrap this stuff off the meat? Why do we have these little things on the napkins?"

You're crushed for not receiving validation for the time and effort it took to put together a romantic dinner, sensing a serious pouting attack surfacing. "Can't you just try it?" you whine immediately. "I spent two hours fixing this feast just for you."

He sniffs at the meal with a twisted expression on his face. "Hey, isn't there some of that meatloaf from last night left over?" he says. "I'll eat that instead."

You throw your hands up in the air, moaning exasperatedly, "I can never do anything right!" (You think to yourself that the silent treatment and slamming of cabinets and doors should show him how hurt and angry you are.)

Meanwhile, he's left at the dinner table — clueless. "Are you mad or something?"

Granted, your guy may not be this unobservant, however, if you've been in a committed relationship for any given amount of time, you know similar situations arise. It is important to remember that expressing feelings about something that makes your unhappy is not a reflection of your value in the relationship nor is it a barometer for his love for you. The best couples cultivate an atmosphere of sharing both positive and negative feelings, which many times is easier said than done. Keep reading...

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One key factor to consider when you or your loved one raises a complaint is its purpose. In an article from The Huffington Post, exploring what you hope will happen by voicing your preferences is cause for reflection.

In this scenario, your significant other could have been more observant and in tune with the expression of love he was shown through the preparation of a special meal. Showing his love would have been being a good sport and eating the meal without killing the gesture of affection. Hidden within the complaint may have been an internal message: I do not want the relationship to change and grow more intimately.

On the other hand, you set yourself up for disappointment by a backdoor attempt to gain intimacy before voicing your emotional needs within the relationship. He believes status quo is working just fine and you want to build a stronger connection. Without nurturing a committed relationship, a safe place to complain cannot be established and the cycle of defensiveness continues.

So how do you — as a couple — break out of this cycle? Here are a few communication tips:

Develop mutual trust. This seems like a given: a couple assumes a foundation of truth and honesty from each other, but the norm in many relationships is avoiding topics that set each other off. Tiptoeing around emotional land mines only pushes unresolved issues internally. These issues have not disappeared simply because of the silent agreement of not talking about them. The best way to develop mutual trust is to discuss small but uncomfortable topics, reach a conclusion and use those experiences as a foundation to build your relationship. Keep reading...

Create a safe environment. An atmosphere of safety to speak your preferences without suffering repercussions is another key element. Sometimes it is the little nuances we all have that grate on each other’s nerves that one would like to share. These should not be personal attacks and not received as he-doesn’t-love-me-anymore thoughts. Each person should have a right to complain with dignity without suffering a penalty for that honesty. When one takes everything personally, the only behavior that flourishes is dishonesty. 

Learn how to express love. You know your significant other loves you when he gives up his football afternoon to go shopping with you. You love that quality time. He feels your love when you give him a back rub without him begging for one. He loves your touch. The tendency is to give love in the manner we want to receive it. This selfless love is key to developing a safe complaining zone.

Turning complaining into expressing preferences and reaching doable solutions can be achieved in marriage and committed relationships. The result? Closer emotional intimacy, openness in communication and sensitivity to each other's feelings which will lead to an overall higher satisfaction and fulfillment in love.

Nancy Pina is a highly recognized author, relationship coach and speaker. She is dedicated to helping individuals attract emotionally healthy relationships through her practical, Christian-based advice. Visit here for articles, exercises, coaching options and recent books.