The Toxic Reason You're Attracted To All The Wrong People
A toxic partner isn't going to know how to love you the way you deserve.
akuzone, JackF | Canva Sometimes we find ourselves in a cycle of attraction to unhealthy relationships and abusive partners. Other times, we're faced with the heartbreak of unrequited love. Why do you always find yourself falling for the wrong people? If you find that you've been chasing the wrong people to be in relationships with, then you're probably wondering how you can stop yourself from making the wrong choices. You want to know how to find love — real love — in your life.
The reason you are dating and chasing the wrong partner has something to do with you. Somehow, the more they reject you, the more you want them and cannot get enough. Why do you hold onto something that hurts so much? You know the person is wrong for you, but something draws you in and hooks you into the relationship. What draws you in? Perhaps you find that you cannot resist a person who momentarily makes you feel wanted or special — even if the person does not want to commit.
Do you ignore the warning signs that something is not right with the person, just to feel good and wanted? Maybe you're subconsciously attracting the wrong partner to fulfill an unmet need or longing. Perhaps you've been choosing the unobtainable person to get back something you needed from those who rejected you in your past. You can be attracted to what feels familiar to you, even if it creates the same pain over and over again. Do you chase the wrong partner to make up for your unmet needs?
Are you searching for the wrong kind of partners in your life, as a way of staying attached to an abusive or rejecting parent? Are you attracting toxic partners to get the love you didn't receive? Looking for love by attaching to those who will hurt you, will not meet your needs or fix your past, but repeat your past wounds through mistreatment and abandonment. Often, individuals seek unavailable partners because they resemble the parents that they want to love, so they get drawn to them like a magnet and want love. In the desire to be loved, the child shuts out the feelings of abandonment towards the caregiver, causing them to feel worthless and unwanted deep down. This can lead to attracting similar partners to get the love that they always wanted.
You can hope to find the same kind of partner to mend the wounds and make up for unmet love. The more one protects themselves from facing the abuse or abandonment, the more they can deny abuse in later relationships, by upholding a positive image of the partner. Many individuals often escape unwanted feelings in an attempt to feel better, by seeking comfort in familiarity, when they make the wrong partner choice in relationships. When people don't feel good about themselves, they often look for love to escape their abandonment feelings, in the hope of feeling good enough or wanted in relationships. Often, they repeat the same attachment patterns in an attempt to seek the love they always wanted but it ends up going nowhere.
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Sometimes, you can be unaware of holding on to a caregiver who hurt you, by attracting partners who hurt you in the same way. You can stay attached to the parent by denying the abuse and repeating the pattern of putting up with abusive treatment in the hope of feeling loved. The child preserves the fantasy of the good parent to feel loved and escape the feeling of abandonment or abuse. Likewise, they can uphold the same romantic fantasy in adult relationships, by ignoring signs of abuse or holding onto unrequited love. Holding on to the parent who wounded you can cause you to be attracted to abusive or unavailable partners, in the hope that you can get the love you didn't receive in the past.
By seeking out similar partners, you attempt to remain attached to the parent. You can also seek partners who remind you of your parents in an attempt to heal your past. Unknowingly you can see your partner in the same light as your parent, even if they're dissimilar. This is an attempt to get back what you need from the parent while projecting these unmet needs onto your partner so that they can give them to you. By idealizing the abusive partner, one can deny the abuse, but repeat the pattern of feeling abused in the hope to feel loved. This pattern can cause one to overlook the bad aspects of the partner by only seeing the good aspects in them, holding onto the wrong guy or woman. The pattern of searching for unmet love can be self-destructive towards an individual and leads their needs to remain unmet, which can lead to disappointment because no one can make up for your past.
The only real way to heal is to let go of the hope of getting back your unmet needs. So, now that you know why you are attracted to the wrong person, how do you stop attracting them? You may deny any abuse or mistreatment because you want to see the positive aspects of that person, to get the love that you hope for.
It can cause you to stay in unhealthy relationships, including those with a narcissistic personality disorder, and not protect yourself, just so that you can feel loved. You ignore the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship and turn a blind eye when something doesn't seem right with the person because you want to feel good or wanted.
You deny the bad aspects of someone and maintain the negative feelings deep inside, thinking you're to blame while seeing others as good. But, it leaves you not seeing your relationships clearly and feeling worse about yourself. I've seen many individuals hold on to the parent who mistreated them by seeking abusive or unavailable partners. One can deny the abuse by maintaining a positive image of them by repeating the pattern of feeling abused, in the hopes of feeling loved in a relationship that's toxic. To learn how to have a healthy toxic relationship is to let go of the past internal parent, mourn the loss of unmet love, and move on.
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Holding on to the hopeful fantasy of a partner fulfilling your unmet needs will keep you trapped in your past, and work against a healthy sense of self and having a healthy relationship. Finding love — real love — can happen when you let go of desperately needing love from others, so you can learn to love yourself. You might find something healthier in a partner when you treat yourself with love. When you love yourself, you won't chase the wrong person but find someone who treats you right.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Nancy Carbone is an author, relationship therapist, and psychodynamic therapist. She specializes in the treatment of personality disorders and relational trauma and is accredited as a mental health social worker.