Yes, You Deserve Love — Here's How To Convince Yourself Of That
It's time to change your mindset.
getty Are you stuck in pattern of feeling bad about yourself and your relationship? Do you feel needy, depressed and angry more than you feel loved by your man and happy with your life? Do you want to learn how to be confident with men you date but can't step out of your nerves and self-doubts?
If you feel like you can’t shake those dark, bluesy feelings, I know exactly how you feel. My entire 20s was this constant inner struggle, where I worried all the time about not getting all the things I wanted like an amazing relationship.
I spent years feeling hopeless and defeated, thinking that no matter what I tried to do to be “amazing,” I was just never going to be amazing enough and I was never going to be loved enough because of it. I beat myself up inside and the self-loathing was ridiculous.
I slowly started to realize that my self-beliefs were far from true and that I had to stop being so hard on myself if I wanted to be happier and feel good about a good relationship. But realizing these things was only the first step in shifting my perspective.
It was my relationships with men that allowed me to better see myself and make this shift happen. I realized that I could use my connection to my boyfriend to heal those dark feelings.
Most of us want to be something other than what we are. We lie and say that we wouldn’t swap lives with anyone and really do love ourselves, yet we believe that we don’t have the things we want because we aren’t amazing enough in this or that way to have those things.
How often do you think...
“I’m not pretty enough for the guy I want.”
“I’m not smart enough for the job I want.”
“I’m not ambitious enough to make lots of money.”
And the list goes on, am I right? We even settle for things we don’t want (friends with benefits, Mr. Unavailable) thinking that we aren’t amazing enough to fight for what we do want (a real, happy relationship). Not to mention, some of us feel really guilty about feeling good! We met a great guy or smooth out the wrinkles in our relationships and suddenly, we are feeling strange inside — anxious and wondering whether it's even okay that we feel good.
The biggest part of the problem is that we look outside of ourselves to feel amazing. We think that having a certain guy will make us feel amazing, or a certain body. And for the most part, we can't be blamed.
New love and weight loss do feel amazing, along with a whole bunch of other things. However, the problem is that we let ourselves feel not amazing — I’m talking horrible, awful, worthless — when we don’t get these things.
We beat ourselves up. We get angry for not having enough self-discipline to diet or a personality that's sexy and confident enough to get that guy. So there we are, wanting these great things so badly because we think we need them to feel amazing, and then when we aren't able to get them or keep them, we feel even worse.
But what if you could “live amazing” and not have to seek out happiness as much as just “be happiness”? What if you could "be love" with men instead of just wanting their love?
What if you could look at a guy and feel like he’d be a fool not to want you? What if you could look at a fashion magazine, admire the skinny bodies, close it and still be in love with your body, feeling that warm, yummy love surging through you?
Try this right now: say, aloud, “I’m a warm, glowing, twinkly ball of light and everything I touch, is positively impacted by my glorious aliveness!”
What happened when you said that? Did you feel better for a moment — lighter, calmer and freer? Did you immediately go back to feeling dark and heavy and judging the statement and doubting that you could ever feel warm and twinkly and glorious on your own, without a man "making" you feel that way?
We imprison ourselves everyday, every second, every time we have a judging thought. Most of us live forever in this prison, unable to be free to feel light, joyous, confident and radiant in our uniqueness.
If you live in this prison, you are allowing it to ruin your relationships with men. You are allowing it to keep you seeking out men who let you live in this prison (controlling, belittling, or emotionally uncaring men), and you’re allowing it to ruin your chances at sustaining a good relationship.
When you live in a prison of your own making, you emotionally wall yourself off to a man and you push him away with your insecurities. You get hard and brittle when trying to communicate and be intimate.
You only hear and believe the bad about what he’s telling you and sending you through his behavior. You put yourself in situations over and over again where you become needy and can't be confident with men.
I want you to stop letting the prison ruin your life and start thinking of yourself as the glorious, twinkly, effervescent, glowing, warm and powerful ball of energy that you actually are. By telling yourself this, you aren’t lying! You really are a ball of energy. We all are composed of energy.
I want you to tell yourself that your energy has the power to change men, to literally change the energy of a man and make him attracted to you, happier because of you, experiencing emotions he hasn’t in years just by knowing you. I want you to tell yourself this because it’s all true. This is the way energy works, this is the way humans affect one another — everything has an molecular effect on everything else.
As soon as you start looking outside of your own energy source for power for that “amazingness,” the harder it becomes to get that thing you want, that thing you think will fuel you. To learn how to be confident with men, you have to know that the love you want — your guy’s love and attention — is already inside you.
The love you desire is the same love you already have in that energy ball. It just feels like you don’t have it, so you want it. However, what you really want is a chance to let your own energy shine, be seen, felt, experienced, loved and admired. You want a man to let you out of the prison, but YOU can let yourself out of the prison right now.
Allow your energy to shine. Repeat over and over that you are a glorious ball of fizzy, bubbly energy. When you allow your light to shine, a man will see it, feel it, love it and will then love you.
Kristina Marchant is a relationship and dating coach who helps women gain confidence and learn to connect with men on a soulful, honest, safe and sexy level. Sign up for her Goddess Advice Newsletter.